The Last Airbender

Go down

The Last Airbender

Post by SHSL Gang Leader on Sat Jul 03, 2010 6:52 am

I went to see this movie with some friends recently, and it turned out to be one of the best movies I've ever seen.

I'm gonna try to summarize the plot for you all, but I recommend watching it first if you haven't already.
Masu made some helpful comments, too, and I've included some of them (Note: Misspelled words are left unchanged to ensure maximum authenticity).

All right.

I'mma do this.

Here goes.

The movie opens with a demonstration of elements being bent by...benders. Yes, I was thinking of a robot whenever they said that.
To bend the elements, you have to do a wacky dance with overly exaggerated arm movements. Of course.

Then a bunch of words fill the screen, as a bored-sounding girl explains how the elements avatar spirits UP3 something something. Shut up, girl! I know how to read already!
Here's a summary:
Masu wrote:"Some shit with the nations and the avatar did peac and ballance"
We're in the Arctic, and a big ball of water floats out of a river. Ooh that's not very impressive.
Suddenly the ball of water falls on a guy, but he's offscreen because showing the CG water hitting him would be too hard.
I forget the guy's name, so I'll call him "the guy". (Masu says his name is Soka. Okay sure)

The guy complains at his sister, who was practicing...making balls of water fly around. That seems useful.
I forget the sister's name, so I'll be calling her "the girl". (Actual name: Katara)

The two of them (who are wearing parkas and kind of look like the Ice Climbers) are searching for food with spears and things.
The guy says that he's almost found food or something! Then he runs into a clearing and there aren't any food animals there.
I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT he complains. Uh, what exactly were you doing?

They walk onto a big sheet of ice because...?
Noticing something moving below the ice, the guy hits it repeatedly with his stick, which looks like a Nike swoosh.
The ice starts cracking and both of them seem surprised.
Masu wrote:"HEY THERES SOMETHING UNDER THE ICE THATS UNDER US. LETS HIT IT WITH A SITCK!"
"WAIT WHAT WHY IS THE ICE BREAKING!?"
A giant icy sphere bursts out of the ice. It looks like there's a creepy person inside of it.
The guy wrote:Don't you hit that sphere!
But the girl's taken his swoosh and she hits the sphere with it, because...?

The sphere shoots a bunch of air out of it, which knocks her away. Then it explodes or something.
Inside, there's a big furry thing and an unconscious kid.
Masu wrote:"Theres a dead asian boy in it. Lets take him home"
So they do.

They're back at the village and the kid's suddenly awake. The girl walks in on him while he's shirtless in the first of many shirtless scenes.
He's got a bunch of weird tattoos because they're magic or something.
The kid's name is Aang, which I can remember because it's retarded (sorry, but I calls 'em like I sees 'em).
Aang explains that he ran away from home, which doesn't actually explain anything.

Suddenly, a bunch of soldiers wearing black armor show up in the village. I bet they're good guys!
They have a request for the villagers:
Masu wrote:"GIVE US ALL OF YOUR OLD PEOPL!"
Yes, they're kidnapping old people.
The girl wrote:Grandma!
In fact, they're kidnapping Grandma.
They may as well be holding signs that say "WE ARE THE VILLAINS IN THIS MOVIE".

It's the Fire Nation.
The soldiers are searching everyone's houses for the elderly when one of them reports to his superior (the prince, allegedly Prince Zuko, in my signature on the right) that they've found a kid with weird tattoos. COULD HE BE...THE ONE!?!?!?!?!?!?!??

The prince has the kid dragged out to him right away, so they can have a friendly and not at all gay discussion.
Masu wrote:"You will CUM on my ship. *holds aang's hand*"
"Okay i'll cum. But leave the innocents alone."
"Okay. Thats fine. Oh yeah, I AM PRINCE ZUKO AND IM ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Then a random soldier goes RRRRRRAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHH and throws fire at nothing and the villagers are scared. Mission accomplished, I guess.

The girl and the guy have an argument about what to do.
We learn that their mother was captured and killed in a similar way, which they found out about because...?

The girl claims that they have to rescue Aang, because he's their responsibility.
Responsibility is the theme of the movie because they use that word a bunch of times, regardless of whether or not it makes sense.
For example, why is Aang their responsibility when they just found him lying around someplace?
I found a spider one time, but that doesn't mean I was supposed to build a little shack for it to live in.

But the girl doesn't understand that, so she suggests that the two of them should go destroy a boat full of elite fire nation soldiers to get Aang back.
That might sound impossible, but remember, she can make balls of water hover in the air!

The guy disagrees. Oh come on, getting killed is fun!
Girl wrote:What if it was me!?
Guy wrote:I'd kill them all.
That swoosh must be deadlier than it looks. (Spoiler: It isn't.)

The girl asks why he'd kill them all.
Guy wrote:Because you're my sister!
Wait for it
Guy wrote:Because I promised our father that I'd protect you with my life!
"Cause if I hadn't promised him, I wouldn't give two shits."
Girl wrote:Because I'm your responsibility.
This ironclad logic finally gets through to the guy, and he agrees to go on the crazy suicide mission.

But first, they go tell Grandma that they're going to go get killed.
Yeah, she's still here. I guess seeing the kid made the prince forget about his important mission of kidnapping old people.

Grandma has some important things to say.
Masu wrote:"THAT BOY IS THE AVATAR AND KATARA YOU ARE THE LEGENDARY LAST WATER BENDER FOR THE NEXT HOUR. THEN THERES GONNA BE A SHIT TON OF THEM"
She explains that the Fire Nation is evil because they don't want to follow the spirits' way of living.
JESUS CHRIST THAT'S FUCKING HORRIBLE I'VE NEVER HEARD OF ANYTHING MORE EVIL THAN THAT
Also:
Grandma wrote:All wars are won through the heart.
KINGDOM HEARTS IS WATER

Meanwhile, Aang's sitting at a table in a room on a big black spiky obviously evil Official Fire Nation Boat(TM).
The prince is there along with his manlover servant...person?
I got no idea. Either way, he's the guy on the left in that signature.

The old guy's there to perform a "test" on Aang.
But don't worry, he says! It won't hurt, and it'll only take a few moments!

Meanwhile, back at the village WAIT A MINUTE WHAT ABOUT THAT CREEPY AND SLIGHTLY PEDOPHILIA-SOUNDING TEST
...Grandma's given them the world map, but the guy and girl don't know how to go about finding Aang.
Until the big furry thing shows up and hovers around. A kid is dangling from its leg, and the camera focuses on him. HA HA THIS IS QUITE FUNNY
"I GOT AN IDEA" the siblings think. "LETS GET ON THAT THING AND IT'LL TAKE US RIGHT TO AANG AUTOMATICALLY"

Meanwhile, back on the boat, the old guy puts a candle in front of Aang. This is the test.
Yeah, that was just a bunch of suspense for no real reason, like the first chapter of a Goosebumps book.
The candle's flame seems to be drawn towards Aang. At this point, everyone already knows how the rest of the test is going to go.

Old guy puts the candle out by waving his hand in front of it dramatically, then dramatically pours some water on the table.
Instead of being drawn towards him, the water forms a circle. Quick, check the book to see what a circle means! Hopefully not "HIV-positive".

Then, in the most dramatic sequence of all, the old guy puts a rock on the table.
I was hoping it would explode, but instead it has a seizure and stands on its end while epic music plays. Uh you know that's just a rock, right

Wind's not important, so Aang's passed the test! That means he's the super chosen one of destiny legend. I sure didn't see that coming!
For some reason this revelation makes the prince ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Prince wrote:YOU ARE MY PRISONER
He angrily slams his fist on the table in anger.
Prince wrote:IF YOU EVEN THINK OF ESCAPING
Aang instantly jumps out the door.
Nice going, prince! He wouldn't have thought of escaping if you hadn't mentioned it!
But can he escape the heavily guarded Official Fire Nation Boat(TM)!?
Masu wrote:*flips around and runs outside after throwing air at three generic guys*
"STOP! THERES NO WHERE YOU CAN RUN!!!!"
*flies away*
"FUCK!"
Yes.
His stick turns into a flying stick.
I guess they never took away his weapons because...?

The prince is very ANGRY sad about Aang's escape.
Masu wrote:"I HAD REGAINED MY HONOR FOR FIVE SECONDS."
Luckily for Aang, the furry flying thing shows up with the guy and girl at the same time he escapes the boat! WHAT A COINCIDENCE!
Masu wrote:"Hey katara and soka! Thanks for bringing my hideous CG flying fur thing! I guess you've flew these EXTINCT things before! LETS GO ADVENTURE!
YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY"
Aang offers to fly the Wonder Siblings back to their village, but they insist on going with him, because responsibullshit.

Meanwhile, the prince's Official Fire Nation Boat(TM) is cut off by a bigger Official Fire Nation Boat(TM), which is commanded by some fire general or something.
General wrote:Well, well...the banished prince.
Let's offer him lunch!
Everyone agrees that the general is the best character, and if you don't, then you won't be getting any lunch.

The point of the lunch, is, of course, to call the prince a huge bitch in front of hundreds of people.
Masu wrote:"THIS IS PRINCE ZUKO. HES THE BITCH OF THE FIRE NATION. HE SUCKED SO HARD THAT HIS DAD BURNED HIM IN THE FACE CUZ HE WAS SO ASHAMED"
The roast (lol) continues for a while until the prince decides that HE'S HAD ENOUGH to eat.
SO HE ANGRILY STOMPS OVER AND WHISPERS ANGRILY INTO THE GENERAL'S EAR!
Masu wrote:I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL GET THE AVATAR, AND AFTER I GET MY HONOR IMMA MAKE YOU SUCK MY DICK AND LOVE IT.
AND THEN HE ANGRILY STOMPS AWAY while the old guy (who follows the prince around everywhere) kinda looks back at the general and thinks "sorry about that" at him before following.
He must be the damage control for when the prince gets too ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!.

So the prince walks out to the deck of his ship and beats up all the soldiers on it in a massive fight scene.
WAIT WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING

Meanwhile, the Flying Faggots arrive at Aang's Pad, which is some sort of wind temple.
But instead of Molgera, Aang is greeted by a CG Lemurbat (that's what it was called...right?).
Wait...HIS HANDS ARE NOWHERE NEAR IT!!
THIS IS THE WORST CG I'VE EVER SEEN OH GOD SOMEONE HELP

Aang figures all his fellow monks are hiding from him, and shouts HEY GUYS COME ON IT'S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE COME ON GUYS for a while.
Then he finds a big pile of skulls and ribs and things. I bet this is part of some elaborate prank!

Or not. Because the girl's suddenly become a historian (also changed clothes midflight apparently).
Masu wrote:"EVERYTHING IS DEAD. THE FIRE NATION FUCKED THESE GUYS LIKE A HUNDRED YEARS AGO"
She didn't feel like telling Aang about that, though. It would have ruined the surprise!

Aang walks into the boneheap and steps on a bone, which breaks. The camera zooms in on it like FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK A BONE

He finds a necklace on one of the skeletons, even though none of the others have any jewelry or clothes or anything, and the necklace is still undamaged after a hundred years.
Now he gets really sad because that's the necklace he made (?) for his master (who was "KINDA LIKE MY FATHER" as he explained earlier).

So he falls in a hole or something and has a flashback.
Turns out his master was Coach. WHO THE HELL PUT A WIND TEMPLE UP THIRTY FLIGHTS OF GODDAMN STAIRS

So Aang glows a lot and starts hovering, because that's just what people do when they're depressed.
He goes into some sort of drug-induced coma, which makes him think he's in a glowing forest with echo-y voices.
He wanders into a drug-induced cave and talks to a drug-induced dragon inside it.
Masu wrote:YOUR DESTINY IS WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU FOR 100 YEARS YOU FAILURE!?
And then he hears the girl's voice shouting "WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER!"
...He's known her for about one day now. It probably just FEELS LIKE IVE KNOWN YOU MY WHOLE LIFE or something.

He comes out of the coma and decides to be the Avatar or something.
Turns out he ran away from home because he's not allowed to have a family if he's the Avatar. You wouldn't think a little kid would want to have sex that badly, but we live in a progressive culture, or something.
And so he somehow froze himself for a hundred years. Sounds reasonable enough.

But now he's changed his mind and wants to be the Avatar because...
Because...
I forget why. It was responsi-something, I think.

The Avatar is the only bender who can control all four elements, because...?
This makes him the chosen one, destined to bring peace to the land, because...??
So he's heading off to learn how to water. It's important that he learn the elements in the right order, because...???

So now that everything's been cleared up, the party's off to the Water Kingdom! ...Again?
Did they START in the Water Kingdom? Where...
Never mind. I probably just forgot what all the places were called.
Even though whenever anyone reaches some new place, its name shows up on the screen in very big letters.

Meanwhile, it's time once again for the Fire Kingdom Power Hour(TM), and this time we see inside the kingdom itself.
We know we're looking at the Fire Kingdom because the words "FIRE KINGDOM" appear on the screen. Otherwise I'd have guessed it was the Sand All Over The Place Kingdom.

The King of...Fire (?) is talking to the general. Something about how if his son finds the Avatar, he'd be super-promoted and be able to command anyone to suck his dick and love it, including the general.
General wrote:I guess it's a race, then.
This is the only important line of dialogue in the entire scene.
Also good job King Retard for encouraging in-fighting. This conversation almost gets his own son killed, but that'll happen later during a stupider part of the movie.

Meanwhile, the Good Guys' Group is walking through some forest somewhere. They're not flying on their flying beastie because...?

Suddenly, a random girl runs up and tries to hide behind them. They ignore her.
They can't ignore the Fire Faggots that are chasing her, though.
Their leader shouts that "He threw rocks at me. It hurt!"
Masu wrote:HE!? WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUCK
Our brave heroes decide that it doesn't matter WHAT the ambiguously gendered kid did, because they'll defend him to the death!
...Maybe they never even noticed the kid, and think the leader's talking about Aang or something.

SO ANYWAY the girl prepares a powerful ice attack! Which somehow hits the guy, who's standing next to her.
So they all get arrested and they have to wear handcuffs and Obi-Wan Kenobi robes.
They get loaded onto a wagon and taken to some earth village or something.
Once their hoods and cuffs disappear, they're free to walk around.

The kid's dad tells them that the Fire Nation's trying to stop anyone else from bending stuff, because...they're evil!...?
Aang looks around and sees Fire Kingdom troops standing around and not doing anything evil.
Then he sees a bunch of Earth villagers going about their business.
So he gets ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!! mad.

According to eyewitness reports from Masu and an article on io9, his speech went something like this:
Aang wrote:You're all powerful! You're earthbenders! The ground below your feet is an extension of WHO YOU ARE! THERE IS DIRT UNDER YOUR FEET! THERE'S DIRT ALL AROUND YOU! WHY DON'T YOU FIGHT?
Speaks for itself.

...But nothing happens.
Until the kid throws a rock at another Fire soldier. The soldier's pissed and starts heading over to kick the kid's ass, but the guy's urge to defend the random kid he just met is so strong, he yells like a crazy person and body slams him out of the way.

From there, it devolves into a fight scene. The guy yells "Everyone can start helping us now!" because he's genre savvy.
Masu wrote:Katara:RRRRRRRRRRGH
*katara used tackle*
Fire Nation Solder:I HAVE A SPEAR AND CAN SHOOT FIRE OUT OF MY FUCKING FISTS
*FIRE NATION SOLDER USED TACKLE*
Aang:*throws wind at him and it looks violent and epic but its just WIND.*
Earth benders:LETS KICK THEIR ASSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*seven guys breakdance then throw ONE rock.*
Soka:*throws a boomerang* I think this is the most action i get in the movie not including the white haired bitch!"
Aang: *RUNS DOWN A RANDOM STREET, EVEN THOUGH HE WAS JUST BEATING PEOPLE UP, ALSO HEROIC MUSIC IS PLAYING
Epic.

Once the fight's over or something, the village is saved or something, and the village elder or something tells Aang in a very hard to understand accent that he can have any of the scrolls they have in their Scroll Shack. Or something.

Aang's Lemurbat or whatever it is reappears randomly to knock a scroll onto the floor; this means it's the sacred mystic scroll of magical fate spirits, and they have to take it.
It's a rare water scroll, and the girl uses it to learn how to water more effectively sometime later I guess.

Meanwhile, the prince and the old guy (OH YEAH THAT'S HIS UNCLE. GOT IT) are resting in what appears to be the Restaurant Kingdom.
The prince is determined to capture the Avatar, but his uncle has a better idea.
Masu wrote:Uncle: Zuko you can fuck a bitch and be happy here.
Zuko: NO I NEED THE AVATAR'S ASS
Uncle: Good god........
Also, the prince does some theatrical thing where he yells at some kid.
HEY KID GET OVER HERE he says.
He asks the kid what he knows about the prince of the Fire Kingdom. (Hey, wait a minute! That's him!)
Kid wrote:His dad said his little sister was stronger than he was, then set him on fire.
And no one ate dinner that night.

Meanwhile, it's the return of Shirtless Aang, who's doing water training with the girl.
He does some tricks with a lake that go on for way too long. And the dances get wackier every time.
Unfortunately, he's too busy thinking about the boneheap to do any REALLY big boring water tricks.
The girl asks him whether something's wrong, and he says he's getting too distracted. By, uh, the boneheap. Yeah.

Turns out the group's really close to another wind temple. Aang asks if he can go look at it because of magic spirits or something.
Masu wrote:Aang: LEMME FLY AWAY TO THE ABANDONED PLACE FOR A DAY!
Soka: NO
Katara: OKA-
Soka: NO
But Aang's the AVATAR and he doesn't take shit from anyone.
He manages to sneak away from the group without anyone noticing.
Masu wrote:*JUMPS ON THE GIANT LOUD FLYING BISON THING 5 FEET AWAY FROM SOKA AND KATARA*
Soka:..........................................
Katara: YAYYYYYYYYYYYY
Then there's probably more stuff on a Fire Kingdom boat somewhere. That's how it usually goes.
But by now, I've completely forgotten what it was, if anything.

So anyway, Aang arrives at the other wind temple and sees a monk there. HEY I THOUGHT ALL THE WIND MONKS DIED THAT'S WHY HE'S THE LAST AIRBENDER wait never mind he's an earth dude.
Masu wrote:Random Old Guy: HOLY SHIT! ITS U!? I MASTURBATED TO YOUR LEGENDARY STORIES FOR LIKE 30 YEARS. I SO HONOREd
Aang: COOL
Old Guy: THESE ARE ALL THE PAST AVATARS. THEY WERE NICE AND FORGIVING. ARE YOU NICE AND FORGIVING?
Aang: ..........yeah? I guess?
Old Guy: *holds knife to aang's head* GOOD CUZ THIS IS A FIRE NATION TRAP. YOU FREEZING YOURSELF FOR 100 YEARS SOMEHOW RUINED MY LIFE AND I WAS POOR
Random fire nation guy: *throws a sack of money at the old guy*
Old Guy: YUS *runs out*
Random Old Guy is the second-best character.
He gets a bag of money. The end.

So Aang's taken to a fort somewhere and gets chained up by his arms and legs. That might seem excessive, but it isn't, because otherwise he'd just jump out the door again.
The general shows up to interrogate him.
General wrote:YOU'VE ONLY BEEN SEEN BENDING WIND AND WATER AND NONE OF THE OTHER ELEMENTS
WHY IS THAT HMMMMMMMMMM????
And he looks Aang straight in the face with a giant bulging eyeball.

Meanwhile, Yoshimitsu is holding onto the underside of a tank that's driving into the fort.
WAIT HOLD ON WHAT IS THIS

Some Fire guards get killed (?) in the standard "WHAT WAS THAT NOISE" sequence.
For some reason, Yoshimitsu chose to hang some of the guards from the ceiling. I guess because that's...hardcore, or something.

He bursts into the room Aang's being held captive in and cuts him loose. Aang's all "sure whatever" and the two of them run away.

The general runs down a hall, sees the dead (?) guards hanging from the ceiling, and turns so that the camera can get a better view of his face as he says
FOOLS...
In a much too dramatic voice.

I guess he was calling Aang and Yoshimitsu fools because they "escaped" into the main courtyard, which is filled with soldiers. Amazing plan, Yoshi.
(Note: Since Yoshimitsu is a "dual wielding noble", Masu refers to him as "Lyle", therefore I will be calling him Lyle for the rest of the summary.)

They get into a huge fight.
Aang runs into a circle surrounded by these stone flap-thingies, and he uses them to avoid fighting more than one soldier at a time. It's like whack-a-mole.

Finally he remembers that his stick (I guess he retrieved it from somewhere...?) is also a flying stick, so he jumps across some platforms of death (WHY ARE THERE PLATFORMS OF DEATH) and flies away.

But he doesn't want to leave Lyle behind, so he flies back!
Aang's rescue plan, which is almost as good as Lyle's, is as follows:
Step 1. Beat up everybody.
Step 2. ?????
Step 3. Profit!

Unfortunately there are way, wayy too many soldiers for them to beat up.
They finally escape when Lyle threatens to kill Aang, which the General doesn't want because "he'd just reincarnate somewhere else!"
So he lets them go, and Lyle's still holding his sword to Aang's head the whole time they're slowly walking backwards across an extremely long bridge.

Then, once they're off the bridge, the general fires on them anyway, somehow hitting Lyle in the head from a hundred miles away and knocking him out.
Aang makes a bunch of fog show up with wind to prevent anyone from following them. The soldiers are too scared to go in the fog because there are probably Shadows in it.

Suddenly, they're in a random forest, and it's light out, even though it was nighttime a couple of minutes ago.
Turns out Lyle was actually the prince. He was just trying to steal Aang's ass the honor of capturing the Avatar.
So Aang
Masu wrote:looks at Zuko LOVINGLY as if hes his girlfriend who he just impregnated
and then jumps up a tree, which means he's leaving.

Meanwhile, the prince is suddenly back with his uncle at a dock somewhere. Wow, that was a quick recovery.
Uncle: WHERE WERE YOU FOR FOUR DAYS
Zuko: somewhere.
Uncle: O okay cool.
Zuko: Im go sleep. ON A BOAT OF COURSE
Uncle: *has a whore massaging him* Cool yeah watever
So the prince goes to lie down in his bunk on his Official Fire Nation Boat(TM).
But he hears a weird hissing noise and looks up to see gas leaking out of a pipe directly above a torch.
I figured Aang was nearby, because wind and fire and stuff flow towards him. Remember that part?
But then the boat exploded. It probably wasn't Aang, then.
Also the prince jumped out of the room just in time and stuff. Yeah, that part's kinda important to mention.

Meanwhile, Aang and his crew and the flying thing have arrived at the hidden Water Kingdom (how the heck did they find it?), where they're greeted by a bunch of dancing tards in canoes.
They meet the Water King and his daughter. It was his daughter, right?
The guy and the princess instantly fall in love. You can tell because the camera does a close up on their faces as they make goofy facial expressions.
And also because there's a voiceover that tells us that they're in love. So much for subtlety.

The King offers to spar with Aang. This sounds like it'd be a cool fight, but it's just the king throwing stuff at Aang while he pushes it away, then makes a bunch of water fly around for no reason.
It goes without saying that the dances are now wackier than ever.

Meanwhile, in the Fire Kingdom, the general's getting chewed out by the king for letting the Avatar escape some more times.
But the general claims that it was because the prince is a traitor!!!

The king...doesn't like hearing that.
The camera focuses on his ring while the general and 80% of the background becomes a giant blur. I think the king might need new glasses.
King wrote:You believe...my son...is a traitor?

























General wrote:Yes.
End scene.

Meanwhile, in the water thingy place, there are some "romantic" scenes with the guy and the princess. We learn that the princess' hair is white because she was born asleep, and when she was placed in the magic pond and woke up, her hair was white.
Okay.
Good to know.

Oh and also, the entire Fire Kingdom is here to attack the Water Kingdom because Aang's there. Whops.
Why the hell did they even let him in, anyway?
As always, we're treated to a scene of the prince and his uncle on a boat.
For a kingdom based on FIRE, they sure love their boats.
Old Uncle Guy Dude wrote:We've arrived at the Water Kingdom.
But you're going to have to take his word for it, because you can't see outside the boat, and there aren't any shots of the outside of the boat. So yeah.

The prince wants to go fight everyone in the Water Kingdom personally, because he leaves the boat in a smaller boat.
The small boat still has to look evil, though, so it's like a spiky black floating coffin.
But after the prince paddles for about an inch, he decides that boats suck and jumps out so he can swim the rest of the way. BOATS ARE FOR WATERFAGS IM TOO HARDCORE FOR THAT FAGGOT SHIT

He swims underneath a big plate of ice, but when he tries to surface, he can't break through it! He should have brought a Nike swoosh.
Instead, we get a close up on his fingertips breaking through the ice for a good minute while dramatic music plays.
I...
Uh...

Meanwhile, Aang's gone to meditate in the meditation cave.
This is where the spirit of the moon lives. It's a regular fish.
:3
Aang says that sometimes, monks can meditate for four days straight!
Why's he doing this before an epic battle, again?

The battle's about to start. But first:
General wrote:I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your nephew in that explosion.
He smirks for about one second, and then the scene ends.

It's worth pointing out that the Waterfags get stronger when the moon's out, because of tides I guess.
So of course the Fire Kingdom has decided to attack at sunset. That's strategy!

Finally, the fight battle starts!
The Waterfags pound their sticks on the ground and make some kind of gay noise. They are gay
The Fire Dudes, on the other hand, have a gigantic amount of the ever-popular Official Fire Nation Boat(TM). They love their boats way too much.
ALSO THEY HAVE GIANT MONSTERS WHAT THE FUCK

So they beat each other up for a while. Meanwhile, the prince has decided to do something!
He's found the Meditation Cave where Aang's at. IT'S RAPING KIDNAPPING TIME!
But his canon pairing is here to protect him!
The girl and the prince fight for a while:
Prince wrote:FIRE
Girl wrote:Water beats fire.
Prince wrote:FIRE
Girl wrote:Water beats fire.
Prince wrote:FIRE
Girl wrote:Water beats fire.
Prince wrote:Uh


TWO FIRES
Girl wrote:Water bea-OW
He knocks her out, then explains why he just has to kidnap the Avatar. He also breathes heavily a lot and pauses for a while between sentences. Also, SHE CAN'T HEAR YOU NUMBNUTS YOU KNOCKED HER UNCONSCIOUS

He drags Aang off to some back room and says he'll wait for the fighting to quiet down. Before what, I wonder?

Meanwhile, Aang's having another drug trip. He asks the drug dragon (drugon?) how he's supposed to "beat the Fire Kingdom".
Puff the Magic Dragon wrote:As the Avatar you are not meant to hurt others. Something something meaningful. Also, use water.
I could have told him that!
In fact, I think I was yelling it at the screen.

Aang wakes up to hear the prince talking to him about how much his life sucks. He's so much of a loser that only people in comas will listen to him.
So he jumps out the door. The prince is all "Dammit not AGAIN" and chases after him.

They run into a room with a bunch of jars. The prince completely fails to recover any honor at all as Aang makes a fool of him for a good five minutes before the girl shows up and freezes him.
Aang wrote:We could have been friends.
Yeah, he's been acting really friendly all right. I still remember those happy times when he was holding a knife up to your face when he was masquerading as Lyle.

Meanwhile...Uh oh! The general himself is here! And also the old guy.
Now THEY'VE found the meditation room. And the general's going to...KILL THE MOON FISH
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

So he puts the fish in a sack.
It kind of seems like he should use a special spirit-bag, or something...
General wrote:Why would the spirits choose to take such mundane forms, which leave them vulnerable?
Old guy wrote:To teach us humility and compassion!
...Did you forget to take your medicine today, old guy?

EVERYONE RUNS INTO THE ROOM TO PROTECT THE FISH!!
Even the Old Guy is bothered by the fish-threatening, although that probably has something to do with the nephew explosion comments from earlier.
The music gets really, really dramatic, as the general prepares to stab the fishbag.
I'm not 100% sure, but the epic dialogue that followed went a little something like this:
Old Guy wrote:There are some things that mortal man must not tamper with! Do not disturb the gods!
General wrote:WE ARE THE GODS NOW
And he stabs the fishbag and the moonfish dies.

The moon turns red all of a sudden. That means bad.
The soldiers in the city look up and go "hey cool" before going right back to fighting.
Aang gets a headache. YOU EVIL BASTARD YOU GAVE AANG A HEADACHE

The old guy gets so mad, he spontaneously shoots fire out of his hands, even though that's supposed to be impossible.
Which is great, because now they can have fried fish.

The fire doesn't really do anything though. The general and his guards run away. That's about it.

But the princess has realized something: She can give her life to the spirit to restore it.
Excuse me?
Excuse me?
WHAT!?
Old Guy wrote:We all have our own purpose in living that we must discover for ourselves.
Princess wrote:This is my purpose in life!
Your purpose in life is to kill yourself for a fish.
How did this happen
WHO LET THIS MOVIE HAPPEN

But wait! There's also a romantic death scene.
Princess wrote:My spirit will take another shape or something!
Guy wrote:YOU CANT KILL YOURSELF FOR A FISH BAWWWWWW
Princess wrote:I'll miss you more than you'll ever know. *randomly dies*
I hate
everything

fffffff
ffff

fffffffff

The prince and the old guy/uncle chase after the general and finally corner him at the end of a walkway.
But the old guy tells the prince to...NOT fight.
No fight scene?
This, from the director who put a fight scene on the end of the lunch date for no reason at all?

The general's confused too. After they all stare at each other for a few minutes, the old guy and the prince turn to leave, but the general snarls and does cat claws at them, which somehow throws a bunch of fire.
The old guy brushes it out of the way and says something like
Your biggest error is that you're always on your own.
Because the reason he loses is because he's a lone wolf.
Actually, no. THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL

So they leave the General, who gets drowned by four random guys. WHAT

The battle's still raging, and it's up to Aang to stop it!
He makes sure not to hurt anybody (because the drugon told him not to) by kicking people in the chest and dropping icicles on them. You know, I think that's the OPPOSITE of not hurting people!!
I DON'T THINK I CAN LAST MUCH LONGER UNDER THESE CONDITIONS
IM DYING SQUIRTLE

Aang stands up on a wall and thinks about all the meaningful bullshit that's been told to him over the course of the movie.
Since thinking about his dead monk friends was keeping him from using water, he thinks about his dead monk friends. Then he goes into a trance and uses the biggest water ever.

A gigantic wave rises from the ocean and raises itself over the enemy fleet. It hangs there.
The soldiers in the city all stop fighting to look at the tip of the wave that's being formed, even though it's kind of hard to notice because the water's the same color as the city wall.
Also, these are the same guys who were like "The moon and the sky turned red? Yeah, I totally don't care" earlier.

Aang flattens the enemy fleet with the wave of death!

Yeah, not really. He just holds it up until all the boats run away. Because he's not supposed to hurt anyone.
He comes out of his trance to hear the girl yelling "I ALWAYS KNEW YOU WERE REAL!" at him.
What, did she think he was some kind of hologram or something before!?!?!

Turns out everyone in the city, including the enemy forces, thought the scary wave was SO IMPRESSIVE, that they all had to bow down to Aang right then and there.
The girl says something like WILL YOU BE OUR AVATAR.
So Aang does one last wacky dance, and stops in a weird pose, arm outstretched.
The camera does a slow zoom on him as he twitches a little bit. This goes on for a few seconds.
End scene.

Meanwhile, back in the Fire Kingdom, the king is whining about stuff.
King wrote:I lost the fight and I can't find that kid and the general's dead and my son's missing and EVERYTHING SUCKS.
Hey you, go kill everybody.
He was talking to the prince's evil sister.
The camera focuses on her as she attempts to smile. It takes her a couple of tries before she pulls it off.

Fade to black.
The end.

As the credits started to roll, a guy a couple rows behind us shouted "WHAT THE FUCK".

And that...was the best part of the whole movie.





...Why were they kidnapping old people?

_________________

Catbread Corner!

Thank you Myra-Avalon for my avatar
avatar
SHSL Gang Leader
Exodus

Favorite Tales Game : Graces
Posts : 4164
Grade : 10610
Charm : 566
Join date : 2009-06-13
Age : 28
Location : cain town

Back to top Go down

Re: The Last Airbender

Post by Rozencrutz on Sat Jul 03, 2010 8:47 am

This is by far the dumbest movie I have ever heard of it ranks up there with that stupid Eregon movie they made a while back.

Also Cat I sadly think you summary does it justice compared to the actual movie.

_________________

avatar
Rozencrutz
Exodus

Favorite Tales Game : Xillia
Posts : 4468
Grade : 10392
Charm : 214
Join date : 2009-06-10
Age : 26
Location : The Abyss

https://www.youtube.com/Elrohir001

Back to top Go down

Re: The Last Airbender

Post by RESSURECTED LYLE DAYEK on Sat Jul 03, 2010 8:48 am

"WHO THE HELL PUT A WIND TEMPLE UP THIRTY FLIGHTS OF GODDAMN STAIRS"
-Epic. Sigged.

Also, I hate James Cameron.

....Wait, wrong Avatar.

I hate M. Night Shamalan.

.....

What the hell, while we're at it, I hate J.J. Abrams too. I call doing this for when Super 8 comes out. I'm gonna bring a fucking notepad with me to that shit.

Also, THAT'S Zuko and Uncle? *Refering to sig.* Uncle looks nothing like...you know, UNCLE, and Zuko looks like a faggy little gaywad. *Re-reads review.*

Oh. ....I guess that makes sense then.

Also, it seems more like you're making fun of the plotline of Avatar as a whole, but I doubt M. Night Shamalan helped the movie at all. And I can probably agree that I would be that guy in the back row going: "WTF?!" I was the one who yelled out in the theater: "What a TURD!" when I saw the Trailer for Super 8.

And I'll probably yell 'What a fucking Turd!" at the end of Super 8. But getting back on topic, and away from my utter hatred of J.J. Abrams, good review Cat. I look forward to more of them.

Also, I still call dibs on Super 8. If you want, we can work together on that one. But I call doing it. A YEAR in advance.


Edit: Responding to Rozen's post: Eragon was so super depressing. It was terrible. They haven't even SHOWN Gallbatorix in the book yet, but they made him out as some pedofile king who likes silk or something. Brom was casted well though. Too bad the whole rest of the movie SUCKED. Book was so much better.

And yeah, reading Cat's review was far more entertaining. I would imagine it's a better waste of time.

_________________

avatar
RESSURECTED LYLE DAYEK
Admin
Admin

Favorite Tales Game : Symphonia
Posts : 9059
Grade : 19580
Charm : 493
Join date : 2009-06-10
Age : 28
Location : Right behind you. Don't look.

Back to top Go down

Re: The Last Airbender

Post by Rise: The Game on Sat Jul 03, 2010 10:17 am

i enjoyed workin on this with ya over msn cat. this movie blew so hard that imma see it again because i literally CRIED laughing

you guys can use this post to gimme rep for my awesome hard work and amazing comments S

_________________
avatar
Rise: The Game
Admin
Admin

Favorite Tales Game : VS
Posts : 13372
Grade : 27842
Charm : 804
Join date : 2009-05-13
Age : 28
Location : Inaba

http://www.taleschronicles.com

Back to top Go down

Re: The Last Airbender

Post by The Universe on Sat Jul 03, 2010 1:52 pm

Iroh wasn't played by Jack Black? Insta-failed.

_________________

Matthew O'Connell says: (3:13:42 AM)
"YOU CAN'T EVEN ASK YOUR PENIS ITS NAME!"
~°∆°[[Bizz] says: (9:24:45 PM)
You guys, I am stalking a girl from Spain.
Wist says: (9:25:06 PM)
Me too.
Lyle wrote:The song was one big saxophone solo and it has a girl dressed up like Santa Claus.

I'm so on board with this, it's not even funny.
avatar
The Universe
Exodus

Posts : 1961
Grade : 6235
Charm : 6
Join date : 2009-06-10
Location : Everywhere.

Back to top Go down

Re: The Last Airbender

Post by SHSL Gang Leader on Sat Jul 03, 2010 3:05 pm

Stiggs wrote:Also, it seems more like you're making fun of the plotline of Avatar as a whole, but I doubt M. Night Shamalan helped the movie at all.
Yeah, my bad...since I haven't seen the show, I was probably going after parts of it without knowing it, and I know the show's all right.
But that was to my benefit. I understand that if you HAVE seen the show, the movie becomes much worse, if that were possible.

The only other way it could be even worse if if it had crappy 3D effects, so we'll be trying to go see the 3D version of it later.

For more reading material, here's a review. Some of the reviews for the movie are almost as funny as the movie itself.

_________________

Catbread Corner!

Thank you Myra-Avalon for my avatar
avatar
SHSL Gang Leader
Exodus

Favorite Tales Game : Graces
Posts : 4164
Grade : 10610
Charm : 566
Join date : 2009-06-13
Age : 28
Location : cain town

Back to top Go down

Re: The Last Airbender

Post by RESSURECTED LYLE DAYEK on Sat Jul 03, 2010 5:17 pm

This review has inspired me to do a review of Cloverfield.

...But not for a while.

_________________

avatar
RESSURECTED LYLE DAYEK
Admin
Admin

Favorite Tales Game : Symphonia
Posts : 9059
Grade : 19580
Charm : 493
Join date : 2009-06-10
Age : 28
Location : Right behind you. Don't look.

Back to top Go down

Re: The Last Airbender

Post by Arc on Mon Jul 05, 2010 12:57 am

I will read your hillarious review more after I've seen it :3

I watched the series from start to finish as it came out.
avatar
Arc
Art Mod
Art Mod

Favorite Tales Game : Symphonia
Posts : 1916
Grade : 6580
Charm : 274
Join date : 2009-06-11
Age : 26
Location : Maryland

Back to top Go down

Re: The Last Airbender

Post by Kallen Kozuki on Mon Jul 05, 2010 9:02 am

Wow I don't think I'll be seeing this, cause I did watch some of the show.

_________________
avatar
Kallen Kozuki
Exodus

Posts : 2065
Grade : 6641
Charm : 292
Join date : 2009-08-16
Age : 26
Location : Never Around

Back to top Go down

Re: The Last Airbender

Post by RESSURECTED LYLE DAYEK on Mon Jul 05, 2010 9:52 am

It's worth noting, that the actor who played Aang was so bad, that the editor was forced to cut around the character.

No joke. I swear this happened. I heard from a reliable source, who was pretty big on the cartoon, so they followed the movie data closely.

And when you have to cut away from your MAIN CHARACTER, that's usually a pretty fucking bad sign.

_________________

avatar
RESSURECTED LYLE DAYEK
Admin
Admin

Favorite Tales Game : Symphonia
Posts : 9059
Grade : 19580
Charm : 493
Join date : 2009-06-10
Age : 28
Location : Right behind you. Don't look.

Back to top Go down

Re: The Last Airbender

Post by Arc on Wed Jul 07, 2010 1:39 am

I caved and read.

Fucking win catbread.
avatar
Arc
Art Mod
Art Mod

Favorite Tales Game : Symphonia
Posts : 1916
Grade : 6580
Charm : 274
Join date : 2009-06-11
Age : 26
Location : Maryland

Back to top Go down

Re: The Last Airbender

Post by SHSL Gang Leader on Wed Jul 07, 2010 2:22 am

Sorry and thank you

_________________

Catbread Corner!

Thank you Myra-Avalon for my avatar
avatar
SHSL Gang Leader
Exodus

Favorite Tales Game : Graces
Posts : 4164
Grade : 10610
Charm : 566
Join date : 2009-06-13
Age : 28
Location : cain town

Back to top Go down

Re: The Last Airbender

Post by Grunge Hamster on Wed Jul 07, 2010 8:36 am

Man I'm a bit late reading this but fuckin' hilarious man! You know I really did love the show. So much so I completely ignored how bad it was when I watched it, telling myself it wasn't too bad and putting all the blame on the stiff actors, but after letting it sink in and reading this I'm forced to admit it. This movie took one of the best action cartoons I've seen and completely raped the shit out of it. But at least it was funny.

_________________
avatar
Grunge Hamster
Exodus

Posts : 2897
Grade : 8012
Charm : 154
Join date : 2010-04-01
Age : 26

Back to top Go down

Re: The Last Airbender

Post by usogami on Sat Jul 10, 2010 6:30 pm

so yea, saw it and now i am gonna rant about it.

1- how do u beak ice with a bommerang
2- tiger seal? what ever happened to the penguins.
3- what the beep is wrong with appa's legs? they look like demented elongated bird talon legs thingies.
4- aang not happy
5- bastardization of names ( like iroh, sokka, and anng)
6- did the writer intend to add sexual innuendo fo iroh when he was speaking to aang? like (not exact quotes) "ill lay object infornt of you" "ive dont this many times" or "it wont hurt"
7- why is aang'd master black? and the rest of airbenders in flash back are either indian or white? (i think i saw an asian too...)
8- "give us all your old ppl"
9- "u cant kill ANYONE" said mister dragon
10-" ill make u cum on my ship"
11- why does aang suck at waterbending?
12- zhou's face during the interrogation of aang was the best XD
13- bastaridzation of names
14- that liitle asian girl is not haru. she isnt even taller than katara
15- where are kiyoshi warriors? jet?
16- where is koizilla?
17- how does scaring ppl with a wave make them go away forever?
18- y does yue wear pants?
19- more bastaridzation of names
20- pakku?
21- y would appa swim to northern water tribe?
22- y do u need a random kid to tell u ur past?
23- what happened to zuko's scar? u can barely see it
avatar
usogami
God General
God General

Posts : 451
Grade : 3998
Charm : 38
Join date : 2009-08-29

Back to top Go down

Re: The Last Airbender

Post by SHSL Gang Leader on Sun Jul 11, 2010 1:21 pm



Marvel as Aang doesn't hurt anybody and then caresses a guy's face at the end



Behold Zuko's ability to use two fires at the same time

_________________

Catbread Corner!

Thank you Myra-Avalon for my avatar
avatar
SHSL Gang Leader
Exodus

Favorite Tales Game : Graces
Posts : 4164
Grade : 10610
Charm : 566
Join date : 2009-06-13
Age : 28
Location : cain town

Back to top Go down

Re: The Last Airbender

Post by usogami on Sun Jul 11, 2010 5:00 pm

o yea... and wrong fighting styles for ppl...... or actors cant do martial arts properly (aang is far too linear)
avatar
usogami
God General
God General

Posts : 451
Grade : 3998
Charm : 38
Join date : 2009-08-29

Back to top Go down

Re: The Last Airbender

Post by Tatsuya on Wed Jul 14, 2010 10:39 pm

I've always said this but the arrow on Aang's head that points down to his mouth kinda has the feeling that it's trying to say "insert dick here"

_________________


Fury! You've got it all wrong. When I was a little kid I thought your sister was hot.
But that was then. Now it's you.

a skype call wrote: Sigurd: and maybe courage is the magic that turns dreams into reality is actually catchphrase of the decade
Jungo Torii: but it IS
avatar
Tatsuya
Exodus

Posts : 1511
Grade : 5617
Charm : 141
Join date : 2009-06-10
Age : 26
Location : Here but not here

Back to top Go down

Re: The Last Airbender

Post by SHSL Gang Leader on Thu Jul 15, 2010 12:17 am

Lenneth wrote:I've always said this but the arrow on Aang's head that points down to his mouth kinda has the feeling that it's trying to say "insert dick here"
Or "I'm with stupid"

_________________

Catbread Corner!

Thank you Myra-Avalon for my avatar
avatar
SHSL Gang Leader
Exodus

Favorite Tales Game : Graces
Posts : 4164
Grade : 10610
Charm : 566
Join date : 2009-06-13
Age : 28
Location : cain town

Back to top Go down

Re: The Last Airbender

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum