Lets Play Shin Megami Tensai Nocturne (WITH VISUAL AIDS)

So I decided I'd play this game and talk about it and use screen shots FOR VISUAL AID.

I haven't slept in roughly three days though so, uh, yeah there's that....this is gonna suck.

So I boot up the game.



A game about demonic invaders that features maybe 5 human characters over-all...yup....was totally gonna think this was based on a true story.

So we boot up the game and some glowy-looking bitch goes on about how the world is shit and that it needs to die.

Nietchze? Bro is that you? Bro man, Nietchze man what have they done to you.

No wait she says she wants to "return it to it's womb" ...I'm not sure if that's better or worse.

So anyway she asks me my name.



Accept no substitutes.

So anyway she says she's like uh...the nurturer of the next world...god could this be anymore vague?

I think that makes her like...god or something though....huh.

Now she wants me to say her name.

Excuse me madam but just because you bought me dinner does not mea- oh it's just a fancy name input thing nvm.



Nah, that won't work.



Much better.

So anyway Darth Vader says she won't cry anymore and tells me to wake up.

Talk about sentences you never expected to say.

So anyway it cuts to a train conducter telling people not to rush onto trains while the doors are closing....japan is weird.

So anyway we get our first look at the protagonist and-



Oh yay a total shorts dork.

BUT WAIT

You got a text message.




Did everyone in this game forget their names suddenly?



No...that won't suffice.



Much better.

Bitches informs me I need to go to some place called Yoyogi Park and that I should wear my goth cloths to impress my teacher.

...

What?

How does...that...even...huh? What? Why...it's like...that's not just something I would never say. That's something no one ever would say.

"I don't care if you come or not but Ms. Vader is nice to me when you're around."

...

Sounds to me like he's...



Hot for teachers.

HYEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

So anyway I head for the park when I'm stopped suddenly by what must clearly be a very important character.



...

Moving right along.

The guy proceeds to tell me about some Riots and that if I want some more information I should look at that giant screen.



Have fun with that 40 year old virginity creepy subway guy who uses the word "lookey loo"

So after getting away from creepy subway guy I head for the park.



...<3

So anyway i talk to the incredibly sexy man about some riots or something for a bit, he said some crazy shit about cults...right.

I'm torn between my desire to have his adopted babies and my opinion that everything he just said was bullshit...ah the eternal dilemma.



Oh thank god this was getting awkward.

It's my bitchy classmate...yay.

She tells me she and bitches already left.



GOD DAMNIT, has EVERYONE in this game forgotten their own names?




That's what you get for not remembering your own name!

So anyway Sexy-Hobo says some more weird shit about cults and gives me a magezine. (and not the funkind either.)



I didn't know Japan had a version of the national inquirer.

So anyway I head to the hospital while engaging NPCs in conversation that will be relevent to the rest of the game I'm sure.






...

Japan is weird.


So I arrive at the hospital and see Whore chillin' out or something.



Yeah took me forever, creepy people kept talking to me it was kind of weird.

So whore yells at me for talking to strangers, clearly not under-standing just how sexy that hobo was.



Believe me I'm just as confused about that as you are.

So anyway I go to the second floor to look for Bitches...

So anyway I find him in a hospital room doing ???



Wow he's cool, can I play as him instead of shorts boy?

Probably not.

So after some awkward gay banter we decide that shit be whack yo and someone should check on Whore.

After lossing a rock paper scissors toss (Bastard threw Rock five times....and just when I caught onto the pattern, BOOM Scissors) we decided I should be the one to do the checking.



No



I'm sure it does.

So she goes on about terrorists and cults and other bullshit and it's sort of getting really awkward.



Oh thank god Bitches this was getting awkward.



Damnit.....just got awkward again.

LAST TiME ON SHIN MEGAMI TENSEI NOCTURNE.

Bitches: I was in the men's room.

WE NOW RETURN YOU TO OUR SPECIAL BROADCAST OF SHIN MEGAMI TENSEI NOCTURNE



Honestly if that's the extent of your reaction to "I honestly thought our teacher was in a men's room" but your reaction to some rag magezine preaching about cults is "OMFG RUN" I think you need to prioritize.



It's sad when I actually want to get back to the crazy bitch discussing plots....Mr. Almark I am disapoint.



I have a feeling this was supposed to be funny but I'm clearly missing something.



Ya think?

So Bitches in a sudden display of memory points out he's actually heard some fucked up rumours about this place as well, and not just form crack-pot dollar store occult magezines.



He didn't think to mention any of this earlier though.



You don't watch a lot of horror movies do you? It's shit like that that gets a machete six inches deep in your rectum.

So Bitches tells me to go to the creepy ass basement.



Impeccable logic.

So I head for the ACTION ELEVATOR again and select the basement.



I've never been in a hospital basement before but I'm getting a strong feeling it's not supposed to look like that.



...Fuck my life.

So anyway shit is indeed whack yo, so I decide to get the fuck out of dodge.

As I'm leaving though I pass a door.




When is the answer to that quesiton ever "no"?



OH SHIT! A person who remembered their own name!

The rest of this scene goes as such.

Hikawa: Ominous.
Me: ???
Hikawa: Moar Ominous
Me: ???
Hikawa: UP TO ELEVEN
Me: ...
Hikawa: Up to elven OMINOUSNESS
Me: This word...you keep using this word...I don't think you know what it means.




Lemme stop you right there, I'm pretty sure no one has ever said that.



Dude I just don't dig your rhymes, no need to take it so personal.



...fuck my life.



When is the answer to that quesiton not "Face him"

It was only after selecting this option that I remembered I didn't have an inventory screen yet and as such any fight that takes place will be a non-standard game over or a tutorial.

I don't suppose there's a "JK lol" button?



...didn't think so.

Well as I brace myself for the sweet embrace of death my teacher shows up out of no where.



Objectively speaking this is probably a REALLY bad idea.



Yeah...honestly I'd have killed me by now.



The impenetrable argument of a four year old.

So the dude lets me go for some reason and my teacher tells me to head to the roof.

I briefly considered telling Bitches and Whore about finding my teacher and the rape dragon guy but then I remembered they're assholes and decided to just head for the elevator.

Buuuuut as soon as I get out into the hallway.



Oh great.



This is some Stephen King bullshit right here.

So then they vanish as if they were never there....that's normal right?

I head for the elevator once again.



Oh elevator, how I missed you, no one can ever know about our love.

So anyway I get to the roof.



Damn, you were right about the bitchin' view.

Then.....this happens.



Holy...Fucking...Shit.

Just.....Woah...I need a minute...


THAT!
JUST!
HAPPENED!

WHAT THE HELL!

Oh right the game.



A christ you guys again.



I'm honored, uhm, I'm not the only one who saw that right? The world ending catastrophe?



...No okay yeah I'm actually to terrified right now for rational thought so I'll stand perfectly still and just sit here soiling my pants.



Can we maybe like not have it hurt at all that'd be nice.




I'm not the only one seeing this right, cause if so it means I got into my mom's fish head wine again and forgot.



...what's this?

It would appear my shorts wearing pansy man has evolved...evolved into a badass.



Damnit you're killing the moment.



I'd rather not thanks.

PREVIOUSLY ON SHIN MEGAMI TENSAI: NOCTURNE!

Whore Biscuit: I'm Pregnant...AND MIHAWK IS THE FATHER!

Mihawk: No...it was actually my evil twin...BITCHES ALMARK!

*organ and lightning bolt*

We now return to our scheduled programing.



So after being molested by creepy business men and their dragons, being molested by my teacher, being molested by a 5 year old and his grandma and being molested by a tape worm.

I head out into the hallway and begin my epic quest by talking to that little blue floaty guy.



Yeah actually you are that peculiar and why did you just call me a demon?



It's a good thing this isn't survival horror or everyone in this game would be fucked silly. Probably by some guy with a hockey mask and an ice pick.

So we go into the dark evil room of ominousness that last time we were here housed a rape dragon and a pissed off wanna be member of a Black Eyed Peas cover band.

Oh and the runes on the door, that's always a good thing too.



I take it back I take it all back...I wanna have his adopted babies ~<3



I'm not really sure how much stronger I am just that I'm infinitely more badass.

I think I'll go with the truthful option here.

"I don't know."



Implying I would think like anything else?

No seriously it's almost like he's trying to tell me something.

Wait a second everyone who tuned in last time got front row tickets to a REM concert cause it's the end of the world as we know it and bitch I do NOT feel fine.

How is this guy still alive?



You get into my mom's fish head wine too?



Fine ignore me, yes this is Shinjuku.



Gee I wonder if he's asking me to do something...



Come across what? Rapists? Dragons? Whatever Drugs we both seem to have taken in order to be communicating on this level?



...so drugs then?



Of course not this is japan, only spikey haired children in mechas or painfully bishounen swordsman can help us now.

So anyway he proceeds to explain some more mystic occult bullshit I wasn't really paying attention...



Hey I liked that movie too- Oh! Con not In my bad.

...

...

Conception?

ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME THAT 5 YEAR OLD AND HIS TAPE WORM KNOCKED ME UP!



*sigh* always you with the ignoring me- WAIT

Barrel Shaped?

Barrel Shaped is the last word I'd use to describe that spinny glyphic doom machine.



Hikawa...Hikawa...Hikawa...where've I heard that name before?



Well assuming aforementioned doom machine truly belongs to him yeah.



[/implying I had a choice in the first place]



OH THANK GOD A SAVE POINT I WAS STARTING TO THINK THIS GAME DIDN'T HAVE ANY!

So I save my game to the memory card in slot A and continue.



[/implying that's not what I was going to be doing in the first place.]

So after that bit of oddness I head back to the Elevator, my only love in this cold cruel uncaring world.




When is the answer to that question ever "No"



Oh uhm, situations just like this apparently.




God this is like the third time they've mentioned demons in like ten minutes...it's like...they're trying to tell me something.

What could it be...



Woah, magic all up in this bitch.

So I start walking through the...uhm...sewer? I'll go with sewer for now.

Anyway I come across a Nintendo Game Cube



When is the answer to that question ever no.

Anyway I walk around and collect some medicine and stuff which is nice but I wonder what it's for I mean it's not like I've fought anything ye-



OH SHIT



Alright I'm pretty sure that's illegal in some states.



hmmm...not a lot of options here.



BOOM DID YOU FUCKING SEE THAT I SHAM POWED A BITCH!

Not really much to see here, kind of boring in text form so I included a video if anyone wants to see the whole thing.



So anyway I continue through the sewer and fight a few other random encounters not interesting enough to talk about.



Oh hey I levelled up, watch me upgrade nothing but strength cause real men punch things rah!



Wait I just now learned Lung? How have I been breathing up til' no-

OH!

Luuuuunge! With an E.



My head must be cavernous if you can pick up an echo from that distance.



Yes I made it through like three feet of sewer and 3 random monster encounters so weak I didn't have to heal but even if I had to could have asked a conveniently placed NPC to do it for free.

I'm a badass.



I know.

So anyway he restores my elevator to it's previous sexy glory and I go and save my game cause I reaaaally don't want to have to do that again.

TO BE CONTINUED!