Marvel Comics

I signed up for a month of Marvel's digital comic service thingy. I figure reading eight thousand comics in a month will be pretty simple.

I started with UNCANNY X-MEN which was published in 1963 and is hysterical.

STARRING:

PROFESSOR CHARLES XAVIER who is a psychic P.A. system and slide projector. His best skill is the ability to make giant copies of his head, which hover in the air and provide exposition.
Fun fact: he's actually too lazy to communicate using his voice!

Baldy wrote:You are receiving my thoughts perfectly! Soon, there will be no need for me to speak aloud to you at all!

Hooray!

COTTAGE CHEESE MAN ICEMAN who can make ice cubes from his arms! He is also retarded!

Iceman wrote:I'll need a carrot, and some buttons!

Iceman wrote:TA TA TA TAAAA! Look at ME...I'm a snowman!

THE BEAST who randomly decides to be a super-genius and use big words a lot a few issues into the series. Fortunately this gave him more character so I can let this go.

Warren Worthington the Third ANGEL whose power is to have wings! Okay!

CYCLOPS. My brother tells me his eyes are portals to a dimension made of lasers. Wait what the fuck

Jean Grey MARVEL GIRL! She is a girl, and sometimes people will call her "girl". The Professor teaches her how to knit with her telekinetic powers!

These are our heroes, the X-MEN. The good Professor explains what their group name means:

Baldy wrote:You possess an EXTRA power...one which ordinary humans do NOT!! That is why I call my students...X-MEN, for EX-tra power!

Of course!

The X-Men frequently spend time training in THE DANGER ROOM, which is a room where a lot of random dangerous shit flies at them. For training.
This includes things like "the spanner" which is a giant saw-like thing that Angel has to fly through as part of his training. He also has to fly through fire jets and crushing machines.
Then Xavier shoots him with a "sound concussion machine" as a surprise exam! SURPRISE

They also fight a variety of "evil mutants". Such as:

THE MIRACULOUS MAGNETO, whose favorite hobby is to fuck with NASA. He talks to himself for a half hour, then knocks a missile out of the air for no reason.

Newsboy wrote:EXTRA! EXTRA! Another missile fails! EXTRA!

He also writes threatening messages in the air with dust particles. He signs his name in cursive and everything.

THE VANISHER, who vanishes. Somehow this makes him the most horrifying villain ever, and he beats the X-Men by running away really well (SPOILER: he vanishes).

Angel wrote:Cheer up, group! It's not the end of the world...!

Newsboy wrote:EXTRA! EXTRA!! Vanisher makes monkeys out of X-Men! EXTRA!!

The Vanisher is defeated when Xavier looks at him. He gets amnesia and becomes an RPG protagonist.

THE BLOB. NOTHING MOVES THE BLOB!
He's actually kind of cool because he spends most of the comic laughing at everybody.

UNUS THE UNTOUCHABLE.
UNUS.
NOTHING TOUCHES UNUS!
How have they run out of ideas already!? It's the eighth issue!

MAGNETO SOME MORE TIMES. But this time with his gang:
TOAD the fag
MASTERMIND the fag
QUICKSILVER who would be okay but his hair is a weird shape, making him a fag (but just barely!)
and SCARLET WITCH who points at people and they get bad luck and things fall on them. This is funny because it happens by accident a lot.
But she's not too smart. "YOU NEVER SAID WE'D TURN TO MURDER" she says, even though they were about to use an atomic bomb to destroy an entire nation a while back. OH NO NOT MURDER

Also, Magneto is a very angry person. His favorite word is "SILENCE!!"
He's defeated for good in issue #10 when an alien kidnaps him and yells that he will NEVER RETURN. I guess we've seen the last of him!

A lot of other hideously terrible things happen but that was a lot of writing I just did and now I am tired. But you get the idea.

Does anyone know other embarrassing things about Marvel comics, or just comics in general? That'd be cool.

lol. I sometimes hang with marvel nerds and I've been told that one of cyclops' powers is super-seed. all his kids are omega level mutants that can destroy the world..... other stuff they told me:

scarlet witch has a mental breakdown and rewrites reality so that magneto rules the world, then she has another one and all mutants become depowered.

depowered blob loses all his fat like liposuction leaving massive folds of skin, he tries to kill himself but cant find his wrists.

mastermind's kid has pheremone control so everyone automatically falls in love with her, but if theres a strong wind shes unattractive again

wolverine and psylocke have a kid
he also gets with shadow cat (eww think of the age difference)

There's also this extremly scary OP mutant called elixir who controls all biological matter... he can cure or give you every disease ever, give you extra limbs, remove your orifices whatever he wants

Frosty (iceman) becomes omega level, capable of freezing anything anywhere with his thoughts.

mr. fantatic and the invisible girl have a 7 yearold son who can and has changed reality.

Jubilee shoots nukes

angel becomes a horseman of the apocalypse

oh, gambits powers(turn stuff into bombs) become thought controlled w/ a worldwide range... he thinks about a girl he met and then shouts "what have I done???"

Red Forman wrote:fucked up shit

Oh, wow.

It sounds like these guys got a little bit stronger over time. Just a little.
Right now, all Scarlet Witch does is make things fall on people...

Wolverine, Psylocke, Gambit, etc. haven't showed up yet, though, and I doubt they will for a while. And I have no idea who Jubilee is.

I guess I have all that to look forward to. Right now I've taken a break from X-Men and am on the 1961 Fantastic Four. They all hate each other and fight mole people.

What happens to them next...oh, it looks like Namor's going to beat them up, too.
He beat up the X-Men and Magneto's crew already. It's like he just goes around beating people up.

The Description of Uncanny X-Men #6 wrote:The X-Men and Brotherhood are evenly matched, and both teams think Namor the Sub-Mariner can turn the tide in their favor! Too bad no one told them that in the war between good and evil, Namor’s just as likely to fight both sides!

lol, yeah that guys ridiculous, he fights the avengers too.

That's awesome.

Only actual comic I ever read was Green Lantern so this is all new to me, 10/10 would read again.