Storytime

Today I'll be reading Dorothy and the Wizard in Oz, the fourth book in the Oz series. Yes there was a series
This book was published in 1908. The pages are yellowed with age. lets do this shit
It will be intellectually stimulating. Just watch
If you hate yourself you can read along right here.

-Chapter One: The Earthquake-

"The train from 'Frisco was very late."

See, this is a hardcore way of saying "San Fransisco".
But for some reason it sounds like a cool snack

It's five in the goddamn morning and the train from 'Frisco pulls up at the station, at a place called "Hugson's Siding". What kind of name is that

A girl gets off the train and she is pro because she's carrying a suitcase, a parasol, and a birdcage AT THE SAME TIME.

Btw the birdcage is covered with newspapers so no one knows what terrifying secrets it holds
Spoilers: It's not a bird!!!!!!
!!!

Turns out the train was late because there were a bunch of earthquakes earlier, and the conductor was afraid the rails would just start flying around or something, so he drove really slowly, I guess so he could jump out and run away if he needed to.

See, it's funny because there are a lot of earthquakes in California. LOL

The girl watches the train as it heads off down the tracks once more, until it is out of sight. I assume this takes a half hour

Then she turns to the incredible "old wooden bench" that has been gratefully provided for weary travelers.
Even though she's carrying all that stuff, she refuses to sit on the bench. Oh come on I'm sure you won't get too many splinters

She looks around for any sign of life in the godforsaken Californian wasteland and eventually sees a horse and buggy, which is like a big chair with wheels that's attached to a horse.
That's high-tech

The horse is old and skinny and anorexic. That's hot

"His head was long and seemed altogether too big for him, as though it did not fit."

What the hell does that even mean

The girl looks into the buggy, obviously planning to steal the radio.
But alas! There is an occupant within. It is a sleeping boy.
The girl does what comes naturally and jabs him with her parasol. Haha

He is surprisingly not bothered by this.
He cheerfully asks if her name is Dorothy Gale, and it is!!!!!!
Yes the girl is obviously Dorothy from that whole Wizard of Oz thing if anyone knows what I'm referring to.
In the books, she has a tendency to wander around and eventually wind up in Oz for no reason

The kid's there to pick her up and take her to "Hugson's Ranch". Ooh sounds like fun
He asks if her train's arrived yet. I don't think he's too bright

"I couldn't be here if it wasn't," she said.
He laughed at that, and his laugh was

Please say gay please say gay please say gay

merry and frank.

DAMMIT
You're making my job harder than it has to be, book

The boy sees Dorothy's CAGE OF MYSTERY.

"Canary-birds?" he asked.

Yeah that's the only thing that could be in a birdcage: canary-birds
Parrots can gtfo
And don't even THINK about finches

But she explains that it's her kitten, Eureka. Aww you spoiled the surprise

"Eureka's a funny name for a cat," he remarked.

Hey!
Eureka's an awesome name

"I named my kitten that because I found it," she explained. "Uncle Henry says 'Eureka' means 'I have found it.'"

Makes sense. That's what I named the penny I found this morning

So they get into the buggy and are OFF TO THE RANCH! Yaaaaaaay
But actually no. The horse won't move.

"Perhaps," said Dorothy, "if you untied him, he would go."

The horse is tied to the tree.

"Guess I'm half asleep yet," he said

Half-asleep. Suuuuure.

"But Jim knows his business all right—don't you, Jim?" patting the long nose of the animal.

In fact, he's a stockbroker.

So the boy steers Jim and the buggy down the crappy dirt road and they are OFF TO THE RANCH!
He attempts small talk. So what do retarded Californian farm boys talk about, anyway?
I'm guessing dirt

By the way, this music just started playing on my iTunes.
It fits the scene AND is hilarious
Dorothy's working on her Social Links, y'see

"I've waited at that station for five hours."

Station?
You mean that bench, right?

"We had a lot of earthquakes," said Dorothy. "Didn't you feel the ground shake?"

"Yes; but we're used to such things in California," he replied. "They don't scare us much."

YEAH
TECTONIC SHIFTS CAN SUCK A DICK

"The conductor said it was the worst quake he ever knew."

Well he was a pussy. He drove slowly and everything
Obviously not from California, or as I like to call it, MANifornia

Apparently Dorothy's Uncle Henry is visiting Hugson's Ranch, I guess to talk about dirt.
Maybe there's a dirt convention in 'Frisco

"Uncle Bill Hugson married your Uncle Henry's wife's sister; so we must be second cousins," said the boy,

They're cousins. No pairings allowed, faggots

"I work for Uncle Bill on his ranch, and he pays me six dollars a month and my board."

"Isn't that a great deal?" she asked, doubtfully.

I guess Dorothy doesn't know how much 1900's money is worth either.

Dorothy asks what his name is. Nice timing

"Not a very pretty one," he answered, as if a little ashamed.

Well geez I'm sorry you don't have a pretty name

"My whole name is Zebediah; but folks just call me 'Zeb.'"

Are you kidding me!?
That name has a Z in it and is automatically awesome
You gotta appreciate what you have, man. Being pretty isn't everything

And of course, Zeb asks Dorothy about the magical land of wonders she visited.

You've been to Australia, haven't you?"

"Yes; with Uncle Henry," she answered.

They talk for a while longer
BUT THEN THERE IS A MASSIVE EARTHQUAKE OSHI-

Next minute there was a roar and a sharp crash, and at her side Dorothy saw the ground open in a wide crack and then come together again.

...Wait
That's not how earthquakes actually work, is it?

Jim the horse panics and takes lots of goading before he starts moving again, and even then he moves very slowly.
Wouldn't it be a better idea to leave the dangerous area as fast as possible?
Well, I'm not an elderly Californian horse so I'll just let the expert handle this

Neither the boy nor the girl spoke again for some minutes. There was a breath of danger in the very air, and every few moments the earth would shake violently.

Oh come on, it's just an earthquake. I'm sure it's not that bad-

The sky had grown darker again and the wind made queer sobbing sounds as it swept over the valley.

Uh
Hmm.
I guess the earthquake is evil.
So another fissure opens directly underneath the buggy and they all fall into it. IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE

Blackness engulfed them on every side, and in breathless silence they waited for the fall to end and crush them against jagged rocks or for the earth to close in on them again and bury them forever in its dreadful depths.

You know, because kids' book.

Dorothy has had enough of this bullshit and she faints.

Zeb, being a boy, did not faint,

FINALLY
Some good old-fashioned sexism. HIS TESTICLES GIVE HIM STRENGTH
They don't call it MANifornia for nothing

And so they fall and die. Or maybe not.
Either way, that's the end of the chapter.
TUNE IN TOMORROW FOR THE NEXT ACTION-PACKED CHAPTER OF
DRAGONBALL Z



Wait a minute I'm from California

California more like...stupid state with earthquakes and no money.

BURN

Yosuke Hanamura wrote:California more like...stupid state with earthquakes and no money.

BURN

Your face is a stupid state with earthquakes and no money

Yeah I went there

Catbread wrote:

Yosuke Hanamura wrote:California more like...stupid state with earthquakes and no money.

BURN

Your face is a stupid state with earthquakes and no money

Yeah I went there

Oh snap.

Oiy TLS, dun be dissin my birthplace or i'll come from under your bed and diss you. With a magnum and a bottle of whiskey.

Generic Random Insult wrote:Oiy TLS, dun be dissin my birthplace or i'll come from under your bed and diss you. With a magnum and a bottle of whiskey.

Could you just bring the whiskey?