Books

I CANT FUCKIN SLEEP
BECAUSE IM TOO BUSY THINKING ABOUT BOOKS
All books are gay and here's why

The Time Warp Trio is a group of kids who repeatedly get into the most fatal and implausible situations imaginable.
They have a magic book called "The Book", and although its title might be amazing, it tends to throw the trio into most retarded place it can think of that week if anyone so much as looks at it funny.
See, I told you books were gay.

The unlucky saps that make up this group are Joe (main character), Fred (tough guy, jock), and Sam (smart guy, glasses). BY THEIR POWERS COMBINED THEY ARE THE TIME WARP TRIO

This is their "origin story", which starts with the Black Knight about to kill them. Wait what
For a kids' book (it's very thin), they sure use the word "die" a lot! Geez!
But this is just a setup, because then Joe (who is narrating) says "but before we all die, here's some backstory."
He does this for every book. You'd think he might change up his act after a while.

It's Joe's birthday, and his crazy magician uncle's sent him a magic book that sends everyone around it off to almost certain death.
WHY WOULD YOU-
...Never mind. And that was pretty much the entire explanation.

So they jump out of the way of the knight. Wow, what a complex maneuver that was.
They do it some more until the knight gets tired, and then Fred hits him in the head with a stick, and he falls off his horse and can't move. Can you say "anticlimax boss"?

BUT THEN MORE KNIGHTS SHOW UP but these are good knights so that's okay.
They explain that the Black Knight hath slew many of their comrades. Then he was defeated by three kids and a stick. What is this I don't even

As always, Joe gets historical figures to do what he wants by pretending to be a magician, which is a valid strategy until he tries to actually do magic. More on this later.
So the knights take the three of them to Camelot so they can fight a giant and a dragon. Yeah, the situation always gets worse for these guys, always.

I'm asleep now so I'll try to continue this later. The danger of books must be made clear

So is this a topic about books or a topic making fun of books?

Raine Sage wrote:So is this a topic about books or a topic making fun of books?

Knowing about everyone here, it's probably the second choice

its just a topic about the book your reading I'm guessing

hey I liked the time warp trio when i was younger. and at least the later books are better than bleach. they learn to control their time travel and everything.
anyway on the topic of heavy kids books, I'm currently reading a junior series my litle bro found called the Seems. It's about the people who run the world's mechanical workings. Basically everything is manufactured and grown in the "Seems" and delivered to the world like packages of "sleep" or the colors of the sunset painted beforehand. At first its kind of childish until the characters start bringing up existential questions like "if we can manufacture hapiness and good luck why are there wars? cant we just sprinkle a little more "good will" around?" The series main villains are a group of terrorists who want to usurp the "powers that be" in order to recreate the world w/out evil. and that's a kids book.
Altough w/ all the idiots running around I kind of like to see those kinds of books. It gets kids thinking about what really matters. They question the big things like morality and authority. Then their heads hurt and they go play escapist fantasy games and grow up hating the status quo, lashing out at those that would ruin the planet, but eventually settling into regular jobs and refusing to add to world conflict but not really doing anything about it. If everyone was a nerd the only wars would be flame wars.

Lampo wrote:hey I liked the time warp trio when i was younger.

I had a pretty hard time trying to make fun if it for that reason

The Seems sounds like a pretty hardcore childrens' book. And then it was the plot for hundreds of video games

Hold on I got a couple more books to criticize

A story about a hairy midget whose main strength is drinking lots of tea. He gets the shit kicked out of him for several months, and halfway into it he snaps and kills a million giant spiders, then escapes from prison while escorting 13 people.
Then he spends the climax of the book unconscious. Better luck next time!

A 12-year-old owns everybody in the entire world and also fairies.
The author, Eoin Colfer, attempts to make fairies cool by giving them massive amounts of weapons and technology. He almost succeeds until Mulch Diggums appears, who rekindles my extreme hatred of potty humor and then appears in the next five books for no good reason.
The reader spends most of the book trying to figure out what the characters actually look like.

A series of books with as much predictability as any RPG in which you have to collect a number of colored stones, because that's the plot. There's even a boss guarding each one (such as a giant slug called "the Glus").
The bosses are punctuated with a number of incredibly obvious and stupid riddles.
...Okay, so the goblins were kind of funny. Push, don't pull! IF YOU WISH TO DIE
I forgot all the character's names, so the Glus must be the most important character.

I was promised a science fiction book, but it was actually a love story. I DEMAND A REFUND
SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH WOLVES ARE GAY AND SO ARE YOU

A bunch of furries in a castle get attacked by some rat named Cluny the Scourge, which is probably the least threatening villain name possible.
TELL THE DEVIL CLUNY SENT YOU
I bet the Devil had a pretty good laugh that day
Then they kill each other with sharp objects for a while and Matthias reads a magic poem about fate. Then they have a feast for the sixth time that week.
Eventually it all goes to hell and Matthias ends up beating up half the forest and getting the Master Sword. Then he saves the day and they have a feast.
WOW THAT'S NOT PREDICTABLE AT actually that food is starting to sound pretty good
This is the first in a series of roughly one thousand books, all of which are identical.

A guy's intestines fall out. It takes an entire book to convey this, but somehow manages to be good anyway.
Also: I can't tell if Yossarian is a cool name or a stupid one. Leaning towards the former.

A young boy discovers that he's a wizard.
He immediately tries to resurrect his dead parents, but fails, and ends up having to affix his friend Ron's soul to a suit of armor.
Then he finds out he's in Britain. Hey wait a minute

Ironically, this book is to me as the white whale is to Ahab.
Not because it's some kind of unattainable goal, but because that's how much I hate it.
This book taught me an important lesson: Reading is for queers.

Some kid named Taran touches a book and burns his fingers. The moral of the story is that you shouldn't read books. It's a downer ending.
He's the chosen one, but it takes five books before they'll admit it.
He fights zombies and has difficulty pronouncing his girlfriend's name. Or was that just me?
The the Horned King attacks but some dude shows up and says his name, and he explodes. Can you say "anticlimax boss"?

A kid gets mad at his parents, so his cat talks to him and then they travel through time.
They meet Leonardo de Vinci who, despite being gay, invented tanks and planes and shit. The lesson here is that gay people can be cool. Just listen to his theme song!
That movie plays when you build Leonardo's Workshop in Civilization II, which makes you win the game automatically. However, I will admit that the Hoover Dam is slightly more hardcore.
That doesn't really have anything to do with the book though. My bad.

Towels.

Everyone has sex all the time. This is actually a bad thing, though, because it destroys all the significance of the...

...Wait, I almost said something serious. Good thing I stopped myself in time.
A guy reads Shakespeare, gets emo, then hangs himself in an artistic fashion. I believe the message here is obvious: Do not read Shakespeare.

THIS BOOK IS AWESOME
DOROTHY FALLS OFF A BOAT AND THEN A CHICKEN CAN TALK
THEN THERE ARE GUYS WITH WHEELS INSTEAD OF HANDS AND THERE ARE TREES THAT GROW LUNCHBOXES
AND THEN (Is Tik-Tok in this one? Let me look that up real quick...yeah, he is) THERE'S TIK-TOK AND HE BEATS PEOPLE UP AND DOESN'T AFRAID OF ANYTHING
Most importantly, there's THE NOME KING AND HE WILL WRECK YOUR SHIT
TURNIN PEOPLE INTO FIGURINES FOR THE HELL OF IT LIKE A PRO
AND THEY GOT A CARPET THAT GOES ACROSS THE DESERT AND A LADY WITH REPLACEABLE HEADS AND A WHISTLE IN THE SHAPE OF A PIG AND EGGS IS THE BEST WEAPON AND THERES A MAGIC BELT AND... (this continues for several hours)
My copy of the book is a big green collector's item and the pages shine as though they were made of gold. But that goes without saying.

Some really smart girl called Meg and her turbo autistic brother named Charles Wallace and some guy meet witches that can travel through the fifth dimension.
We learn that celebrities turn into actual stars when they die, and then everyone flies around on some winged horse faggot.
Then they go to Camazotz, which is the evilest place in the entire universe because everyone's forced to conform. Meaning, everyone has to be exactly identical in every way, or they get electricity shot into them. Well, that's one way to keep the crime rate down, I guess.
They have to eat food which tastes like sand, then Charles Wallace gets mind controlled, then they run away and get felt up by some blind cave monsters. Somehow this makes everybody feel better.
They go back and fight IT, which is a giant brain and therefore the best character by default.
But IT cannot understand love, so they escape with the autism kid.
Uh, the end, I guess...?

He's not really that great.
The author attempts to get me to care about the love lives of rich people, and fails.
There's some symbolism involving a giant pair of glasses.
Then someone gets run over by a car. zzzzzzzzzz
In the end, Gastby gets shot and dies and falls in the pool. They're going to need a lot more chlorine.

NUMBERS...NUMBERS!!!
THIS SHOULD NOT BE INTERESTING BUT I THINK IT IS!?!
WHAT'S GOING ON

An old dude pretends to die, then dicks around with his heirs for a while and makes them live in an apartment building.
A woman tries to blow herself up to get out of being married, and manages to make it look like someone else did it.
In the end, a girl wins a billion dollars and becomes a lawyer, or something. Also she kicks everyone.

An orphan who loves soda commercials learns how to hypnotize people, and spends most of the book having the time of her life.
I think something bad happens in it, but I forget what.
Later, she learns how to stop time. Okay, that's getting to be a bit much...

More furries, this time in a present-day setting- but the main character is a watchmaker. That's a job?
His name is Hermux Tantamoq which is an extremely hardcore name that I'm pretty sure was the result of moving some Scrabble letters around. Yeah, that's according to the author.
He sees some girl he likes and follows her around until she gets kidnapped, and then he rescues her and discovers the secret of eternal life. It's leaves.
It's close, but the best character is a tie between Dr. Mennus, who would like to point out that he is definitely not a villain and would you please ignore the giant mousetrap off in the corner, and Tucka Mertslin, an obnoxious rich lady (...mouse) who has the amazing ability to destroy everything she comes into contact with, all in the name of cosmetics.
Then Hermux Tantamoq cures blindness, which means he's probably Mouse Jesus.
Or was that Martin? It's hard to remember sometimes. I am that is and all that.

An Indian has some pretty cool nightmares.
Meanwhile, there are a bunch of people in a crazy house and they're watched over by an evil nurse and her evil black servants. HEY WAIT A MINUTE
Then a dude shows up and he's all "im the best" and the nurse takes his brain out. Then the Indian kills him and runs away. The end!

The government is all-seeing and all-knowing. That's more than my suspension of disbelief can handle.
It/they screw around with a guy for a while and fakes a revolutionary book and then the guy has a girlfriend and the chocolate and cigarettes are pretty crappy.
Eventually they throw him in prison and put rats on his head until he renounces everything. No word on whether any of them were named Cluny.
Then they brainwash him and shoot him just to make a point. Wow, Big Brother is a dick.
Yep, that's what the future's going to be like. So look out.

In the bad future no one can write correctly. They eat each other and kill each other and eat each other some more. Coke is the best thing in the world. I mean the drink. A father and his son walk around in the ash. The dad gets gayness cancer and dies. The son leaves with some other guy. This book sucks.

A guy finds a dragon, then rides it, which causes all the skin to be scraped off of his crotch.
I'm sure some more things happen after that but I can't seem to remember what they are at this time.

A family of former slaves is haunted by what may or may not be the ghost of an infant, who's bitter because her mom cut her throat when she was one, and then described the blood flowing out in about fifty different artistic ways.
Then a guy has sex with the ghost. Uh
There's a chapter of the ghost describing what is probably the slave ship that took them to America, which never actually happened to her.
Also the ghost sucks at writing. ZOMBIE GOASTS LEAVE THIS PLACE
The mom goes crazy again and tries to cut more people, but is stopped and then there's a happy ending! I think!

This is like, communist Russia or something, but everyone's a farm animal, because why not.
Using this technique, George Orwell tricked teachers into showing a cartoon version of this to their students. That sneaky bastard.
You know, grade-schoolers don't care about politics or who's more equal than who!
Also the horse gets sent to the glue factory. NOOOOOOOOO
Oh well. At least we get some glue out of it.
What does the glue symbolize, again?

Hershel is a professional hobo who specializes in tricking retarded people, and in this case, retarded supernatural beings.
Hershel's all "HEY BROS YOUR COOL GIMME SOME FOOD OKAY"
But the villagers are like "no we are poor and also there is a curse"
So Hershel goes "I AINT AFRAID OF NO GHOSTS" and goes to the haunted synagogue. (Note: "Synagogue" is Jewish for "a guy choking".)
There are goblins and they're super strong. But Hershel does not care and he crushes rocks with his bare hands and the goblins all kill themselves out of fright. Then Hershel shouts SHANAH TOVAH and flies away. Told you he was a professional.

Commander Samuel Vimes is infected by an evil mind control dwarf curse which forces people to kill everyone and then themselves.
He places the curse under arrest. Commander Vimes is the most hardcore person ever.

There are, like three of them, see? And one's the fat kid.
They investigate a haunted house which shoots fear at them.
Some dude with a machete was behind it, whatever it was. And also there were parrots.
Yeah, I don't remember these books too well.
Oh! But they came up with an elaborate and dorky code to describe when they were meeting!
And his mom would go "OH U AND YOUR CODE" and the kid would be all "LOL MOM WE TRICK U"
...Yeah I'll stop

It's present day Britain again I think, and humans force demons to do stuff for them.
The demons fight back whenever possible, which of course means they are super evil. Sigh
This book has two characters in it:
-Bartimaeus: Best person ever, he explains. Well, he's a demon, not a person, but you get the idea. He shapeshifts and is awesome.
-Nathaniel: STUPID WHINY FUCKER
I get to a chapter with NATHANIEL up at the top of the page and I go OH NOT THIS BITCH AGAIN
HALF THE BOOK IS FROM THIS FAGQUEER'S PERSPECTIVE
Am I supposed to sympathize with the kid!? BECAUSE NO
Humans suck, as always. Oh yeah also the book's pretty good

BASEBALL IS LIFE
Uh-huh. Sure.
Why not bowling, or something? I mean, baseball? Really?
Well, it is America's favorite pastime! Besides football and getting fat, of course.
So they fight the Devil in baseball and predictably hit a home run with the Master Bat.
At least it's more interesting than it sounds.

The single greatest book ever written.
Ms. Frizzle's teaching her class about the human body! Fortunately for everyone, it's not a Sex Ed. class.
"This should interest you, Arnold!" she exclaims. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN
...Uh Arnold you're looking too much like me in this book please cut it out
BUT ANYWAY they do an exiting experiment with toothpicks and scraping! HOORAY
BRAIN CELLS HELP YOU THINK
WE'RE ALL MADE OF CELLS
So they get in the bus and drive to the museum. OH COME ON I WENT FOR A LONG-ASS TIME WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT BLAZBLUE AND NOW YOU GIVE ME A MUSEUM
So they stop for lunch and then everyone runs back on the bus in an attempt to ditch Arnold. Haha punk'd
BUT THEN THE BUS RANDOMLY FLIES INTO ARNOLD'S MOUTH JESUS CHRIST
THERE'S NO WAY THAT'S SANITARY
"I thought we were going to the museum", complains one student. Uh, you know, I kinda think this is more interesting than a museum...but maybe because this subject interests me a little bit. Hey wait a minute
WHEE PERISTALSIS
Aww they don't use that word in the book. That's like, my favorite word! It would make a great name for an attack!
...Don't look at me like that
Then they fall into the stomach. Whee acid
"Roll up your windows, children!" Oh god
Meanwhile, Arnold's feeling kinda sick. GEE I WONDER WHY
Even a random bird stops to say "Poor kid!" THAT'S HOW GAY ARNOLD'S LIFE IS
Ooh, the intestines are 7.5 meters long! COOL
So they drive into a villi and are in the bloodstream. Red blood cells are pretty!
LIFESAVERS WHEE
A white blood cell almost eats them, so they jump out of the bus and swim away. I'm too tired right now to see the problem in that statement!
Meanwhile the bird is telling Arnold, and I quote, "DON'T PANIC"
THERE'S NO PUNCTUATION ON THE END OF THAT PHRASE
IT MAKES ME WANT TO PANIC
So they go through the heart and the lungs and jump out at the brain and start climbing around on it. Nope, still too tired to argue with that!
Then they climb down the spinal cord OKAY I BELIEVE WE HAVE A PROBLEM
THE SPINE IS NOT A FUCKING LADDER
YOU CANNOT CLIMB IT IN ANY DIRECTION
So then they slide down a muscle and re-enter the bloodstream somehow.
Luckily, the bus randomly drifts by. Reminds me of Final Fantasy 8.
So they get sneezed out and have a tearful reunion with Arnold or something!
Somehow, the kids never figured out that they were inside Arnold's body.
And that bird's still following him around. Maybe it's his demon familiar.
So they draw a big picture of the human body to celebrate! WHEEE
"Kidneys? Liver? I guess we didn't have time to go there."
"Thank goodness."
HEY FUCK YOU THE LIVER IS AWESOME
IT MAKES BILE AND EVERYTHING
And finally the book is over. Aww
But on the upside, there's a picture on the wall entitled "Red Blood Cells Are Cute!" Yaaaay
Hee hee hee


zzzzz

I like how the one about a Magic School bus got the longest explanation.