A Brief History of the World by TLS

(Please excuse any typos this was done on a wireless keyboard with infamous sucking capabilities.)

Well God was kicking back one day looking at his facebook page when he realized why he didn't have any friends, cause there wasn't any other living things in the world.

So god decided to create some human beings so that somebody would follow him on twitter.

So the first guy he made was named Adam, but he started getting wanker's cramp due to lack of women so god through him a metaphysical bone and decided to make women.

And he named the first woman eve and these two were the basis for every poorly written end of the world fanfic ever.

So anyway some years past and adam and eve had two ungrateful bastard children who refused to do anything productive other then kill eachother.

So then some more years past and some people in Egypt decided to play some children's card games.

These Egyptians became so good at children's card games that they decided to base there entire world economy, ancient magics and fate of entire kingdoms on a children's card game....

Wait no that would be retarded.

So anyway Genghis Khan who was badass got killed invading Afghanistahn

So anyway some Greek guys decided it would be a good idea to have free elections and so they did and they decided these elections with beans.

You heard that right, the Greeks voted with those little flatulant bastards.

So anyway it eventually became a problem that people put to many beans in one thing or another so this guy named Socrates decided to unite the world in hating him through Zero Requiem...

No wait that would be retarded.

So this guy named Socrates decided to become awesome and he did.

Then the King of Persia (No relation to the Prince...except that emo tool from the second game, that guy was a prick.) so yeah the King of Persia was sad cause he had a small peen and this being in the days before the internet decided to make himself feel better by IRL Trolling Sparta.

And he got kicked into a bottomless pit and it was awesome.

So then the Chinese decided to Ban Japan IRL Forever but they failed cause Ninjas and as such they inspired every racially charged anime ever because the japanese hate all those damn chinks

So anyway then the British Empire invades Afghnistahn but dies.

And then the Americans are all I WILL DESTROY BRITTANIA.

This time it actually happened.

Anyway so then Ben Franklin who was better then everyone else was all "Fire Departments, Post Office, Glass Harmonica, Lightning Rods, An English Language which GOD DAMN MAKES SENSE, Freedom of Speech, Bitch."

Oh and sex, he had a lot of that too.

So anyway they won independence or some shit cause George Washington swam across freezing rivers and stuff.

OR DID THEY

No they did...but they also opressed Blacks and Indians cause well...the white man is a bastard >:O

But then a badass named Abe Lincoln was all "Freedom" and the blacks were like "yaaaaaaaaay" and then the indians were like "yay?" but then the congress were like "lolno, get back in the teepee."

And then Russel Crow became a Samurai.

No wait that would be retarded.

And then some French Duce died and everyone was like "A HELL NAH" and then we had a World War.

So then The Stock Market Crashed and the world was like FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-

So then everyone was poor.

And then some crazy German bastards decided to genocide the jews and the jews were all "shit man we just went through this with the romans."

and then the Germans were all "Alright you can go."

And then the Jews were all "Really?"

And then the Germans were like "No."

And then they died.

So then the Germans decided to make Europe his bitch, and they did.

Then Italy was all "Waaaaaaaaaaaaah" and the Germans were all "Daaaaaw" and they made Italy their Intern.

And then Japan wanted to get in on the sucking of German Sausage so they bombed America and then Michael Bay made that terrible movie.

So then the president who was Rosevelt who was badass decided to slap a hoe so they teamed up with Russia and they gangbanged Germany and the world was saved.

Oh and Japan got NUKED. LIKE. A. BITCH.

But then they started producing all the best things in the world and making every american teenager for the next centuary want to be a jap.

Ironically it seems like every American Teenager wants to be Japanese and every Japanese Teenager wants to be American however, the only thing American Teenagers actually know about Japan is fuggin' Gundam, and the only thing Japanese Teenagers know about America is Rebel Without a Cause and other such 50's-60's Teenage Rebellion Movies.

Shit I think I just got distracted where was I oh yeah Japan got nuked.

So anyway then the Russians went bug-fuck insane and decided to become dicks, and then America had a Cold War with them and nothing besides a ton of Commie hate even came from it so this is generally considered the most retarded story arc of human history.

So then Big Boss and Eva decided to find the Philospher's Legacy.

No wait that would be retarded.

So anyway then this total badass named John Kennady was elected president and he had lightsaber duels with this prick named Hoover who was a giant flaming corssdressing homosxual which wouldn't be a bad thing if he wasn't also a fucking hypocrite.

So anyway then there was this thing called the bay of pigs, which was retarded.

Then there was a Cuban Missile Crisis, which was also retarded.

Then Kennady was killed and caused a million conspiricy theorists to have wet dreams.

Then Martin Luther King was badass and saved the world by dreaming.

I wish I could do that the only thing that happens when I dream is that I sometimes predict the future or kill someone with my mind... >_>

I mean...uh...

And then Nixon who was a criminal decided to hire the comedian to...

Wait no that would be retarded.

So then Richard Nixon decided to skull fuck justice and hired Cuban Nationals to rob his politcal opponents.

This caused to journalists to go on a quest to find the holy greil....er uh....reach out to the truth.

So then Nixon had an interview with an Aussie Pimp and stuff happaned.

And then the 70's came and went and inspired the best sitcom ever.

And then a Cowboy Actor decided to pay people to fight the Russians from before.

It went something like...

Osama: Mr. Reagen, give us training and guns, we won't misuse it we promise
Reagen: k'

And then the USSR died invading Afghanistahn.

And then Bill Gates crapped out a thing called Microsoft and mankind flourished ever since.

Oh and some tools deicded Chcuk Norris was a cool meme.

Then Captain Falcon pitied their souls.

and then Florida stole the 2000 election ballets cause Florida SUCKS.

So that's how we elected a retarded monkey to be president...FOR TWO GOD DAMN TERMS!

And then Anime came to America and the world prospered.

Or not.

So then some douches crashed a plane into a building, killing thousands of people and giving retards something to shout while discriminating against arabs.

And then we went to war cause the retarded monkey had a hard on for Texas Tea and frankly America didn't have enough oil to sate his lust.

So they went to war, killing thousands of patriotic young men and women who wanted to defend their country for the simple reason that the President had an oil fetish.

So then a bunch of natural disasters happaned and everyone started acting like a retard and then the world exploded.

But then Steve Jobs crapped out a thing called Iphone and humanity has prospered ever since.

Oh and then we elected a black president who the republicans wanted to hang and the democrats thought was jesus.

Both sides are retarded.

Then Congress decided to choke fuck librity for the lolz.

And they did.

Then America decided to invade Afghanistahn not learning from the lessons of Genghis Khan, the British Empire and the USSR.

Cause they're retards.

Oh and Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged.

Can't forget that.

~The End~

Lulz nice story, liked the picture at the end

Breif?

Rocket Grunt Stiggs wrote:Breif?

Touche'

I laughed, I cried, I committed suicide, and I had sex with Tres. Good read.

I laughed a fair bit. I also died a little on the inside.

Rival Kiryn wrote:I laughed a fair bit. I also died a little on the inside.

That perfectly describes my feelings writing it.