Understanding BlazBlue's Storyline and Other Things No One Should Attempt

CALAMITY TRIGGER

Okay what the hell does that mean
...OH I get it
It's funny because GUNS

Anyways a bunch of scientists are in a sciency-looking room saying sciency-sounding things.
This is all very boring and takes about a half hour

They are looking at a hole in the ground, which is like the gate of something I dunno really.
They use a lot of words like "Azure" and "seithr" but none of it makes sense of course, even to someone who's beaten most of the story (me)

...Goddamn it are they still talking? Arrrgh

But then the gate opens and time freezes.
You can tell because everything starts turning black and white.
Maybe Timeless River is on the other side or something

Then some level of something goes off the scale and the red lights go off. Red lights mean bad

These scientists are really great.
"I want to see what's behind that gate," Head Scientist With the Glasses says.
Well guess what Einstein you destroyed the world

Someone shouts that "ITS GOING INTO ORBIT".
Cut to space, where a satellite that appears to have no connection to any of that stuff from before floats up while scary music plays.

It opens and a cool-looking black beast sort of thing gets mad and spits a laser which destroys everything (?)

Then someone that may or may not be v13 is standing by a crater.
Why is there a crater
Did the laser destroy everything or just some things or what
WHAT HAPPENED
Oh yeah and WHY IS V13 THERE FOR NO REASON

Okay now I'm confused enough to start the actual story, which never refers back to that cutscene ever again.

Great storyline guys 5/5 would see again

Ragna starts by explaining that he hates everything. Okay good to know
So that's why he cuts his wrist to do Blood Kain

Anyways, when the story actually starts, Toon Young Ragna is being a lazy bastard and complaining about nuns. No wonder they call him the Grim Reaper

THEN THERE WAS AN EXPLOSION
Baby Ragna IMMEDIATELY throws away his bucket of water and rushes to the burning church
Wait hold on

BUT THERE'S NO TIME FOR COMMON SENSE
RAGNA MUST SAVE HIS HALF-DEAD SISTER FROM THE FIRE
So he does
Then he yells "Shit" for the first of many times.
Hey you are a kid
That's some foul language you're using, young man. Do you want to get sent to bed early?

Then his brother Young Jin shows up (from inside the burning church??) and starts laughing.
Also we get a cool picture of his face which I could not find.
But it is really weird and it makes Ragna say HUH in a very loud voice

It's all your fault, Brother...

That's true because he threw his bucket of water away. Shame on you, Ragna

Then Jin (probably!?!??) cuts Ragna's arm off.
Ragna thinks about this for a while
Then he goes "Oh yeah pain. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
Hey get over it man it's just a flesh wound

Then Hazama an unknown person laughs at Ragna for about twenty minutes and then kills an old lady.
That sounds terrible but his incredible voice instantly makes him the best character in the game anyway.
Hey look on the bright side Ragna, now you can cash in on Grandma's life insurance

Ironically Hazama the cool guy asks "DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE GOING TO KICK THE BUCKET ALREADY??"
He already did, Hazama. He already did...

Hazama leaves with Ragna's dead sister, presumably to clone her a bunch of times and make robots out of her. You know, for combat
That's the best use for young girls with cancer all right
And Jin follows Hazama offstage apparently. He is an idiot

Infant Ragna passes out.
He wakes up and can't move, obviously because he's a pussy
Come on just barrier burst or something
Then he yells SHIT a lot of times. Hey I think I'm detecting a theme

Catbread the Elf wrote:Then Hazama an unknown person laughs at Ragna for about twenty minutes and then kills an old lady.
That sounds terrible but his HAT instantly makes him the best character in the game anyway.

I think yes.

BUT IT WAS ALL A DREAM
Ragna wakes up and immediately leaps to his feet, fully clothed of course
That's how hardcore people sleep obviously
Maybe he was sleeping standing up. Oh man that's gnarly
Then he says "Shit" some more for the hell of it

Turns out a vampire was watching him sleep. It's like if Twilight was a fighting game
This is Rachel, who is obviously the best character in the game.
Ragna calls her a rabbit because the ribbons in her hair kinda make her look like a rabbit?
I guess?
Well I don't get it

Rachel and her posse (Nago the gay cat umbrella and Gii the flying water balloon) mock the hell out of him for a while.
See what I did there I said "hell" ohohohoho

You are always very, very entertaining.

Says Rachel, referring to Ragna's wacky antics.
Go fight hundreds of 'em online. Then we can talk

Ragna responds by calling her a vampire, as though it were an insult.
Rachel responds to that by shooting a giant laser at him for no reason.
Uh Ragna I think you're seriously outmatched here you should definitely not try to fight her

Ragna immediately tries fighting her. Oh what the hell Ragna

Apparently Ragna "wins".
To no one's surprise except Ragna's, Rachel is like "look at how hard I don't care"

Here it is mentioned that Ragna is a wanted criminal with the highest bounty on record.
And out of all the characters in the game, only one is actually after him for the reward, and she can barely walk in a straight line. So this isn't actually an issue

At this point Valkinhayn Valkenhaeyn Valkenhine Valkenhayn, Rachel's incredibly pimp butler and also the best character in the game, teleports in.
Ragna calls him "some old fart in a tux".
Hahaha

He joins Rachel's Hardcore Crew in a healthy round of Ragna-bashing.
Then Rachel beats up Nago and Gii (this happens every five seconds).
Then Valkenhayn describes Rachel's breakfast in extreme detail.
Ragna angrily stares at them the entire time. You could just leave or something you know

Then the Super Vampire Squadron teleports away and Ragna shouts at them to never come back, as if he thinks he has the power to make them do or not do something (he does not).

Ragna whines for a bit because he is emo, until he realizes that he can't be a true emo without Facebook.

Nobody here to listen to my bitchin'...just gets swallowed up by the darkness.

Uh Ragna you're standing outside in a brightly lit area

Then he shouts "Goddammit" for no reason. We get it Ragna you like cussing

He walks until he can see his destination: KAGUTSUCHI, THE BIG APPLE
Actually Ragna I think the monorail you were on just a second ago leads directly into the city you didn't have to get off and walk
Well then he wouldn't be able to pose on a hill for the opening sequence, in which he poses on a hill. So okay
I'm not hardcore like Ragna y'see I obviously have much to learn

Fucking hilarious.

Good work capturing how "hardcore" Ragna is.

Wow this is an amazing mutilation of an already not making sense story.

5 stars. Lovin this shit

"These Hierarchical Cities are all built pretty much the same," says Ragna, as he looks at a freakish eyeball monster coming out of the sewer wall. Uh

He's infiltrating the city through the sewers, probably to avoid NOL guards or something. Later, we learn that everyone in the NOL is hideously incompetent and this isn't necessary

Usually the only thing you find on the bottom levels is crap, literally...

Hahaha oh Ragna you're killing me here
He is clearly the master of comedy

He sees a spoooky shadow drift across the floor.
Then he complains about ghosts for a while.
Wow Ragna what do you have against ghosts
He describes how hard it is to fight ghosts. Okay why are you fighting ghosts anyway
Are you a Ghostbuster?
Why do they even have ghosts
This is only the future it's not like Hogwarts or something

Doesn't feel like a ghost...

HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT GHOSTS

You're harnessing power from the Boundary, aren't you?

Okay you can go back to talking about ghosts
Ragna is one of those people who knows a lot of important things about the story that no one playing will ever figure out.
Oh boy

Another one of those people is Arakune, who is the ghost.
He is also like a living pile of bugs or something, making him the best character in the game automatically.
He immediately does his favorite thing: run up to people and make funny noises
In this case, Ragna.

You've completely lost it...

How can you even tell that's a person
Oh yeah magic arm sensors or something. Never mind

Arakune wants "the Azure".
Ragna has it apparently, and I'm pretty sure I can figure out what it is by the end of the storyline. But we'll see
So Arakune jumps Ragna but gets beaten up. Better luck next time loop

As Ragna says that he's going to let Arakune go in peace, "some chick" (as Ragna puts it) runs forward to protect him.
Protect him from what
Ragna was just letting him go oh never mind
This is Litchi Faye-Ling, and she is retarded. More on this subject later

Ragna's spider-sense apparently detects something from her.
He gets "this feeling".
Yes Ragna I'm sure being near Litchi gives you "that feeling" but that doesn't mean you have to tell us about it

What the hell is up with this town?

I DON'T KNOW, YOU TELL ME

Whatever
This is where I get a choice, which changes the ending and stuff
Today I am emo Ragna so I pick "You are boring goodbye"

Tch, you just spoiled the mood.

Don't worry you can always have sex with her later


...what?

Several hours later, Ragna reaches oh never mind he's not there yet
He's just complaining about how dark it is.
Ironically his complaint is swallowed up by the darkness

The fog is thick as hell...

Does everything you do really have to be hell-related

Wait false alarm. Ragna says he's not complaining. Well uh okay
Apparently the night is convenient for him because EVERYONE DROPS THEIR GUARD AT NIGHT

EVERYONE

What about guards? Their whole job is to
Actually I'll just let Ragna handle this

Suddenly he gets all thoughtful and reflects on his quest to destroy all the branches of the Library. Why do you hate books Ragna they never did anything to you
...Okay that's a really lazy joke. I feel bad about it now
Won't happen again

Anyways since he's a justice hero the moon gets really bright and meaningful music plays. No wonder they call him the Grim Reaper

Also he remembers that Jin used to be afraid of the moon. Oh god lol

But then he realizes that memories are for faggots, and to make up for it, cusses a lot and kicks a rock AS HARD AS HE POSSIBLY CAN
I bet he rapid canceled out of that kick, too

Then Ragna reaches the NOL facility, looks at the door, and declares:

It's a big steel piece of shit

This is his best line in the entire game

Anyways he glares at the door and it explodes.
Then he realizes there are no guards that have let their guards down inside.
To make absolutely sure there's no one around for him to kill, he shouts really loud.

Excuse me!
Pizza delivery here!

I can't believe I've been proven wrong so soon
Ragna is the best character in the game

Once he's inside, though, his heart starts beating a mile a GODDAMN minute.
So he enters the next room like a pro: By leaping through the door, yelling and swinging his sword around randomly. Just like how he wins fights

Turns out his heart-senses were accurate. BECAUSE JIN WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR AND HE'S GOT A SWORD OH SNAP

Is that how you greet people? Boy, you never change, do you...?

So when he was a kid, he was always yelling and attacking people with a sword?
I believe it

Then Ragna and Jin have a semi-normal conversation lasting for a few minutes.
...While their swords are pressed up against each other.
And Ragna is shouting 30% of everything he says
And Jin is deranged for 100% of everything he says and also 20% gay

Eventually they decide to fight each other.
Ragna's family sucks. Everyone in it is dead or trying to kill him
Or Noel. Which is also bad

I'll be happy to kill you again!

You didn't kill him the first time
Wait maybe he did
I don't know
SHIT
GODDAMN THIS STORYLINE

HRRGH EPIC FIGHT well not really because I wasn't actually trying and the difficulty is on normal so it was mostly the both of us jabbing at the air for like twenty minutes
SPOILER: Ragna wins

But Ragna is not going to kill Jin because he is only looking for information. I guess when he was yelling JIN DIE ALREADY he was just bluffing

All Jin does is accuse Ragna of being too soft.
His body's all soft. See? See?

So Ragna kicks him in the face and goes "lol you are scared of the moon", then leaves. lol indeed

But once he's away from Jin, he comes down with a bad case of emotions.
I can tell because he says "shit" three times and "goddamn" once

Awesome, keep it up.

I feel like I've been here before.

Get it because time loop

Ragna is getting close to his death-tination (oh man did you see that one I am the greatest).
Unfortunately he has just arrived at Hakumen's Brown Hole.
Turns out Hakumen is there. Whoa what a surprise

Looking at Hakumen makes Ragna afraid. This is probably because Hakumen killed the Black Beast, and since Ragna is about to become the Black Beast, the fear echoes into the future and you know what? Fuck it this makes zero sense

Also: It takes Ragna a while to remember what fear feels like.
This means he is either never afraid of anything or mentally handicapped.
I dunno. Could go either way, really

Then Ragna gets "that feeling" again. Oh god no

It's...almost like deja vu, but...weirder...

Oh no
I was right about Ragna's fear wasn't I
Son of a bitch

Hakumen appears to be having fun, though. "lol u scared" he says

Then they use their conversational fighting styles on each other for a while. Goes something like this:
SHIT
I am the greatest

I noticed something interesting about Hakumen's dialogue for this part.
If you leave out his obnoxious speech, he sounds pretty cool.
I'm scared

Of course he didn't leave out his obnoxious speech, and I shouted at the TV.

I AM THE WHITE VOID
Goddamn it shut the hell up
I AM HAKUMEN
WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE, HAKUMEN

I'm pretty sure "Goddamn it shut the hell up" is a direct Ragna quote, too. Uh oh now I'm a vampire

But in any case, they fight and Ragna wins.
Since it's Hakumen, though, he ignores this completely and wins anyway.
Now, you could argue that this is "Ragna surviving against Hakumen just long enough" and still justified. But that's gay

Fortunately Hakumen is teleported away by GRIMALKIN, leaving Ragna free to destroy the world. So that's good

Although it's funny how, when he teleports, Ragna checks to see if it's Rachel's fault.
Exactly how long has she been screwing with him

Then there's an earthquake and the Brown Hole opens in an extremely boring cutscene that I can't even remember because of how boring it is. And I just watched it a second ago.

Then there's like a bunch of glowing stuff and a fire pit or something.
Ragna carefully makes sure that no enemies are around, then steps forward and gets shot in the face a hundred times by Shadow Noel.

In response, Ragna calls her a bastard. Uh actually Ragna I don't think that's how it works

Shadow Noel gropes Ragna, and he loses all his power instantly. Makes sense
Then they both fall into the fire pit or whatever it is.
Also Jin wants to be popular so he jumps in after them.
He calls her a bastard, too. Are you sure that's the right word

Then the world is destroyed for some reason while Rachel goes "You suck Ragna".
Then a voice labeled "System" says that the city was destroyed.
Okay so which is it, the city or the whole world
ALSO, what's with

ugh

never mind

This is the TRUE ENDING for Ragna's story. And the only difference between the true one and the not true ones is I have no idea

I know there are bonus endings and other things that you can get by winning with Distortion Drives but that's stupid
Maybe later

Thinking about all that has made me exhausted
Shit
Goddamn

Very nice and very funny.

First of all thanks everyone for the support etc

Secondly if you thought I was going to stop analyzing Ragna's story when I got to the true ending, you were mistaken.
I WILL MASTER ALL OF IT
Actually it's much more likely that I'll give up. Well then, let's see how far I can get before that happens

That true ending sucked so I'm going to go find a better one.

Let's time loop back to the part where Litchi is defending Arakune from Ragna's complete lack of aggression.
Only this time I will choose "change mind suddenly and try to kill Arakune because come on Litchi stop sucking".

Suddenly Ragna becomes a HERO OF JUSTICE
That THING is VERY DANGEROUS and MUST BE DESTROYED and I will KILL you if I have TO, he says.
He also says that Arakune can no longer be saved from whatever it is that turned him into a pile of bugs. This is because Ragna is a science professor and knows everything

Of course Litchi will not be turned from her hopeless quest for any reason, because this is the only plot point she has going for her, really.

Since she actually is a science professor, she fires back by calling Ragna an idiot for having a magic arm or something.
This makes Ragna angry. But so does everything so w/e

You should choose your words wisely...

Uh Ragna you know you can't threaten someone you've already threatened to kill, right

In the end, Ragna gives up and decides not to attack Litchi.
This actually surprised me at first
Then I realized: Litchi's breasts
Well okay makes sense now

Litchi says that he's a lot nicer than she thought. Since Ragna is hardcore, this is unacceptable, and he scowls angrily and runs away.

I've seen what happens to people that thing eats many times...

You HAVE?
WHEN
Were they in the same fraternity at college or something

I can't forget the eyes of the chick...
I'm no match for those eyes...
They just make me feel...uncomfortable.

Are you sure you're talking about her eyes

Ragna is "so busy thinkin' about Litchi's breasts shit" that he walks directly into the business district, which is filled with people.
He then thinks "Oh yeah I am a fugitive maybe being around lots of people isn't such a good idea"
Remember, this is the most wanted man in the world we're dealing with

But it turns out no one cares about him. Ragna is surprised and probably a little disappointed

Then this happens:

Hey, white-haired guy over there who looks kinda stupid!
Wait!
I don't see any other stupid looking guys with bleach-white hair, who probably don't do well with the ladies.

As if Rachel's Crew wasn't bad enough
This is already a lot worse for Ragna then the other storyline. At least Jin didn't assault Ragna's masculinity

This is Taokaka, and she demands that Ragna feed her.
Why?
Obviously, because Rachel told her to ask him.
Yep Rachel screws with him all the time
I knew it

It's worth pointing out that "stupid looking white-haired guy" was Rachel's description.
Tao came up with the rest on her own, apparently

Anyway, she whines at him until Ragna gives up and decides to buy her food.
Her voice is so annoying that he gives up almost instantly. That's pretty bad

He tries to get out of it by suggesting that they fight, and the loser pays for the food.
Unfortunately he did not know that Tao is a bloodthirsty maniac who can shoot giant knives out of her hands.

So she immediately accepts the challenge and explains that she wants to beat up as many people as possible. Then she attacks him while he's confused.
I guess that's almost like a strategy

He still beats her up though.
Wow Ragna, beating up a kid just to get some food
I thought you were supposed to be a good guy what's with this

...oh wait, she attacked him. Just to get some food.
Never mind

While they're eating, Tao reveals that she's trying to collect the bounty on Ragna's head.
Also she's somehow able to pronounce his name wrong in two completely different ways

Fortunately the wanted poster she has was printed by Desians apparently, and depicts a hideous abomination.
And it also doesn't look anything like Ragna.
He runs away though just in case.

Apparently Tao actually did have enough money to cover the bill.
Kind of odd for someone who learned what money is two days ago
More likely she didn't have any money and just left once Ragna was offscreen

Even those...things are after me now?

Hey, Ragna?
Do the words LARGEST BOUNTY IN HUMAN HISTORY mean anything to you

This is amazing stuff

Ragna flees directly into Bang territory.
So far, this is probably the worst day of his life

I hear some jackass yelling behind me.

Oh lol

Bang leaps out and immediately begins describing how amazing he is.
Of course everything he's saying is 100% accurate. This is because he's the best character in the game.

Ragna is not impressed for some reason.

Geez, there should be a limit to how annoying someone can be.

Taokaka

Then Bang heroically attacks the villain Ragna!
Then he demands that Ragna surrender.
Bang might have the order of those confused

But it doesn't matter because Ragna beats him up.
Then he decides it's best as if he pretends that nothing happened, so he hurries away, shaking the blood off of his sword.

First of all, I don't know if you can get blood off of things that easily
Secondly, why don't you just lick it off? It'd be a lot less wasteful

Then for some reason he arrives at Hakumen's Brown Hole.

I feel like I've been here before.

Get it because time loop

Ragna is getting close to his death-tination (oh man did you see that one I am the greatest).
Unfortunately he has just arrived at Hakumen's Brown Hole.
Turns out Hakumen is there. Whoa what a surprise

Looking at Hakumen makes Ragna afraid. This is probably because Hakumen killed the Black Beast, and since Ragna is about to

HEY WAIT A MINUTE

Yep this is exactly the same as when he meets Hakumen in the other storyline.

So I beat him up again and he shrugs it off

You can never defeat me.

Actually I did twice now
Oh wait I was disqualified both times on the grounds that I was fighting Hakumen
Never mind

Hakumen prepares to kill Ragna, who closes his eyes or something because he's really hardcore.
Ragna observes that since true swordsmen can cut their enemies so that they can't even feel it, Hakumen must have reached this level of skill, because he couldn't feel himself getting hit with a killing blow.

Or maybe HE DIDN'T HIT YOU
Two for flinching, Ragna

When Ragna stops being a pussy, he opens his eyes and sees that Jubei has saved him.
Hakumen is so angry that he completely forgets to yell at GRIMALKIN when she interrupts him. Wow

Ragna immediately tries being angry at Jubei.
This is a mistake because Jubei is the strongest creature on Earth. Why must you be this stupid Ragna
So Jubei hits him a bunch of times. Since, being a cat, he's pretty short, this would have looked pretty funny

After the beating, Jubei says that Ragna is getting all worked up and losing sight of what's really important.
Ragna responds by getting all worked up. Oh u

You all just love to lecture me, huh!?

Yes all two of them

God, first the rabbit and now you...
Why do all you guys harass me!?

Oh what the hell I was just joking
He WAS only talking about those two
He sounds like he's about to cry. No wonder they call him the Grim Reaper

Then Jubei says some cryptic stuff which I guess calms him down. Of course it's even more confusing than regular confusing dialogue so even Ragna is annoyed

Then suddenly he's back in the restaurant with Tao. What
I guess Jubei dragged him there.
Possibly as a form of punishment, because while Tao is describing how great the meat is, the look on Ragna's face suggests he's being heavily tortured. Ha

...What the hell am I doing here?

I guess Jubei knocked him out first

Now that I think about it, Tao probably never left the restaurant and has been there all day. There is a pretty big stack of bowls there in the background
Ragna is still mad at the entire world, so he yells at her for eating too much.

Shut up, good guy!
Food is meant to be enjoyed, peacefully.
Dammit, I don't need you lecturing me, too!

Next he's going to think the waiter is lecturing him
And then he's going to think his food is lecturing him

Note: "Peacefully" is not a word I would use to describe Tao's method of eating. There is usually a lot of yelling involved

So Ragna angrily declares that he's going to eat as much food as he possibly can.
Then he orders more food in a really angry and hardcore way. You know because Ragna

After a while Ragna actually starts feeling better. Out of everything that's happened in his story, this is the most unbelievable.
So they both start gushing about how great free food is.
Of course, that means

So, uh, this bill...who's payin' it?
The cat person told me you would pay.

This is final proof that the world hates Ragna.
Even his mentor, who's pretty much the only person in the world who doesn't want him dead, is screwing with him

So they run for it. Well, Ragna does, anyway.

If you don't wanna eat crap everyday for lunch, run!
Even if it's crap, food is food!

Uh

On their way out, some bounty hunters realize that Ragna kinda looks like his hideous wanted poster.
Ragna stops running to get mad at them.
Goddamnit Ragna do you ever stop being retarded
Shit

That's the end of this storyline. Yep it was pretty much the worst day imaginable
He might be angry at the whole world all the time, but at least he has a good reason for it.

Also I think the world gets destroyed anyway at the end of this one.
I can't be sure though because fffffffffffff BlazBlue storyline

There's...nothing.

Yes Jin there isn't anything on the screen I can see that
What, is this so blind people can get confused by the storyline, too?

Jin explains that he joined the Mafia when he was a kid, and quickly became the best Mafia kid ever. He did all this while half-asleep.

This meant that everyone hated him while he was growing up.
He was able to handle it by not giving a flying fuck

Also he looks at his hand a lot. What

Then he explains how he killed a bunch of people and became the head of the military or something and went down in history as a great hero.
He did all this while half-asleep. Okay so far, Jin is the best character in the game

Then he heard that Ragna had appeared in Kagutsuchi.
Jin arrived there about ten seconds later, and the first thing he did was to say how crappy the city was. This is going to be good

Since all the main characters are gods, Jin instinctively knows that he is being watched. This pisses him off
The anger runs strong in your bloodline indeed

Bang and his crew surround Jin, and Bang yells at him for a while.
Jin is just trying to remember what those "ninja" things are.
Those are the guys with balloons, right?

In any case, Jin explains that he was just passing through.
This infuriates Bang, who dramatically exclaims "that was the last straw!"
As if they were going to surround him and shout at him for a while, then not attack

WORTHLESS TRASH

I'm going to make a note of it any time Jin insults someone in his special way.
Although he mutters everything he says under his breath so putting it in all caps is not accurate. That makes it look cooler though so w/e

So Jin beats up Bang.

For everyone's sake...I cannot be defeated here...

YOU JUST LOST
Jin says the same thing, actually.
His voice is starting to get a little bit crazy, too.

Which is probably why I get a choice here between "Get bored and leave" or "Get crazy and kill everyone".
I pick the more likely option first

As Jin leaves, Bang's men damn him for all eternity.

Can't you come up with something more...creative?

Spoiler:

I finally got rid of them...they were like maggots on a carcass.

We don't care about your eating habits Jin just keep walking

Jin thinks to himself that he's running out of time, because the NOL has probably sent agents after Ragna and he has to find him before they do.

Technically, he's right. Very, very technically.
Of course Noel is more likely to fall off the airship dock than accomplish anything

While Jin is daydreaming, he practically walks straight into Carl Clover, who is all "Wow it's the hero!"
Jin greets him the way he does all his admirers.

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU

Even in the face of Jackass Jin, Carl is as polite as humanly possible.
He points out that if Jin were to kill Ragna before he gets to him, it would be a "terrible inconvenience".
So Jin calls Carl a wannabe, and he instantly flies into a berserk rage.

Jin doesn't care, and beats him up. Oh come on that actually was intimidating
Carl calls Jin a "cadet".
I think this is Carl not being polite to someone
The strain of attempting such a thing causes him to pass out of course. So Jin bravely forges ahead

He reaches the NOL facility and discovers that no one is there.
He immediately becomes a detective and searches the entire building for clues.
AND HE FINDS ONE!! Kind of

He senses someone with his incredible main character sensing powers.
THIS MUST BE RAGNA he triumphantly thinks to himself.

MAJOR KISARAGI!!

You can almost see the rage shooting out of him

Noel says some things at him.

For a moment, I feel dizzy.

Her voice does that to people

Noel tries to finish explaining her orders to Jin, but he glares at her and uses ellipses.
This is intimidating and it makes her say "um" a lot.
Although she did say one thing that was interesting

Tsubaki hasn't been the same since you left.

Hmm

In any case, Jin gets so mad because she looks like his dead sister that he finally cuts her off and yells "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU" like a hundred times. Then he kills her.

Noel might be pretty lame, but this is unfair. She was only doing her job and suddenly got killed by a faggot. Circle of life

When I came to, Noel Vermillion is nowhere to be seen.

Yep he got so mad that he passed out. Maybe anger is like drugs for these guys
Also the screen is now black and white. Jin should go find Litchi's clinic, there are probably first aid kits there

Then he sees a shadow of Noel for some reason.
Then he goes UUUUAAAAAAHHHHHHH and the color goes back to normal.

Wh...What was that...just now...?

I don't know
YOU
TELL
ME

My right hand is covered in something red.
It's awfully warm to the touch.

So...lava?

Also why are you punching people Jin
I don't know if you've noticed, but you actually have a sword

Suddenly his magical fairy sensors detect Ragna so he completely forgets everything that just happened and runs off.
I bet Ragna will be overjoyed to see his brother again

These are truly great. Great writing as always Cat.

Christmas Shadow wrote:These are truly great. Great writing as always Cat.

Thank you

But the real question is whether or not I can keep this up. In any case I will try

Just as I thought...you WERE "Ragna the Bloodedge".

What, is Ragna a really common name in the future?
Right now they're at the Brown Hole and boy, does Ragna look thrilled to see Jin

Jin does his usual "See Ragna, go insane" routine.
Ragna does his usual "GO AWAY SHIT DAMMIT ASSHOLE" routine.
The wheel of fate is indeed turning

Don't be so cold...Brother!!

I get it
What's next, "Ice to meet you"?

Jin thinks about their old house burning down and cutting off Ragna's arm. This makes him laugh like a crazy person.
Your jokes suck Jin get off the stage

I just killed a girl who looked exactly like her...

Wow he sounds so proud of himself when he says that.




I get to "kill" you again!!!!!

Okay he put quote marks around it. That means he didn't actually kill Ragna.
...right?

Whatever now they fight and Jin wins.
This time I was trying and I perfected him. Poor Ragna

Jin seems to be having fun.
I know this because he shouts it about five times.
Okay I forgot he was this crazy

But before he can kill Ragna, there's an earthquake and the boring fire pit thingy cutscene whatever.
Then Jin walks directly into v13.

...Jin...back off...!
She's not your enemy!

What

Something is flowing into me from Yukianesa.
These are...memories.

WHAT

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH-

Look out you're gonna crash AAAAHHHH

I see...I get it...So that's how it is...

Great! Now you know something important about the storyline!
So what is it?
...You're going to tell us what it is, right?
No?
Didn't think so

Jin realizes that the evil sword robot is evil.
WHOA REALLY!?!?!?!?

So he tells her to DIE DISSIPATE
Also the fight takes place in the Brown Hole Zone instead of the Cauldron, where these events are actually taking place.
You know, because I haven't spent enough time there already
Besides, it's not like I just fought Ragna there or anything
...sigh

Of course since it's v13 she ignores it. Oh COME ON
She shoots a laser at him. Why do all the invincible characters get lasers in cutscenes

Damn it, my feet...! You BITCH...!

It must have been a feet-seeking laser

v13 takes this opportunity to go molest Ragna. This time she uses her child molester voice.
And by that I of course mean she's a child that molests people

Only now Jin notices that v13 has his sister's face.
Even though he could recognize it on Noel instantly...
Oh wait v13 had a visor on most of the time.
False alarm that actually makes sense

Oh but Jin goes completely insane this time.
The dialogue box reads: "I just killed you!"
He actually says:

I JUST KILLED YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

v13 turns to look at Jin and goes "lol"

Jin responds by saying his favorite thing:

YOU BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And v13 stabs Ragna a bunch of times for the hell of it, then jumps in the fire pit with him.
Jin limps after them.

Suddenly, I see a girl.
She says something as I fall into the Cauldron, but she's too far away.

I guarantee you it was "You suck Ragna"

Then Jin is flying around a hundred years in the past. Makes sense
...But why is he flying

He sees the moon and gets scared. Hahahahaha

Later, he's lying around and being crippled.
He cries like a bitch. Hey cut that out I'm not supposed to feel sorry for you you're Jin and everyone hates you

Rachel, of course, enjoys making fun of crippled people.

How would you like to become a -real- hero?

But he became Hakumen instead. Game over

That there was Jin's true ending.
But I must find the alternate truth so ONWARDS
BANG MUST DIE

; ;

So I'm back at the part where Jin first arrives in Kagutsuchi and gets ambushed by those "ninja" things. This time I pick the suck option

Jin angrily cuts Bang like a hundred times. Bang is genuinely hardcore, though, and will not accept any help from his subordinates. He is an hero

Eventually though, his men prevent him from winning that Darwin Award by rushing Jin all at once.
Of course, he could kill them in a second while blindfolded and locked in a box a hundred miles away, but he runs away instead because killing a bunch of people in broad daylight "might blow his cover".
Jin is slightly less bad at this then Ragna, it seems

Keep dancing around...you pathetic scum.

Okay this taunt is stupid.
Better luck next time
loop

He escapes by sealing the road with ice. Boy that sure would help him in battle wouldn't it

He continues into Orient Town.

The city overflows with ignorant, filthy human bodies, all of them polluting the air around me.

HEY
THAT'S TERRIBLE
You've left out the "human-like" species that also live in Kagutsuchi. That's racial discrimination

People in general disgust me.

Have you looked in a mirror recently

Someone seems to have started a fight, and apparently that passes for entertainment in this...place.

Well guess who's a fighting game character
Go on, guess
Hint: It's not me

The answer of course is Tager, who sees Jin and walks on over to him, probably to shake his hand.
Although doing so would make Jin lose half his health

Tager is curious about what the "Hero of Ikaruga" is doing in the city.
So they have a friendly chat about exactly how much information they're not going to be telling each other.
Jin somehow comes to the conclusion that Tager is going to use his incredible speed to find Ragna before he can, so he attacks.
This catches Tager off guard because, unlike Jin, Tager's decisions are based on facts and reasoning.

So Jin beats him up.
Then I guess he realizes that attacking people for no reason actually slows him down, so he runs away.

What was wrong with him?

All the psychiatrists in the world could never find that out
Let alone the people playing this game

After that, Jin reaches the NOL facility...
Wait, this is going exactly the same as before.
But I am only at 61% what did I miss

*goes to check GameFAQs*

OHHHHH I have to lose against Tager
Good thing I just saved over that file

Sigh

Spoiler:

Okay I lost

Tager leaves.
Jin shouts at him to wait, I guess because he wanted to get punched some more.
Then he passes out.
When he comes to this time, he discovers that he has been abducted by Rachel. He is screwed

Rachel appears before him and Nago and Gii are able to make him really mad within thirty seconds.
She explains that he looked so sad, she couldn't leave him to his fate. She adds

You're too weak to beat him, and you know it.

for no reason.

...What's so funny?

ALL of that was funny.

Ah well, it -is- rare to have looks -and- brains.

I guess messing with people is Rachel's favorite thing
This is why Rachel is the best character
At that point Jin doesn't even say anything else. He just attacks.
Jin, you just got trolled

After winning against Rachel (?) he winds up...
...at the black-and-white zone from the other storyline!? What

Well uh okay
I think his crazy laugh is slightly different this time around.
I'll run with this and see if it leads to anything new

...nope. This one is the same as all the others

HEY WAIT A MINUTE
v13 didn't have her visor on when Jin saw her for the first time
FALSE ALARM CANCELLED

But other then the fact that I noticed that, nothing else is different.
Crippled ending with Rachel, etc etc

Wait

Why is Jin back in the Brown Zone again
The world ended and everything so what

Spoiler:

What the fuck

...What the fuck

Okay I beat him

THE GAME wrote:the end

WHAT THE FUCK

He wanted to be in every storyline so badly, he just teleports in at the end for no reason with no story or explanation.

Alright that's

WHAT THE FUCK

Oh what the fuck

Sigh

At least I'm done with that story.
Now I can move on to Noel's-
wait

...

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

Every fan of BlazBlue should read these.

Okay look
Here's my problem with Noel
First of all her voice gives my ears cancer.
Secondly, despite being completely useless, she still manages to be a super important character.

But you don't have to take my word for it!
Let's see for ourselves, shall we?

Noel starts by describing her memories of a room where everything's white and she's in a bed. This is because she's a clone or something

I never know what's going on.
Sometimes that worries me.

Only SOMETIMES?

Then Rachel an unidentified person appears and just stares at her for a while. Whoever this person is, she is so powerful that Noel automatically knows she owns the room.
Yes that has two meanings

Noel tries to ask Rachel "Why am I here?". Well, why are any of us here, when it comes down to it
And also "Who am I". So she is an amnesia clone, then

I guess that was a dream because then her phone or whatever rings and she is startled and yells really loud. Please don't tell me she does that every time her phone rings

She yells into the phone. Poor person on the other end of the phone
It is her superior, labeled as "Superior". Unless that's his name

"You sound very surprised...Did something happen?" he asks.
Yeah, something happened. It was a loud noise.
Noel, the trained soldier, is easily startled by loud noises.
Of course.

Mr. Superior asks Noel to debrief him on the status of her mission, so you, the viewers at home, will know why she's going to Kagutsuchi without having to look at the guidebook or something.

By the way she's there to find and, if possible, detain Jin Kisaragi, who deserted his post to find Ragna and laugh like a maniac for unknown reasons.

Also he lets her know that Hazama from Hell the Intelligence Department will be watching her die and laughing helping her with the mission.
Well it's good to know she'll have some support out there

Mr. Superior got disconnected before he could say "Oh and don't fight Ragna". This is because the airship (?) she was on had almost arrived at Kagutsuchi, and it is a running joke that phones never work there. It must be all the evil

She looks out at the city and it's shiny.

Beautiful...

I try to picture her saying this without an incredibly dopey look on her face but cannot. DAMN LIBRARY

She arrives at the docks.

So...where should I go?

Okay I totally do not have a positive impression of the NOL's military right now
Shouldn't there be some sort of plan?
Maybe?
Most likely this is just Noel's fault. I am disappoint

Fortunately Satan someone competent arrives right away to stab everybody help Noel not suck as much.
Yes, it's Hazama.

Yeah he's not completely obviously evil but he is at least somewhat obvious.
1. Wears all black
2. Eyes not visible
3. Fashion sense (hat)
4. His voice, man
Just LISTEN to it
It's evil even when he's not being evil
Again: Best character

I keep getting static on the radio in this city...

LOL NO RECEPTION

...

Radio?
Wow the future sucks

It's worth pointing out that Noel stammers virtually every time she talks to someone. Sigh

Anyway, Hazama explains that the NOL is trying to keep the fact that their hero has gone on a crazy rampage a secret.
I hope he doesn't try attacking people in broad daylight or anything

The NOL has raised the alert level to "D" here in Kagutsuchi...

HOLY SHIT
D!??!!?!?!??!?!
THAT'S THE ALERTEST LEVEL OF ALL

But the NOL is incompetent so a bunch of wierdos managed to sneak in anyway.
Like GIGANTIC TAGER Sector Seven.

I'm sure I don't need to explain our relationship with them.

Hazama is directly taunting the player.
GEE IT SURE WOULD BE NICE IF I UNDERSTOOD MORE ABOUT THIS DUMBASS STORY

I think it's fairly obvious that their presence isn't good for us...

Oh fuck you

And one more thing: It seems many vigilantes have snuck into town.

Only one character in the game actually did this.
The other two vigilantes both live here and are retarded

That sure is a lot of incredibly dangerous vigilantes all right
You'd better be careful Noel. Knowing your luck, you'll probably run into, and get attacked by, the only competent vigilante in the entire city within a few minutes oh hey it's Carl!

I was wrong. It was seconds, not minutes

Noel asks Carl why he left the military academy. Carl dodges this question because it would reveal too much about his character, and he's only here to get beat up in everyone's storylines, including his own.
So much for competence. Just look at Noel- she's a major character

I need information on Ragna the Bloodedge.

Noel does not take the hint and run away like any regular person would do in this situation (including Hazama!!).

That's a secret...

Uh, shouldn't you say "that's classified", or something else I could actually take seriously?

I...see...

Noel how can you still be standing there
Fortunately (?) Hazama yells at her HELLO THIS KID IS OBVIOUSLY A MASS MURDERER OR SOMETHING YOU SHOULD TOTALLY GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE
or something like that

Aw, she dodged it, Sis...

He should say this whenever he misses with any attack

Also I just noticed: Noel has no pupils. What the fuck
Even v13 has those
What is WRONG with you Noel you can't even do ANATOMY correctly
...For multiple reasons

Oh yeah so Noel defeats him in combat. Wait WHAT

You are far stronger than I expected...

You and everyone else, Carl
Turns out there is actually a storyline explanation for this.
Since this part has gone on for much too long, and it's 3 in the morning, I'll save that for later.

Carl leaves and Noel is about to go running after him when Hazama reminds her that she should sometimes do things that aren't stupid.

He reveals that Carl's marionette (Nirvana), as well as Noel's guns, are Nox Nyctores.
He doesn't reveal what a Nox Nyctores actually is. Fuck you Hazama

In a rare flash of insight, Noel asks him why he knows so much about top-secret super weapons.

...Uhh, well, we are the intelligence department of the Librarium.

Okay maybe Hazama is more obvious than I remember.
Also he tells her to go back to HQ right away because the mission is so top-secret, they can't discuss it out in the open.
Like they've been doing for the past several minutes.
And also that he'll catch up to her later.

I guess this is another lie to get her to do something. I forget what it is though

While walking, because she can never actually think about the thing she's doing at any given time, she thinks back to her time at the academy, where she wore a really short skirt. You know, because discipline

She remembers getting told off by Jin for being so damn stupid.
And probably also because she never looks at the person she's talking to, but at the camera instead. That's bad acting
...How did I not notice that until now? It's kind of annoying
Noel can't even NOT DO ANYTHING correctly

Oh yeah also Carl was there and he was apparently a legend or something. That's pro
Oh yeah and one time he got molested by a squirrel.
Tsubaki told her to stop because it might make Carl angry.
You won't like him when he's angry

*giggle*
I WILL KILL YOU

Everyone was so cheerful, and warm, and kind.

HOW COULD YOU SAY THIS
YOU CAN CLEARLY REMEMBER JIN BEING A DICKHEAD
YOU WERE JUST THINKING ABOUT IT FIVE SECONDS AGO

Then Noel says some meaningful things about the past.
These are not especially interesting, however I must record any time she does, says, or thinks something that is not an utter failure. So:

2

...I didn't remember Noel being this terrible...

But at least she has a festive name.

MERRY CHRISTMAS LOL

As great as ever. God, Noel sucks.