Understanding BlazBlue's Storyline and Other Things No One Should Attempt

Dangerous people?
I have no idea what you're talking about

BEST.PART.EVER

It's time to get Tao's last-

Wait a sec

Taokaka opened her mouth as wide as she could, drool dripping from her lips...

drool dripping from her lips

lips

...









Oh okay false alarm

So anyway it's time to get Tao's last ending.
I have to pick the other option from back where Rachel stepped on her tail.

I'MMA BEAT THE CRAP OUTTA wait no hold that thought there is meat in the immediate vicinity

Fluffy, soft, and full of meat... It looks delicious, meow.

FUCK now I'm starving

Meat bun...? You mean this?
Ouch! Please don't pull my cheek, Princess. It hurts! You'll tear it!
Ohhh! That's the one, meow!

What do you mean, "that's the one"!?
Do you see any other flying meat buns around? 'Cause I don't

E-Eek! Are you trying to eat me!?

Apparently everyone tries to eat Gii.
I can...uh...see why?

So Tao chases him around for a while.

Princess! Help!

Unless you want her to get utensils or something you're out of luck

I won't let you get away this time, meow!

So Tao chases him around for a LONG while

Hahahaha. I laughed so much, my stomach's cramping.

lol Gii almost died

How can you two just sit there and do nothing!?

Is he EVER going to figure out Rachel's personality

Wait for me, buns!

Now Tao's hallucinating and sees meat buns everywhere I guess.
At least I hope that's what she's talking about

But Rachel decides to save Gii so he can do the chores or something.
So she uses Nago as a Home-Run Bat

Thank you so much, Princess!
Ah, it was nothing. I'll simply see to it that you repay me a hundred-no, a thousand fold. That should be sufficient.

lol animal abuse/slave labor super combo
Although it has actually just occured to me that Rachel isn't actually that cruel and is only trying to create an image of herself-
Yeah no

Y-You're kidding, right...?

I'm afraid not

Ow ow ow ow ow...Gii's the bat, not me!

LOL JOKE'S

...No pun intended.

So you mean Gii actually is a baseball bat, then?

That aside... Princess, where did YOU learn that kind of dangerous foreplay?

First of all, please pick better words next time Nago

Secondly, where did she learn how to do lightning and lightning rods and controlling the wind and lasers and face touching? I'd like to know about those too

I don't think that cat will bother us anymore...

Do you have any idea how fighting games work?

Also, "cat"? Really?
Even Nago looks more like a cat than she does
And Nago is an umbrella

I am kinda worried for her, though...

Damnit Gii stop being nice I've warned you about that
Just look at Tager. He never meant no harm to anyone
And his reward is to get repeatedly attacked by freaks for no reason, including Hakumen, and then die.
But that's for later

You're more masochistic than I thought...

Indeed
Oh wait no, he meant because Tao was just trying to eat him. Never mind

Well, I doubt that she's injured at all from this.

YOU JUST STOMPED ON HER REPEATEDLY AND DID WARLOCK PUNCH HOW DOES THAT NOT CAUSE INJURY

The answer, of course, is that Taokaka cannot be injured by anything I guess?
Maybe her HP bar just measures how bored she is

More likely, it's cutscene power to the max

That girl...

I thought she was a cat

...did you know her, Princess?

I dunno. Is she included in "everything"?
If so, then yes

Hehe...maybe.

Wait WHAT

And the scene ends. WHAT

Tao lands on her head. Again.
Hooray for complete lack of catlike reflexes
Also this might explain something

Her head gets stuck in the ground and she does her best Kenny impression until she breaks free.
She's apparently back at her village.

What just happened to Tao, meow?

A NEW RECORD

"She had already forgotten meeting Rachel-"

Because, of course, Rachel's strike made Tao forget everything about her unfindable mansion dimension.
You know, like the MIB's memory erase flashy thing
Except with a gay cat umbrella

"-and why she'd been falling in the first place-"

Or maybe Tao's memory is just that bad.
The world may never know
Okay yeah it's the second one

Oh, well. I wonder if there's anything fun to do around here.

But before any attempted murder/rape can happen:

MECHA-TAGER

It's a blue version of Tager which yells its own name. Okay sure
Wait, isn't regular Tager also Mecha?

Wh-What a creepy-looking dude!

But is he a creepy enough dude to rescue Hakumen?

TAGER WILL ELIMINATE YOU
Right back at you, meow!

Mecha-Tager's going to regret having used Tao's special word

Of course, when the fight starts, Mecha-Tager is suddenly brown.
Okay sure

...Wait I LOST WHAT
AUGH I LEFT THE DIFFICULTY ON VERY HARD

Well, as long as I'm here, I may as well go over what happens next

THIS ONE IS A SAMPLE. I'LL RETRIEVE YOU NOW.

So when you said "eliminate" you meant "retrieve". Okay sure
This one must be defective.
Or maybe it's like how in battles, everyone gets really pumped and shouts stuff like DIE ALREADY and BREAK THE BONES and I'LL DEVOUR YA and DIE DISSIPATE and MY BREASTS AREN'T STEAMED BUNS even when they don't actually have any intention of killing or even hurting their opponents. Or eating them

So MECHA-TAGER takes her to Sector Seven. Probably for cloning purposes because that's the #1 reason girls are kidnapped
But it turns out that was not the case

"Later, a rumor began to spread about a hero called Super Mecha-Kaka, who flew around-"

Okay that's enough horror for today. The rest is just too scary to copy down here

So this time, with the difficulty back on Normal because im the best, I beat up Mecha-Tager.

AND THEN ROBOTS EVERYWHERE
They're robot versions of Tao apparently.
Check out their amazing dialogue:

Tao, Tao, Tao, Tao, Tao, Tao, Tao, Tao, Tao, Tao!

What, are they Pokemon or something

"Taokaka was confused..."

I am detecting a parallel between the mental state of Taokaka and myself and now, most likely, you, the reader

"Before she could decide what to do, all of them jumped her at once!"

Well that probably would have been her decision anyway

Meow!? I'm sure we can all talk it out-

Who are you and what have you done with Tao

-since we're all Tao, meow!

Yeah all mirror matches end with a diplomatic resolution
lol diplomacy

Tao, Tao, Tao, Tao, Tao, Tao, Tao, Tao, Tao, Tao!
Why do you keep saying "Tao"?

Actually, they're not named "Tao". They're labeled "Mecha-Kaka"
So I guess they're just saying that because Tao is an awesome name

Also it's worth pointing out that this discussion is taking place AFTER they've started attacking her

You're not making any sense! Talk like Taokaka, meow!

You can only have one of those, I'm afraid

Tao, Tao, Tao, Tao-
SHUT UP GODDAMMIT
SHIT
GODDAMN

One of the bots runs up to her...okay I guess when they jumped her, they weren't attacking...and hits her on the head.
Because Tao's best move is to punch people in the head
Yeah these robots are obviously scrubs

So, you want a piece of Tao, huh? Okay, bring it on!

Then she violently punches the air for a while.
Of course the robots stand still and watch her do this

Whenever you're ready, meow!

And THEN the actual fight starts. It only took about a hundred years
Tao beats up a robot.

I won't be defeated by a fake, meow!

Bioweapons hate fakers. Proven fact

But uh what about the other hundred fakes

Oh okay she crushed all of them. Well, uh...okay!
EXCEPT FOR ONE
The last one freaks out and turns red

Ready...for...the...final...attack...meow!
5...4...3...2...1...
Huh? There's one left?

Tao only notices it after it's spent a whole minute glowing bright red and describing its attack in a very loud voice.

0.
Kaboom! Meow!

Tao saying "meow" is bad enough already
But why would someone program a robot to do that!?
I guess this is what the non-Kokonoe members of Sector Seven were up to this whole time
Which is why we never hear about them. They're idiots

HEY WAIT A MINUTE

Here is a short list of people that don't say "meow" ever:
-Kokonoe
-Jubei
-Nago
-The Kaka Village Elder
-The Kaka kittens. ANY OF THEM EVER

So, none of the cat-things in the game besides Tao feel the need to add "meow" to their dialogue.
I'll let you ponder the implications of that on your own

SO THE ROBOT EXPLODED
And Tao ended up in Ronin-Gai somehow.

Meooooooooow!

...sigh

Everything was blown away!

Wait, did the robot just destroy the Kaka village?
Why
Also WHY ARE THEY HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE

Also also, Tao was standing next to a robot which exploded with enough force to destroy an entire village and send her flying.
And of course she is not injured in any way. This is getting to be a bit much

"She thought she'd been blown away by the explosion of the last Mecha-Kaka, but there wasn't any sign of the explosion... Had it all been just a dream?"

...

So

Uh

...

Well that would explain why the robots were defective, confusing, and pointless.
Because Tao invented them

Wh-Wh-Wh-What the-!?
Why must you scream for no reason?

Uh Bang usually if someone screams it's a good idea to make sure there isn't a problem or anything
You know, because heroes do that sort of thing

"Taokaka spun around and saw the man who had just yelled at her. He was dirty and smelly and...gross."

That's called being MANLY
Look it up

Who are you, old guy?

Only the best character in the game

O-Old guy...?
But, I'm not that old-
Ugh... Forget it.

You should have gone with "never mind"

My name is-

Then he does his ten minute introduction which I don't need to repeat here

So, what do you want from me, scruffy old man?

I'm surprised she was able to wait for him to finish talking

I don't know how you came to the conclusion I am "scruffy" from that conversation...but I am a generous man...I won't get mad for something as petty as that...

Yeah seriously
"Scruffy"? What the hell does that even mean?

Yep that means it's time for an educational trip to Dictionary.com
YAAAAAAY LEARNING

Dictionary.com wrote:untidy; shabby.

UNTIDY!?
Oh no she didn't

I found you lying unconscious there. Are you hurt?

I'm guessing that wasn't actually unconsciousness

Of course she isn't hurt at all.

By the way, you don't look like you're from around here.

I was about to say something along the lines of "SHE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE SHE'S FROM AROUND ANYWHERE" but there are actually a lot of people in Kagutsuchi who look weirder than she does.
Ever looked at the background of the port stage?
Don't.

What's your name? Where did you come from?

Whoa be careful there Bang that's coming close to exceeding Tao's question limit
She might explode/attack/ignore you

"That was way more questions than Taokaka was used to thinking about all at once."

Wait no I was joking
That's only two questions and one of them is "What's your name?"
I'm starting to think Tao might not be that smart

So she decides to





...






...








Here's everything that happens next.
I give up
This story is over










Tao came from over there!
...What do you mean by "over there"? Could you point in that direction?

Right now I've finished 6/14 stories.

Since this has started to get...kind of big, I went and added chapter selection buttons to the first post because I love doing pointless things.
You never know, they might come in handy somehow

And I've gone back and cleaned up all the other parts a bit to make them look slightly better