Understanding BlazBlue's Storyline and Other Things No One Should Attempt

Noel wanders around, presumably in the direction of the NOL building, and walks into Tager.
He is bright red and as big as a mountain. Just how spaced out do you have to be to miss something like that

You seem very distracted...for a combat officer.
Or is this the caliber of soldier the NOL settles for...?

lol owned

Th-That's not true! I was just thinking about something!
And that is called being distracted.

Okay so Tager is the best character in the game

Noel tries to arrest him because of the UP3 or something.

I don't particularly enjoy needless quarrels, but...

If Noel hadn't shot him a bunch of times at this point, he'd have continued, "But this one isn't needless because you really need to get the shit kicked out of you."
I'm sure of it
But she beats him in a fight.

Who the hell...are you...?

No one understands why Noel is able to win fights. That's funny

But then she goes back to normal.
You can tell because Tager successfully runs away from her

I...I won...didn't I...?

Even Noel herself can't believe it. Sigh
This is starting to get kinda depressing

She wonders if the power that lets her win fights is actually Bolverk's????
Apparently her guns are called Bolverk. That's confusing and is a really awkward name

What on earth are the Nox Nyctores...?

If only there was someone around who knew everything about them

*sigh*

You too, huh

Ah! I n-need to hurry to headquarters.

I guess even she can't fail at the single, relatively easy task she was given.
Spoiler: In her alternate ending, SHE DOES. Son of a bitch

...Wh-Which way was it again?

First of all, never mind I guess she still has a ways to go before achieving even the slightest level of potential success.
Secondly, the headquarters isn't the giant building at the top of the city, is it?
If so, EVEN I COULD FIND IT
THERE IS ONLY ONE TOP

Suddenly Bang leaps in front of her.
This frightens Noel, of course. Although to be fair, this would probably frighten anybody

Friendship! Determination! Victory!
I am the ninja who fights in the name of love and justice, Bang Shishigami!

Exactly why is he ambushing people and monologue-ing at them

Oh never mind, he just starts all of his dialogue that way. My mistake
I've been getting careless

He's actually here to beat up a frightened girl because she defended herself from a psychopath earlier. GOOD JOB BANG

I'm talking about Carl!

If you mess with Carl, his gang will kill you

So Bang attacks her and she shoots him a bunch of times and he loses.

I cannot believe I lost to a bully...

Yes because Noel totally looks and sounds like a bully
I officially feel sorry for Noel. Her life is absolute shit

Bang is still pro enough to point her in the direction of the NOL facility, even while half-dead on the ground.
Not that that's too hard to do. He probably just pointed upward

Once Noel's offscreen, Bang's men arrive just in time to save him from getting shot oh wait no never mind.
His men ask him if he's all right.

Er, it's nothing major.

Yep he only got shot a hundred times, he should be able to just walk it off
Actually this is just another case of Bang being incredibly hardcore.
...Probably.

Since Bang is a ninja, and ninja are basically magicians, he has some magic sensing powers of his own!

I couldn't even sense her presence...
It's like...she was...air...

Well she is an airhead if that's what you mean

*sigh* I'm finally here.

It only took you a hundred years
You're lucky the building hasn't rusted and fallen down yet
Also: Yep it's the one at the top of the city. ffffffff

What took you so long!?

BITCH DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO
THIS IS LIEUTENANT NOEL VERMILLION, ALSO KNOWN AS FAILURE INCARNATE

She is so terrible, she can't even just point a gun at someone and shoot them
Her guns do not fire bullets, but pictures of guns

Oh, well...I just got here myself.

...Then what the hell are you complaining about

They ponder why the facility is deserted.
Hazama suggests that Ragna attacked and killed everyone, which means that it's probably Hazama's fault. I wouldn't be surprised

Jin suddenly runs up to Noel, completely ignoring Hazama.
Yeah which of those two do you think is an actual threat?

This is...a murderous intent? But why...?

Okay, so even Noel gets the main characters' ability of sensing.
I guess the intent enters her guns, then passes through the nerves in her arms and you know what?
Just...just never mind

Hazama starts reading Jin his rights or something.
Jin cuts him off by literally cutting him off.
I guess Hazama dodges or something though, cause he makes sure to retreat to the background and shout in a very loud voice that he's no good at fighting.

Jin glares at Noel and she makes the mistake of attempting to reason with him.
This is like trying to reason with flying knives

Any last words?

She shoots him in the face. Does that count

Now that Jin is growling and foaming at the mouth, Noel tries to reason with him again.
Well, it wouldn't be Noel enough if she tried something that might actually work, I guess

You know...NOTHING!

True enough.
Although that also applies to the player, sadly

She actually tries apologizing to him, though, before he limps after Ragna. Oh come on

Then there's an earthquake, Edgeworth hides under a table, and THE GATE OPENS I guess
But Noel skips the Brown Hole and the cutscene and everything and goes right to v13.

Then a bunch of still images flash in front of her.
These are memories, but they could be clone memories or reflected past future memories or WHO KNOWS
The last image stays onscreen for a while. It looks like Sora.
FUCK
QUICK NAMINE FIX IT FIX IT

Wh-What was that...?

Hey, beats me!
How about you explain to me what it was, all right??
Okay!?

Noel and v13 stare at each other for a while (Well, Noel stares at the camera. But you get the idea).

Then finally

I've...seen this...somewhere...

Reaction time. Look into it

Some...where...

I heard you the first time GEEZ

Then Noel becomes a robot. Okay sure
Noel and v13 scan each other and decide that they are the same person.
They must hate themselves (I would), because they immediately attack each other.
Noel wins, then loses. Cool

Restriction 666 lifted...

Sorry, but only Ragna is allowed to make hardcore satanic references. You're under arrest

Anyways Restriction 666 apparently lets v13 use time magic.

Impossible to evade. Impossible to block...

So barrier burst or something
Oh right, it's Noel. She'd probably end up doing Optic Barrel instead
So v13 kills her I guess.

Hazama, who's lurking off in the corner like a pro, is still pretending to be not evil even though no one's around. He regretfully says to himself that he should report to headquarters.
Then he sees Rachel and flips out.

I see you have a new look.

That's called style. Look it up
Not that vampires would know anything about that. I bet they wear the same outfit for a billion years

Hazama is playing dumb or something and pretends not to know who Rachel is.

Hazama...I still don't understand him...

This is a character so confusing, that not even Rachel (who knows everything) knows anything about him.
Oh boy my confidence that I will someday understand this storyline is renewed

So ends Noel's miserable life. Well it sucked anyways so whatever
It's a good thing she doesn't have to re-live it over and over again for all eternity

GOD DAMN

Hazama is one cool dude.

It's alternate ending time!!
Even with magical spirit guns, Noel still can't actually beat Tager.
Sounds right to me

She comes to, sees Litchi in front of her, and gets really scared because Litchi is really scary of course

Wh-Where am I...?
Don't worry. It's my clinic.
C-Clinic...?

Basically a hospital.
God, Noel, read a dictionary or something

Turns out Tager brought her there after knocking her out.
Tager is probably the nicest playable character
Noel isn't because in battle she goes crazy, and Litchi isn't because of what is about to happen

So I...lost?

Well, you were bludgeoned into unconsciousness by your opponent, so...maybe

You didn't expect to win against a huge man like him, did you?

Somehow Litchi is able to say this in a vaguely whorish way, though that might be just me...

Have you considered being a little more feminine?

I don't think that constitutes sound medical advice

But by now Noel has noticed something important about Litchi.

Hm? Is there something on my chest?
Did I offend you somehow?
No...it's nothing.

This is one of those Tales of Symphonia "it's nothing"s
Directly translated, it means, "there's something"

Noel actually remembers that she has a mission to complete (reach headquarters. This is not hard okay), so she attempts to flee from Litchi's gargantuan breasts.
BUT TO NO AVAIL

Those clothes don't do your cute figure justice.
C'mon, let's dress you up!

Wait WHAT
BAD TOUCH BAD TOUCH

Noel gets the fuck out of there (3) and runs in a random direction, directly into Bang Shishigami. Meaning, face-first.
And Bang is both very big and monologue-ing to himself in a very loud voice

O-Oww...
I did it again...
Th-that was dangerous! Watch out!

Bang has forgotten all about the thing with Carl.
Even Carl's allies suck. Poor Carl

You'd better be careful next time, young man!

Oh lol

...Young man? I-I'm a girl!
A...girl...?

Bang thinks about this for a while

Your bosom is rather...lacking...so I honestly thought you were a boy...

Bang's Guide For Determining Gender:
-Does the subject have large breasts?
If yes, the subject is female
If no, the subject is male
The end

It's foolproof! Oh wait

Another important step is to tell people how small their breasts are. That's tactful

Well, I mean... How do I say it?

YOU ALREADY SAID IT
AND YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE THE FIRST TIME

Noel suffers from extreme breast envy. Instead of conveying any sort of "YOU'RE FINE THE WAY YOU ARE LOL" message, the game decides to take the opposite route.
Classy

Bang doesn't actually deserve what's about to happen to him, but...
Okay yeah he does

I am Lieutenant Noel Vermillion, NOL Praetorian Guard, Fourth Division!
You are under arrest for obstruction of justice and the public slandering of an officer!

YES.

Arresting people you don't like...now that's better!
I'm serious. There hasn't been nearly as much of that as there should have been in Noel's story

So she shoots him a bunch of times.

Now, you'd better watch what you say. I'll let it slide this time.

Getting shot a hundred times in the face is your first warning

BUT THEN A HORRIFYING CREATURE ATTACKS

Oh, good! I caught up with you.

Litchi is determined to molest Noel
NO MATTER THE COST

You're from...earlier...

How do you not remember her, Noel
You just saw her a few minutes ago and got traumatized and everything

I really wanted you to try these clothes on... So I chased after you.

Not only is this really, really weird, but apparently she's been running around WHILE CARRYING A BUNCH OF CLOTHES.
I guess all that unspecified martial arts training has, uh...really paid off?

Litchi attempts to undress Noel in a public place in broad daylight.
Since Noel doesn't have a rape whistle or pepper spray or any weapons to defend herself with, she runs for it.

You should call the police, Noel

At the very least, she's not going to run into anyone else today who'll make fun of her breasts

Noel is under attack by the evil breasts forces of Miss Litchi!
She flees into Lost Town, which is at the very bottom of the city.
So much for the whole "going to headquarters" thing

She runs up to one of the locals (Taokaka) and explains that she's being chased by a strange woman.

I'm gonna hide, so could you please point her in the wrong direction?

1. Noel picked the worst possible person to ask for help in avoiding Litchi.
2. Noel picked the worst possible person to ask for help with anything. Besides maybe herself.

She'd actually have escaped from Litchi if she hadn't asked for Tao's help.
That's our Noel! *laugh track*

In any case, Tao agrees to help, despite not having any idea what's going on.

Oh, hi, Tao. What are you doing here?
Uhh...lacking lady asked me to hide someone, so...I can't tell nyuu!

Of course, Tao can't handle the complex thought processes required to keep something a secret

Lacking lady? Oh, well...
Anyway, have you seen a little girl pass by?

But she also can't handle the complex thought processes required to speak in a way other people can understand.
These cancel each other out and for a moment it looks like Noel might be safe

She hid. And I'm trying to hide her!

Never mind
To be fair, Tao probably didn't think it was Litchi that was chasing Noel
...But then, why did she try to keep it a secret from Litchi in the first place
Okay trying to understand what Tao's thinking is a very bad idea I'll stop

Hid? Where?
I'm supposed to confuse you, so I can't tell you!

So...that means...she did know that it was Litchi...
ugh
Never mind

So Litchi bribes Tao with steamed buns.
Or flashes her breasts. Could have been either one, really, because that's what Tao thinks her breasts are, and also because it seems the kind of thing she'd do in this situation
Or any situation

So Tao valiantly betrays Noel for steamed buns, going so far as to drag her out of the place she was hiding. GOOD JOB TAO

Boobie lady!
If Tao captures that, will you give me more steamed buns?

And now Noel's status has fallen to "that".
But I don't think she's worth more than a steamed bun, either

Absolutely.
Do your best, okay?

Now Litchi's persuading two girls to fight to the death with guns and knives so she can molest the loser.

H-How cruel...

Ragna, Noel, and Carl could have a "worst day ever" competition
Come to think of it, Tao is a major factor in all three of those days. Hmm

Oh my, Tao lost?
You're a lot stronger than I thought, Lieutenant.

All together now:
YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE

So...have you changed your mind at all? Don't you want to try on these outfits?

Yes, combat makes people want to get molested by strangers.
Litchi's a doctor, making the above a scientific fact

Noel runs away for some reason though. Oh come on Noel don't put down science

Now that's no fun... But then again, that's what makes you so adorable!

At this point, Litchi, you're scarier than Hakumen

I'm starving...I don't have any strength.

Next she'll claim her controller isn't listening to her inputs

Now then, we've just gotta start chasing her again.

NOTHING CAN STOP THE DETERMINATION OF A CHILD MOLESTER

Tao also loves to molest people but even she cannot go along with this overly bizarre scheme.
Also she got shot a hundred times in the face. But apparently she's ignoring that part

...Boobie lady...You smell like alcohol.

Thank goodness
There's a reasonable explanation for Litchi's behavior: When she gets drunk, she tries to take the clothes off of young girls
See? Perfectly reasonable

*sigh* Geez, now I'm totally lost...

So before you were only kind of lost?

Suddenly Litchi leaps out from behind a trashcan or something

Did you give it some thought?

Yes Noel has spontaneously decided that she likes taking her clothes off in public, and the only reason she hasn't done it already is because she got lazy and doesn't want to do it herself

Oh wait sorry I interrupted Noel before she could see Litchi ambush her and yell really loud.
Please, continue

Huh!? Wh-What the-! ?

Now there's some punctuation you don't see every day

Litchi says more creepy things. At this point, though, I don't really need to repeat them here because you get the idea.
Also, that's really creepy cut it out already

I-I'll say it one more time...! If you follow me around anymore, I'll arrest you for obstruction!

WHY did you only think of this NOW-
Oh wait, it's Noel. Carry on

So Litchi becomes violent and attacks!!

Wh-Why did it turn out like this...?

Hey, it beats the ending where you die, right?
...Right?

Unrelated: Somewhere out there, Hazama is getting really angry

...Aww! Why do you resist so much!?

Oh yeah I wasn't going to copy any more of those
I apologise

Isn't that the logical thing to do?

You can't bring logic into the BlazBlue storyline! That's illegal

Fortunately the issue is avoided because Noel notices something important about Litchi.
No, the other thing

I-Is that a panda?

You mean, that weird ball on Litchi's head?

It's alive...isn't it?

No Litchi only puts dead pandas on her head

But it is an alive panda, somehow, and Noel is willing to get molested if Litchi will let her pet it. What
So Noel pets it and nearly orgasms. WHAT

*giggle* It's so fluffy...Ohhhh...I'm so happy...

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU
Whatever. I guess she deserves it after all that, or something

That's the end of Noel's story...but it's worth adding...

If you beat Bang, Tao, or Litchi with a Distortion Finish
After the fight, Noel is so tired that Litchi catches up with her, undresses her in public, and puts a different outfit on her.
Like so.
Then Noel takes it off and gets back into her combat outfit, then runs away.

Obviously this is just some kind of really weird fanservice.
Still, it makes so much no sense at all that I can't even begin to start thinking, let alone writing, about exactly how much un-sense it doesn't not make.

NOEL STORY END

Parting Thoughts: You know, I think Noel is actually the worst character in the entire game. She fails at absolutely everything, then whines about it.
Even the characters that don't actually do anything (such as Hakumen, v13...hell, even Linhua) still manage to not do anything in a cool way.
In my opinion, that makes this the ultimate irony
Goddamn it's awesome

Also: by now the player should have unlocked at least a couple episodes of "Teach Me, Miss Litchi".
That's good, because the object of BlazBlue is to unlock all the episodes as fast as possible



Special Recognition: My brother provided 1% of the commentary in this update. Thanks dipshit

Super-Festive Catbread wrote:

-Part 4: The rapist-

I see what you did there.

My buddy Keith wrote:I see what you did there.

SHHHH

Noel getting the short end of the stick makes her story worth playing.

FUN FACT: The outfits that Litchi forces Noel to try on are the same outfits from old female Gyilty Gear cast members. (as if anyone really cares.)

Super-Festive Catbread wrote:Next she'll claim her controller isn't listening to her inputs

Best reason for failing ever

"Moonlight shines gently on the courtyard."

Well we're already off to a bad start.
Whenever the moon appears in a video game, there's a good chance that something very bad is about to happen

Rachel listens to people breathing and gets bored. Well, maybe you should try doing something that isn't boring then did you think of that huh

Do you feel tired, madam?

No Valkenhien Valkenhayn, tired and bored are two different things

No, not really...
I do hope that is the truth.

...Why?
Do vampires explode if they fall asleep or something

Rachel and Valkenhayn discuss tea for a while and I become as bored as Rachel says she is.
WHEN SUDDENLY

!?

METAL GEAR!?!??!?!?!?!

What the deuce?

What the what

Madam Rachel, is something amiss?
...Ah. N-No, I'm fine... My nerves, you see.

Your nerves what

Rachel sends Valkenhayn off to get more tea so she can do crazy astrology shit
She looks at the stars and notices that one of them has MOVED SLIGHTLY.
OH MY GOD

Actually I understand what this is supposed to mean, because this is an unstable time loop that changes only slightly each time it runs. At least that's probably what this is supposed to mean

But the idea that balls of gas billions of miles away have any affect on the Earth at all is extremely lolworthy regardless.
So, lol

I know that, once again, the world is about to end.

So it is the end of the world and not just the city or something, I guess (?)

By the way Rachel knows everything but isn't going to tell anyone about anything. What fun

I stand and delicately prod Nago and Gii with my foot.

FALCON KICK

Gii tries to complain that they didn't get any time to relax. How has he not yet figured out that complaining within earshot of Rachel is a terrible idea

Rachel explains that they're going out to see if it's time for them to act.
Note: Rachel uses the vaguest terms possible at all times to prevent anyone understanding anything about the story. Okay cool
So they teleport away.

Valkenhayn arrives with the tea to discover that he has been punk'd.

Ah... gone already? They grow up so fast...

Isn't she thousands of years old by now
Oh never mind
I'm no Belmont I know nothing about vampires really

...Correction: I know nothing about the BlazBlue storyline. There fixed for accuracy

But then Valkenhayn is ambushed by Hazama Terumi A GHOST!!!

You have changed little, I see.
No sense of propriety whatsoever.

...

"The quality or state of being proper"
Oh okay

A man such as you

...You call THAT a MAN?
It looks like something a computer threw up

Hey now, don't be so cold. Don't we go way back?

This would sound friendly if it were not being spoken in Hazama's voice
That guy could make a shopping list, if read aloud, sound threatening

I've had to spend hours surrounded by the stench of those flowers because I don't wanna see that damn vampire.

You could just leave or something
...And does that mean Valkenhayn isn't a vampire?
Maybe he's just not a damn vampire

...I'm terribly sorry. Perhaps you did not hear me. I believe I asked you to leave.

Valkenhayn is incredibly hardcore (and also the best character in the game)
He then does an attack that's so intense, we never find out what it is.
He appears to vanish while a giant slash appears down the screen. Why is this man not playable
But of course:

Hahaha, just forget it, man! There's no use. You should know that.

Yeah bro know what I'm sayin'?

Don't tell me you're going senile.
Aww, did I hit a nerve? Hahaha, you're mad at me for telling the truth?
Hahaha! What kind of logic is that?

Valkenhayn is so angry, it looks as though his heart is about to explode.
Why is this man thing not playable oh wait never mind

Valkenhayn ignores Terumi Hazama Pimpghost that guy and starts cleaning.
I guess Terumi just kind of follows behind him and laughs at him some more, though

...Enough. What do you want?
Nothing really. I was just wondering if you've retired yet.

Oh WHAT

...Enough. What do you want?
Nothing really. I was just wondering if you've realized yet.

I...must have misread it for a second.
My bad

What on earth are you talking about?

If you think Hazama's going to give a straight answer, you haven't been paying attention

...The stars are moving.
P-Poppycock!

lol cock What the hell did he actually give a straight answer
Whatttttt

I hope your precious little lady is all right. Well, that's all I really wanted to say.
See ya around.

Okay so Valkenhayn isn't the best character in the game after all. This level of douchebaggery is just too incredible

Also: When he says "See ya around" it takes about ten seconds and is pronounced as though it is a vicious insult. And coming from Terumi, it is

Then he ghosts away.

Oh, dear...perhaps old age is getting the better of me.

He's professional enough to recover from getting Hazama'd in only a few seconds.
Hooray

You know there sure are a lot of ellipses in the BlazBlue dialogue

Gee, it sure is boring around here.
My girl, this peace is what all true vampires strive for.
I just wonder what Terumi's up to.


Heh


Wha?
Oh, right, the story

Rachel teleports to the airship dock.

How did we end up here?
I guess even you can make some mistakes, Princess...

Well geez you'd better be careful not to telefrag anybody

Anyway, Rachel backhands Nago.
Nago you are an idiot

But LOOK OUT!!

...P-Princess...! Someone's coming!

OH NO WHAT WILL THEY DOOOOOO

I have eyes, Gii. Now shut your ugly mouth before I remove it from your face.

Yep only two people in the world are powerful enough to be able to match Hazama's incredible douchebag powers, and Rachel is one of them.
To say the least: Pro

It was Carl.
Gii was right to be afraid, it turns out

Hello there, child. How do you do?

They're going to have a polite-off

Are you...a witch?

No, but she is the coolest girl you'll ever meet

I beg your pardon? Clearly those ostentatious eyeglasses do your eyes no good. Perhaps they would serve you better forcibly inserted into your mouth.

...See?
See?

Carl asks his sister for her opinion on the witch.
She kind of vibrates as a response. Okay uh vibrate once for yes and twice for no...

Milady, that guy's talking to a puppet...

And Rachel's talking to an umbrella. What's your point

Rachel insults him some more.

"Dangerous"? You're saying that person is dangerous?

Carl has been ignoring her the entire time. Ha

So Carl does what he usually does when he finds something dangerous: He attacks it.
Uh that might not be such a good idea oh too late Rachel electrocuted him

Now Rachel must choose between leaving or teaching Carl some manners. I'll pick the gay one later

I would rather leave him, that he may live to regret his actions.

Yep now he'll never attack strange people ever again

The princess letting someone go...?
You have no idea how lucky you are.

Oh yeah Carl sure is lucky
More on this subject later.

Carl is so grateful or something that he passes out, and Rachel teleports away.
Valkenhayn arrives a second later. He was looking to warn Rachel about their ghost problem, but just missed her.

...But then he starts talking to Nirvana.

Ah, I'm terribly sorry... You are...?
...
It has been some time...
...
Having a master is rather difficult, wouldn't you agree?

And so on. THRILLING

All that matters is that we can understand one another.

...What

So they go on a date or something.
Wait WHAT

No time for questions! The wheel of fate does not stop for any reason

Cut to a scene of Jin and Noel having a friendly chat in the NOL headquarters.
Knowing what I do now, it's a miracle both of them actually made it to this point

Apparently Noel has just won, because Jin's foaming at the mouth again and doing his epic facepalm. I would facepalm too if I lost to Noel

Noel is getting ready to call a doctor for the man who tried to kill her (also: lol phones) when Rachel teleports in.

Oh? Awake already, are you?

She sees you when you're sleeping
She knows when you're awake

A-Are you talking to me?

Noel there are only two people in the room and she's looking right at-
Oh yeah, it's Noel.
Never
Mind

I see no one else here.

Bravo

...

Yeah that's called getting owned
What, you don't like that?

...

STARING CONTEST

S-She's scary...

...Which one of them are you talking about

Shh!
I've heard women can fight with just their eyes...

In that case my money's on Rachel
But so's everyone's so that doesn't mean much

I don't like your eyes.

This is amazing
Rachel could write all of this for me

In any case, Rachel mocks Noel for requiring her guns to even have enough confidence to talk.
I guess they are like a security blanket OF DEATH
Also: lol Noel

Your behavior sickens me, though I can't say I expected much.

You are the best character

Wh-What do you know about me?
What do -I- know about -you-? So you really want to know?
OK... I shall indulge you.
...Everything.

I'm sorry to hear that

I am here to determine if you possess the power to change this world.

So the world's fate is riding on Noel's shoulders.
Hm.
I didn't quite catch that before.
I guess that means the world is endlessly destroyed because of Noel.

I should be more surprised to learn this
I am not

So Rachel kinda waves her hand around and Noel is defeated. Sigh
Then she takes Noel's guns.

A-Ah...give it back, please.
...No.

I have a mental image of Rachel holding the guns over Noel's head while she tries to jump up and grab them

Then she starts crying. Oh wow

Rachel beats up on her some more.
Yeah I do feel sorry for Noel she is not built to withstand this level of verbal abuse

To think I thought you might change the world.

Uh...

Rachel taking Noel's guns is one of the best parts of story mode.

And I get the same mental image.

Rachel teleports directly into Hakumen.
Either her aim is really good or her luck is really bad

How terribly persistent of you, Harlequin.

Hopefully she's just here to insult him

She explains (for the benefit of the player) that Hakumen now fights for "his own form of justice".
I knew it
GOTCHA HAKUMEN

Note: Previously, in my writeup of Jin's story, I implied that Hakumen forced himself into every character's story for no reason.
This is not true, as he is not in Noel's story.
I apologise, Hakumen

Anyway Rachel ponders for a long time while Hakumen just stares at her.
I wonder what he's thinking
I'm guessing he's going over his speech in his head

She says that something major has shifted in the time loop. I dunno what it is
I guess it involves Hakumen
Just maybe

You smile...why?

Well, you see, people smile when they see something funny

Rachel challenges him to a fight because I dunno
She must be pretty damn bored

You would be wise to take your leave.

u scared

Big words from a clown with no audience.
Hahaha...a clown, eh?

For some reason, hearing Hakumen say the word "clown" is really, really funny

Let us see who between us is truly a clown.

Spoilers: its u

DID RACHEL JUST SKIP THE HAKUMEN SPEECH
HOLY SHIT SHE DID
I guess she must have really hurt his feelings, for him to be distracted from his speech
I mean, that's what makes him Hakumen. Without it, he's just a cool guy with armor and a sword

A curse upon you, harlot!

u mad

Hakumen gets interrupted and vanishes.

THEN THERES AN EARTHSQUAKE and Rachel complains a little bit

And then for some reason Gii yells really loud.

Gii! You scared the living crap out of me!

You weren't scared by either Hakumen OR the earthquake, but you were scared by a small bat yelling. Okay sure

Yeah so what was Gii yelling about OSHI-

Hey there, vampire.

If -you- are here, the shifts I've been forced to endure begin to make a modicum of sense.

Were they continuum shifts?

They start insulting each other, predictably enough.
That's what's causing the red lines in the above image
Rachel says he has "the complexion of a maggot" and other cool things about his face

Well, there are lots of things I can do -because- I look like this...

Oh god

Hazama eventually wins (?) by insulting Rachel's ability to insult people. Oh snap

I couldn't get angry if I tried.

Uh huh

Understand me? Haha. Probably not. You're a dumbass after all.

This is the equivalent of performing a thirty hit combo on your opponent after winning the match.
In other words, yes, Terumi is the insult version of v13

Oh man...I'm gettin' tired of picking on vampires, so I'm gonna head out.
See ya.

I don't believe that for a second. Come on he even yawned really loud at the "Oh man" part
He must be missing a TV show or something otherwise he would never stop picking on anybody

Oh man Rachel is so mad

Why, if I could get my hands around his vicious little neck-

The thought of Rachel strangling a guy is pretty incredible, I have to admit
She settles for slapping Gii into the next time zone.
Ooh I get it he's like one of those stress ball thingys

You sure you wanna leave that guy alone? He might be up to no good again...

Here I get two options and they are both "no". Hah
To clarify, though, one is "no" and the other is "YES...later"
I pick the first one. Man these options are stupid

Why should I waste my time on a charlatan like him?

...Because you're bored?
It's not like you're super busy right now or anything you know

I-If that's the case, then I suppose it's OK...

Nago why are you suddenly the strategic expert?
YOU ARE AN UMBRELLA

SUDDENLY A DUDE SHOWS UP
And I think he speaks for all of us.

...Huh?

He continues with even more words of wisdom

Why the hell are you here?

I get it

*giggle*
...Damn you!

Ragna attacking Rachel on sight wouldn't make sense to someone who didn't know that she'd been making his life a living hell lolol for years because she was bored or something.
But I am not one of those people

Plato may have believed the Forms were incorporeal and atemporal,

Okay now you're trying way too hard.
She's obviously still mad at Terumizama

Shut up! I won't be insulted by someone kickin' back in the box seats!

Actually that's exactly what's going to happen
But first, Rachel asks him why he's attacking her for no reason.

Now you're just askin' for it...!

Sigh

So I decided to get a Distortion Finish on him, also for no reason.
KNEEL BEFORE ME
RAGNA

Then she punches him in the head.
While Ragna is getting mad about that, she explains that his lack of conviction dooms this world to oblivion. Or something
It's probably still Noel's fault though

I have no clue what's going on...

...I know the feeling

Why are you fighting? Why are you living...why were you born!?

Geez I already can barely figure out the story, and now this?
I guess you need to know the meaning of life to understand the BlazBlue story. Makes sense

She does a massive speech about how you should never admit defeat, ever ever ever ever. And she tries to touch his face the entire time
It creeps Ragna out, too

Then the world blows up or something while Rachel does a symbolism monologue about how the time loop is a dream. In that case, why did they have to put the time loop up thirty flights of goddamn stairs

Perhaps it's time to give up...

...You suck, Rachel

Then she hears Ragna's voice for no reason. This means something

Then she jumps out of bed and feels really great because the boy she likes talked to her for a second yesterday.

In that case, I shall prepare the most exquisite tea before you have returned to your customary foul temper.

Hey bring some for me too, okay Valkenhayn?
You think living the same hundred years over and over is bad?
HA
I have to go through the entire BlazBlue storyline

LET'S DO THE TIME LOOP AGAAAAAAIIIIIIIINNNNNNN

Rachel has just left her house, then she fell into a dimension door or something and ended up shooting Carl with lightning bolts.

Now she is going to teach him some manners!! You suck Rachel

Perhaps you would like to beg for mercy. Is that what you would like to do, you spoiled brat?

Uh Rachel I don't think you're in any position to be calling someone else spoiled
I mean, Carl works for a living

How shall I punish you?

Wow you are a bitch
So that's why her standing is below Tager/Arakune/Carl on my official list
I had forgotten

Hehehe...you have no idea what the princess is capable of...

Is it lightning

Halt right there!

Okay so he's identified as "???" but come on

A man of love and justice, Bang Shishigami arrives!

Oh really? I hadn't noticed
Rachel closes her eyes in disgust/boredom

I have been watching from afar...

Uh

But how could you lay a finger on a man who is already down...!?

Uh
Man?

And you call yourself a warrior!

Uh
She does?

I, Bang Shishigami, cannot overlook this!
...Who?
I just said, I'm Bang Shishigami!

I'm sorry but Bang cannot be easily taunted because he is uhh...a hero
Yeah, that's it

I suggest you leave.

Yes abandon the child and let him get murdered by a psychopath

Rachel suggests, in essence, that Carl is too pro to be associated with Bang.
More like he's just pro enough

Meanwhile Bang deduces that since Carl was fighting Rachel, she must be an evil criminal.
Exactly how long had he been watching

And so, Rachel immediately leaves.
Wait hold on what

You have failed to pique my curiosity, and I do not care for sweaty men.
Now, we're going to jump from here straight to the Cauldron.

She means they're going to teleport right

I won't let you!

Bang, you don't even know what she's talking about

Bang heroically tackles Rachel just as she teleports, and her aim is thrown off.
They end up at Ronin-Gai

You disgust me.

She's talking to Bang right

Oh, puhlease!

What
Why would you just say that for no reason

Could this be...the "warp" I've heard about?
In my years of rigorous training, I never would've imagined I would get to see this day...to experience a space-time jump with my very own eyes...

And also the rest of your body
If it was just your eyes, that would suck

...It wasn't even that impressive really

Then he sees Rachel, who is ignoring him

Huwah!?

Yep that's a direct quote

Could you be...a top-class vigilante!?

No she's just God or something

He monologues about how incredible it is for Rachel to have mastered the art of warping.
It takes several minutes

Uhh...*ahem*
...Oh. I suppose your departure was too much to hope for.

Uh
You know you can teleport right
You could have left or something

I humbly apologise for my impudence earlier. Although I was unaware of who you were, my attitude was inexcusable...

Actually that wouldn't really absolve her from attacking Carl, would it?
Wait no he attacked her...
Ugh never mind

Instead of leaving, Rachel is having tea while still ignoring Bang. I guess she's waiting for him to leave.
This is pro but it doesn't really excuse the fact that she can TELEPORT AWAY WHENEVER SHE WANTS

But I must question what you were doing to my cute little disciple.

Never mind
Bang's not going to let her get away with attacking Carl
He is still 100% pro at all times he's got this one

Also that's what he calls Carl.
I guess he's never actually seen Carl attack someone
Getting impaled is not usually cute

Bang defends Carl's honor while Rachel gets a tan or something.
I'm not sure this is what's actually happening because that doesn't sound (or look like) a thing Rachel would ever do.
Oh yeah also VAMPIRES ARE ALLERGIC TO SUNLIGHT
Maybe that's why she always has a gay umbrella with her

Bang delivers a heartfelt speech about why you should never look down on others, whether you're high class or not.
This is a speech Rachel could really use, and therefore it boosts Bang's level of awesomeness from "the best character in the game" to "absolutely the best character in the game".

Of course Rachel is too busy torturing Gii to hear any of it. What happened to you Rachel you used to be cool
I guess this is still in character though so w/e

...Do you understand now?
(I take a moment to consider what this creature has said.)

She WHAT
Oh she's just staring at his massive nail. Never mind, then

...You.
...What is it?
Then again...

MAKE UP YOUR MIND

Oh she's attacking him okay

Ough... I have... no regrets...!

Uh did you notice me perfecting you

Rachel insults him a few times (Note: while he's unconscious and can't hear her. u scared) then finally, FINALLY, teleports away.

Ough...ugh...
Miss Litchi...let me...handle this one...

I hope he's not talking about handling what I think he is

Rachel ends up in the sewer or whatever the hell it's actually called.

It would seem we are not where we should be.

1. Oh really? Are you sure?
2. YOU SAID THE EXACT SAME THING LAST TIME

Princess, what are we gonna do?

IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED...

But Rachel says there's nothing to do but have more tea.
Maybe the spell has to recharge with a cooldown period of FUCKING FOREVER

But Arakune is about to eat Gii.
Let's see if anyone cares

...A vulgar creature of lower orders.

If Rachel successfully annoys Arakune then my respect for her might just be renewed

Arakune eats Gii.
Nope no one cared

Fortunately I have the Arakune-translator on so I can see that his dialogue makes about as much sense as his regular style of talking.

<Doesn't taste at all. I should eat the master instead...>

So Arakune won't eat anything that doesn't taste good.
That sounds unhealthy

Also if you expect Rachel to have a flavor then you are an idiot idiot idiot idiot.
She looks very dry...no life

Arakune spits (?) Gii out.

You have defiled my familiar. Must I show you your proper place?

I guess Rachel actually did care, then.
Or maybe she knew Arakune wasn't going to eat him
It's almost as though she knew what was going to happen. But that's crazy

<I do not fear you, but if you have a problem with me, then I shall indulge you.>

Arakune is surprisingly polite
But as my brother pointed out just now, he's made a mistake.
The mistake of course is the first five words in that sentence

Your hubris suggests a resistance to discipline, insect...

Yes Arakune is obviously a delinquent
I can see him already, playing loud music and annoying the neighbors

Of course Rachel electrocutes him.

Looks like he's trying to run. Princess, are you just gonna let him go?

Of course not
She's going to chase down every character in the game and teach them manners

I'm still trying to overcome my trauma...

Are you still here

At this point Rachel decides that teleporting around sucks and she's about to give up.
Rachel stop giving up at things

Valkenhayn actually finds her at this point.
They start talking.
Here let me sum it up for you:

Let's blow this popsicle stand
You said it
*They drive motorcycles off a cliff and explode*

Then they are back at the ol' mansion.
But Rachel has DOUBTS

Do you...do you think I belong at the head of this family? As the inheritor of this mansion?

...Are there any other applicants?

Such a question seems...out of character.

80% of Rachel's dialogue is insulting people so yes this is true.

The strain of attempting a non-insult causes her to pass out, and thus Rachel's story is over.

Wait

Wait no I forgot the part with Tager

brb fighting Hakumen again

I will defeat him Rachel-style

HAVE AT THEE

Spoiler:

Distortion Finish motherfucker

Then she sees the goast but THIS time decides to PUNISH HIM
Later

I will see him beg for death.

Wouldn't that be re-death or something
Double-death?

But we don't even know where he went...

Oh yeah that

We will find him with Kokonoe.

Wait what

So they warp to Sector Seven wait WHAT

NO ONE EVEN KNOWS WHERE THAT IS

Whatever.
Rachel appears in front of Tager.
You know Tager's life sucks too doesn't it

Wha-!? How did I not detect you closing in!?

Well geez Tager it's not like you can calculate everything

Rachel needs Tager's help to see Kokonoe.
Oh come on Rachel you're supposed to know everything
...And you can teleport for crying out loud

Rachel starts ordering Tager around. Since he doesn't know who she is, and again, he uses logic when deciding things, he brushes her off.

...Hah! Give me one reason why I should listen to you!

Uh oh

It turns out Rachel knows that Tager himself is the key to starting the "go straight to Kokonoe" happy fun warp slide of doom.

I'm...the key...?

Tager's been having these weird thoughts lately
And Rachel finally gives up.

If you find me a nuisance, why not simply attack me?

You've found the only character in the game that doesn't attack people who piss him off.
So Rachel attacks him instead.

What!?

Poor Tager

So Rachel electrocutes him, then confuses him some more, then warps using his GIGANTIC KEY warp device thingy.

Kokonoe...are you gonna be OK...?

Kokonoe is a descendant of the strongest creature in the world and is always angry all the time.
She would be OK if a building fell on her

Goodness gracious, how terribly bothersome...

I bet Kokonoe will be overjoyed to be greeted by this
Actually she takes it surprisingly well.

Ah, that's right...You can see everything, can't you?

I guess??

They actually have a normal-ish discussion.
...But they also make sure to use incredibly vague terms lest the player accidentally find something out.
It goes like this, usually:

So you've noticed.
Yes.
Then you know what that means.
Of course.

Et cetera. Sigh

Rachel also tells Kokonoe that her "old friend Terumi" is close by.
Kokonoe is not very happy about this

Well, I guess you just know it all, don't you?

Pretty much yeah

Then Kokonoe yells about how she's going to kill Terumi for a while.
Rachel leaves at this point, possibly annoyed at how unsophisticated Kokonoe's put-downs are.

This is actually the true end.
Rachel graces us with one last monologue
Ooh this one has symbolism in it! That's my favorite

I may cheer the cast, the stage itself is forbidden to me.

If by "cheer" you mean "beat the crap out of", then yes
And what about all that interfering you were just doing
Come on
You touched his face and everything

As if to cement my point, the image of Crippled Jin w/ lolRachel appears for a moment.
Yes creating Hakumen doesn't affect the story in any way

But this time...I feel a change of heart.

So you're going to use it to take one of your opponent's monsters?
I now regret the above sentence

There is hope-the finest of threads-but it is there.

Yeah well you know what they say about hope

I will watch the seeds I have planted

In RAGNA'S FACE
No really. It appeared again when she said that.
THAT'S DISGUSTING

After all, what more could a NO
YOU'RE DONE
I AM TIRED OF ALL THIS AND YOUR TIME IS NOW UP

THANKS FOR PLAYING

Tao's story is called "Innocent Heart".
Now watch as the innocent heart runs around and stabs everybody

The story starts in Orient Town.
THEN THERE WERE SOLDIERS EVERYWHERE
Maybe they're here on a drug bust
So these are "painkillers", eh, Miss Litchi?

The filthy commoners watch as the soldiers march around and, since they're NOL, probably walk into walls and fall down a lot.

"Are they from the Library?"

...They're all in uniform
And there's only one government and that's it

"Mom, are they from the Library?"

Oh come on
The youth of today! They are not very smart
More on this subject later

The kid's mom reprimands her retarded offspring.
"Shh, stay quiet, or you'll get caught...!"

Being stupid is against the law in Kagutsuchi

"The long arm of the Library was not welcome here," explains the narrator.
I'm guessing it doesn't help that their official mascot is a dick

"But that didn't concern a middle-aged soldier-"

Why does it matter that he's middle-aged?
We don't learn anything else about him and he never appears in the story again.
...He's not going to be labeled "Middle-Aged Soldier", is he?

Good, he's just "NOL Soldier." Crisis averted

"I bring you an announcement from the Novus Orbis Librarium," he...announces.
So they WERE from the Library!?
OH MY GOD REALLY

Then the soldiers start putting up wanted posters.
Are you sure you need soldiers to do this? I mean, it's not like you have to be a super trained military expert to put up-
Oh, right. It's the NOL.
Never mind

These are obviously posters of Ragna, or something that vaguely resembles him.

The Middle-Aged Man exclaims that the traitor Ragna...
Wait, he's a traitor?
Did he betray the law or something

Middle-Aged Soldier Commander Dude shouts about reporting Ragna to the authorities etc etc.
Then him and all the soldiers leave, probably to do this same thing another twenty or so times in different parts of the city.

Linhua was watching all that from Litchi's clinic. I guess she's the lookout
Linhua is Litchi's assistant and she appears in the game for a grand total of three minutes.
Since this is BlazBlue, that probably means she's the ultimate life form or something

Do you know what that was about, Doc?

I'm guessing they showed up to announce that Ragna's in the area and also to put up wanted posters. But that's just me

I'm not sure. This kind of stuff isn't unusual anymore.
Yeah, that's true.

...What's a regular day like for these people?
Actually, thanks to the wonders of "Teach Me Miss Litchi", I believe I already know and understand

By the way none of the above dialogue mattered at all.
LOL

A wanted poster falls off the clinic and drifts down to the Kaka clan's village.
Yes, everything until this point was just buildup to that happening

The NOL didn't do any announcements down there, obviously because they'd get things thrown at them if they tried, at the very least.
So this is how the Kaka clan found out that a good way to earn money is by fighting the most dangerous person in the world

Some Kaka...kittens find the poster and make lots of insightful comments about it such as "there's writing on it".

I was about to be surprised that they could read at all.
But they actually can't. Whops

"Not exactly cats or humans," says the narrator, in a futile attempt to describe whatever the hell they are.
The official term used on Tao's profile is "lycanthrope", by the way.
Uh oh

"A large metal plate had been built above the village, blocking out all light," the narrator continues.
So that's why she fights Sephiroth at the end of her true story

The kittens take the poster to the village elder.
No doubt she will make a wise decision

As if to instantly prove me wrong, the scene shifts to Taokaka (finally), who is asleep in the sun.
By the way, it's late December and Tao doesn't wear pants.
...I'm sure the soup vat in the center of town heats the entire area, or something...

She is dreaming about food. Now that's not very original

"The two Kaka children ran up the small hill surrounded by scrap metal and broken machines."

I can only assume this music was playing

Taokaka is described as being a warrior of the Kaka clan.
That makes sense because they are all living weapons, but what exactly is there for them to war against? Besides Arakune

Actually that doesn't make sense
Since they are all living weapons, wouldn't they all be warriors...
Never mind

Who the hell bio-engineered these guys, anyway?

"She's asleep," says one of the kittens. Next they will notice that the sky is blue
So they wake her up

Tao is still sleepy neow.

When are you not

You have work, Tao!

You might not want to scare her off right away
They hand her the wanted poster.

What about this piece of paper, meow? It's so thin, and it doesn't look at all tasty.

Tao prefers to eat fat paper

The kittens explain that Tao has to catch the guy on the poster and get lots of money, or everyone will be in trouble.
Tao is a hero and she springs into action!

Then, that leaves us no choice. Let's get going later.

And she falls asleep again. This is obviously the most exiting storyline

You'll forget about this if you fall asleep now, Tao!

She'll forget about it either way, you know

But the kittens bite her tail until AAAAAHHHHHHHH

...So she decides to go do the thing.
The kittens point her in the direction of Orient Town.

Over there, meow?

Nope.
Over here!

As in, "I think I should go over here instead...", the choice that leads to her true ending. I select it neow

Tao's not gonna do something 'cuz I was told to...Heheheh...

That laugh is just a little bit too sinister don't you think

"The children were panicking, but Taokaka ignored them..."
Oh wow what a sentence
Tao you are the worst

So she kinda wanders around, saying "meow" to herself.
...What part of her DNA tells her to do that?
Cats don't say "meow"

Then she falls in a hole.
This story has already become too retarded for me to be able to add much to it

Ouch! I thought my butt was gonna split four ways, meow!

First of all, how'd she come up with that colorful image so quickly
Secondly, WHY IS SHE SAYING IT OUT LOUD
THERE IS NO ONE AROUND
I guess it's because we never see what Tao is thinking, like we do for the rest of the cast.
I wonder why

She can just barely make out the shape of a person in the darkness.
Hey what happened to cats being able to see in the dark

I finally found you...I've been looking for you for two years.

Oh no

(This voice... It must be boobie lady's.)

IS THIS WHAT TAO'S THINKING wait no she's just whispering. Never mind

"There was a drab creature standing in front of Litchi. It took a few steps back,"

Steps?
HE HAS NO LEGS

THE BLACK SQUIGGLY

Tao is to Arakune as Ahab is to Moby Dick (THE WHITE WHALE)
So now Tao is going to throw harpoons at Arakune

Are you trying to attack boobie lady!?

Yes Litchi sounds so threatened
I guess Tao heard Litchi's voice but not what she was actually saying

Tao!? Why are you here!?

Does Tao's presence make the situation worse?
> Yes
You have your answer

It looks like Tao is very concerned for Litchi's safety.

Tao and Litchi start heroically telling each other to leave because they totally have the situation under control and can handle it on their own.

<Don't interrupt.>

Look, now you've offended Arakune's delicate sensibilities
He hits Litchi while she's not looking and knocks her out because he totally has a move that can do that.
Serves you right for being impolite (aw man did you see that I can rhyme like a pro)

...Wh-Why...?

BECAUSE YOU SUCK

I'll beat you to a pulp, neow!

It looks like someone already did

Kpft Kpwukuk

The above is a direct quote

<It's impossible for you, a replica of the previous age.>

She's a what now

What the-!? Are you trying to eat Tao!?

How can you even tell he doesn't have a mouth or anything
Oh wait he changes into stuff. Maybe for this part he turned into a mouth and started hopping around

But Tao beats him up.
It immediately starts playing her theme even though that doesn't happen for any of the other characters when they win fights

Let's see what you taste like.

Uh let's not

Hmm...you actually don't look tasty at all.

And you've only just noticed that?

I...probably shouldn't eat you.

Tao says this very slowly as though it is a hard concept to grasp

Because Tao is such a sweet Kaka-

HA

-I'll let you go for neow.

...

Arakune is speechless.
Arakune
Makes sense. This could be worse than losing to Noel

He gets the hell out of there.
AND NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON

"The fight had taken a lot out of her, and she was starting to lose consciousness,"

Oh come on it was only one fight

Note: The elder decided to send Taokaka out to capture the most dangerous person in the world.
This means she's the best warrior in the entire clan.
Either Tao is some kind of weird prodigy or the Kakas really suck okay it's the second one

Tao suddenly remembers Litchi! Sigh
She runs over to Litchi and wakes her up.

I got rid of the black squiggly, meow!

Oh yes I'm sure Litchi will be overjoyed to hear that
Fortunately Tao tells Litchi that the squiggly disappeared before Litchi could try to kill herself

You told me not to hurt people before. So, I let him go.
Wasn't I good?

Yes you didn't hurt Arakune at all by stabbing him a bunch of times.
Later she will go not hurt some more people

You did really good, Tao. Good girl.

"Litchi stroked Taokaka's head, and she purred."

uh

In any case, Tao is ready to leave, and offers to lead the way back home because she is the master of knowing where places are
...More on this subject later

You know a shortcut?

Litchi you're retarded

So Litchi follows Tao as she wanders off in a random direction.

Hey weren't you almost unconscious a second ago
Maybe she has regenerative powers

Note: That part of the story was called "Divine Punishment to Squiggly".
Now see if you can find any connection between the word "divine" and Taokaka

My buddy Keith wrote:YURIIIIIIIIIII LOWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNTHAAAAAAAAALLLLL

I salute you

Here's a quick recap: Tao wandered around, fell in a hole, tried to eat Arakune, then wandered around some more. Remember, this leads to her true ending

Tao randomly wanders into Hakumen's Brown Hole.
Makes sense. That's what usually happens when the stage is set to random

I wonder where we are?

Maybe Litchi has finally figured out that Tao has no idea what she's doing.
Nope
She's too busy freaking out because of how scary the hole is.
I guess because she's a science wizard she knows things about it

But guess who's here at Hakumen's Brown Hole

I had not expected to see the two of you.

Sadly, I cannot say the same of you, Hakumen
...Wait, does he know them or something?

Meow! A wierdo!?

Well yeah.
But that word applies to almost everyone in the game

You...Hakumen!?

Litchi uses the best insult she can think of
Wait, no, she actually knows who he is.
WHAT

Hm. You must carry many sins.

And clothes, too

You look pretty cocky. I don't think I like you...

lol

A relic of an age gone by...
Hmph. It bears little resemblance to the original.
The what of what, what?

Don't worry Tao, you're not missing anything important

How pathetic. You do not even know the reason you exist.

Well nobody knows that, really
Oh wait...meaning of life...BlazBlue storyline.
I got it now nvm

I don't know what you're talking about. Do you, boobie lady?

You probably won't be able to get anything helpful out of her. She is freaking out and making noises like "Uhh"
Come on it's only Hakumen it's not like he's some invincible legend or anything

Tao turns to face him once more

You should talk so Tao can understand you!

He should talk so ANYONE AT ALL can understand him

But Hakumen ignores her and attacks her for fun or something.
Attacking people at random for entertainment...that's terrible Hakumen you should be ashamed of yourself
Oh wait

He doesn't do his speech here, either.
I guess I didn't give him enough credit. GOOD JOB HAKUMEN
No I mean it this time

Let us see your true power, little abomination.

Okay

Hey, look on the bright side Hakumen
You know how "it bears little resemblance to the original"?
Well now you know for sure!
You must have gotten a good look at the original when he HIT YOU IN THE FUCKIN FACE BRO

That's right!? Tao wins!

Actually it was Jubei-
You know what? Never mind

The DNA of the cat has stood you in good stead.

Yes because when I think "powerful animal" the first thing that comes to mind is "cat".
Uh huh
But he probably just means Jubei so never mind

...But you are still far less than the original. Your blows are as flies landing on my armor.

What about that last one oh NEVER MIND
I guess Jubei hit him so hard, it caused memory loss

We gotta get outta here, boobie lady!
I know!

WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING BEFORE THEN

So they run away

I did not foresee that they would be able to escape.

You were actually going to kill them, then?
Why the hell would you do that? Tao's story is called "innocent heart" and everything!
That's real heroic of you, you fucking shitfaced cocksucking fagbag douchecunt assface dickmunching retarded gay penisfag


...Ah, I'm sorry, I got carried away for a moment.
I didn't mean any of that, I swear

Tao escapes to the sewers but discovers that she got separated from Litchi.
But she can't really do anything about that so she heads for home.

THE END

But not really because Tao isn't good at the whole "arrive where you're trying to get to" thing.

I thought it was the village, but I've come to a strange place, meow.

Tao has just mistaken the upper level of the city for her village, which is at the lowest possible level and under a big metal plate.
That takes true skill

Excuse me, lady over there! Can I ask you for directions?
One of the Kaka kittens. What're you doing here?

Tao has run into Kokonoe, a person even Rachel (who sees everything and knows everything) could not find without assistance.
How

Kokonoe asks Tao what she's doing there.

...I'm not sure.

In fact, no one is

Oh man. I hope you weren't intentionally created without a brain.

You should know better than anyone that increased mass = reduced speed
And the brain is pretty big y'know. Sacrifices had to be made
It was either that or the braids. It was a tough decision
Science is hard

...Come to think of it I know of a few bioweapons that don't do too well in the...intelligence department, so to speak

Is that something delicious?

A brain?
That depends on whether you're Hannibal Lector or not

...Never mind.

Tell me about it

Meow. Now that you mention it, I think I may have gotten lost!

Just maybe
...I don't think she was ever not lost at any point during this story

But concentrating on important things is not Tao's style. So:

Wait a minute. Lady, is that tail...

Tao notices that Kokonoe has two tails instead of one. This is never explained
Two tails...Could that have something to do with her engineering aptitude? The world may never know

Meow! You are Kaka, too?

That sounds vaguely like an insult

Explaining it's going to be a bitch...

I know right
Oh she means her relation to the Kakas. nvm

People with tails are never bad!

Spoiler:

We'll be friends neow!

Obviously Kokonoe thinks so as well.
You can tell by the generous way she offers to help Tao get back to the village.

Get into that tube.

A skirt-wearing kid who yells a lot and tends not to wear pants is getting launched by a high-powered projectile firing device as a means of transportation.
I know it's silly to ask, because of the time loop and all, but why does it feel like I've done this before...?

KABOOM. Or something

Huh. I was sure she could handle a dimensional shift, but I guess she's not in top form just yet...

It was a...dimension cannon?
Well, of course. A regular cannon wouldn't be science-y enough

...Now maybe you should get back to saving the world or something okay Kokonoe

So Tao destroys half of Orient Town.
Pretty much a typical day, I'd assume

She punches a hole in the big metal plate above the village.
There were some storehouses or something up there too, so a bunch of food falls from the sky.
All the Kaka kittens are rejoicing over the falling meat

Fruit!

YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG

Also the sun shines through the hole.
I'm kind of disappointed that none of the kittens pointed out that the sky was blue

Tao finally extracts her head from the ground and sees Litchi.

Are you all right?

Uh

But it turns out she was completely unharmed, despite SMASHING INTO SEVERAL BUILDINGS AND THEN A SOLID METAL PLATE AT OUTRAGEOUSLY HIGH SPEEDS

Tao's just fine, meow. A kind lady with pink hair and a tail at some strange place sent me home, like KABOOM!

A kind lady, huh
Also KABOOM is the exact word I used earlier
Stop copying my lines Tao

Here a box of text appears that says something important about the story.
Like Tao, I will ignore it and focus on the food that's falling from the sky instead.
In fact that's pretty much what the box says

Food falling from the sky. Nice going, God, meow!

This is the best saying of grace ever

Let's all pick it up and eat!

Uh...five second rule?

Litchi attempts to justify the fact that the shopkeeper on the upper level is losing all of his stored food, and pretty much succeeds (He's evil or something).

But she has made the critical mistake of caring about stupid things like that
Guess what Litchi thanks to your "morals" you have just lost your chance to get some of that meat off the ground what do you think of that eh

The village is so peaceful today, too.

If food falling from the sky is peaceful I don't want to know what not-peaceful looks like

It's all thanks to Tao...

I don't think she did a single thing right Absolutely.

Okay that was the true ending. It only had two fights in it.
Next time I will get a real ending

My buddy Keith wrote:What is this english you speak off?

Hmmmm

That's a nice find, but think I prefer the original a lot more.
The music is more hardcore in the original
Also the english guy's (...girl's? Oh snap) voice gets on my nerves

...Wait that's off topic

Uh...

SANDWICH

Now, what would happen if, oh, I dunno, Tao actually went out to try and capture Ragna like she was supposed to?
Let's find out

Tao heads straight to Orient Town and prepares to hunt down Ragna the wait no hold that thought there is meat in the immediate vicinity

I will make a science chart of Tao's priorities list. This is because I am a science

1. Meat
2. Not doing work
3. Catch Ragna

Let's see how this turns out.

That meat... it looks so juicy... *drool*
I-I'm starving neow!

So why are you still talking about it
YOU KNOW WHAT MUST BE DONE

Or not. Because there is a choice to be made here:
1. Steal the meat
2. Eat the person who has the meat. Wait hold on what

I'll just steal the meat. It is the less retarded option
(Note: You get penalized for picking the less retarded option. This is because Tao.)

Tao calls this "the strategic play".
Tao + Strategy = Why would anyone choose this option I mean really

She sneaks into the restaurant and creeps up behind Ragna. By the way it's Ragna
Uh I detect a flaw in the strategic play
How are you supposed to steal food from someone who's eating it? He is looking directly at it

Tao's master plan is as follows: leap at the food while yelling really loud.
Tactical espionage action

Of course Ragna is a magic super thingy so he uses reflexes to hit Tao across the face with his sword instantly.
This causes her to lose 66% of her health. I guess he was using a drive attack then

You're a runt from the Kaka clan, ain'tcha?

...How do you know that
In your own storyline I don't think you had any idea what they were
This must be the power of the Azure Grimoire

Oh, my strategy played out perfectly! What a sneaky man! You should be ashamed of yourself!

For his next evil act, he's going to fight you and try to win
What a bitch

I guess a couple of hits isn't enough to stop you...

Hello, massive understatement

THEN THEY FIGHT
But first, what happens to the non-idiots who chose to eat Ragna?

Tao leaps through the window into the restaurant. Yeah fuck stealth
...I hope this window didn't have glass in it or anything
Then she shouts her intense battle cry:

Meow, meow, meow!

Intimidating

Gah! Wh-What the hell!?

Your guess is as good as mine

Hahaha, meow. Be quiet, and just be my flesh and blood, meow!

Holy shit what

Thanks for the delicious meal, meow!

Well at least she has the courtesy to thank him before she eats him.
Are you paying attention Arakune

Dammit, can't I have a meal in peace?

Hey it beats getting lectured, right?
Also, you can be a meal in peace if it's any consolation

THEN THEY FIGHT and Tao wins
Both paths result in the same outcome, which is this:

...Are you that hungry?
Whoa, are you a psychic or something, white guy?

Of course Ragna isn't a psychic!
If he was, he'd be in a coma by now for trying to read Tao's mind.
It'd be like jumping into quicksand

Your whole body is screaming "I'm hungry!"

Especially the mouth part

You could've just asked... I would've let you have a bite.

Of YOURSELF?
...Oh okay, the meat.

Yeah, really, so let go of me. And don't drool on me!

...Although you should probably explain that to Tao pretty quick

Meat ♪ Meat ♪ Meat ♪ Meat ♪

I smell a record deal

Then she takes out her plate
Hold on

Okay first of all
Why does she need to carry a plate around if she's fine with eating food off the ground?
Secondly...how
is it
still
intact

HOW

So Ragna gives her some meat.
"That was the moment that Ragna shot to the top of Taokaka's list of Good People."

Yeah, screw Litchi and Jubei!
Sure, she's known them for years, but have they given her meat at any point within the last few minutes?
NOPE. They are useless

I don't need your thanks. Just go already if you're done!

HHHRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH
BADASSSSSSSSS

I can't go home yet. Tao still has a mission to fulfill.

Whatever it was.
It had something to do with balloons, right

In order to fulfill my mission, I need food! Food, meow!

Unless she's referring to her other mission:

1. Get food
2. Eat food
3. AWWRIGHT
4. Repeat steps 1-3

The road to victory is a difficult one indeed

"Steam rises from the steak on the plate. The savory smell of meat fills the air. All Taokaka can see is the meat...the hot grease...the delicious juiciness."

FUCK now I'm starving

"Taokaka opened her mouth as wide as she could, drool dripping from her lips..."

Never mind

But a crow grabs the steak and flies away. It was either a really small steak or a really big crow.
Given Ragna's salary, the first option is probably the correct one

Also, the music is now really dramatic to match the gravity of the situation

Food-related grudges are scary, meow!

In fact, this all started because a scientist dropped his steak in the gate from the opening cutscene.

So Tao leaps out the window and sprints after the evil crow, while "yelling at the top of her lungs."
Good thinking, Tao!
I'm expecting the crow to drop dead within a few seconds, blood streaming out its ears
Some bystanders might die as well. But SACRIFICES MUST BE MADE
THIS IS FOR THE STEAK

Ragna laughs like a tard.
...It's not even in the dialogue, he just laughs for no reason

Taokaka chases the raven all the way to Rachel's house, but it escapes.
DAMN YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU

A full moon is in the sky, despite the fact that it was the middle of the day thirty seconds ago.
This is because Rachel lives in another dimension or something that can only be reached by using the Super Vampire Warp Technique.
Think about that for a second

Tao sees the moon and instantly falls asleep.
Until Rachel steps on her tail.
It makes a squish noise. What

Eh? Oh. What a pathetic stray.

...How exactly did Rachel not see Tao lying there? I'd have guessed she did it on purpose but she seems genuinely surprised.
Besides being a big yellowish thing in a field of red roses, Tao also snores really loud and talks in her sleep.
Oh yeah and also, Rachel can see everything, everywhere

Tao sounds like she's about to take someone's head off

Meow... My tail is still throbbing, meow. Tao's tail is fragile and sensitive!

And detachable?

You apologise neow!
Me? You expect -me- to apologise?

Well -I- don't.

All the heroes in this game are assholes
Rachel saves the whole world but apparently hates everybody
Hakumen saves the whole world but apparently hates everybody
Kokonoe almost saves the whole world but apparently hates everybody
And also everything.
Sometimes she even hates nothing

And Ragna's an actual good guy, but he's the most wanted man ever and he destroys the world repeatedly.
Noel, Litchi, Carl, Tao, and Bang are also...generally nice, and none of them accomplish anything ever.

So remember, kids:

Spoiler:

Okay I am starting to feel bad for picking on Hakumen this much
I'll try to cut back

Oh yeah there's a story happening or something

Rachel tells Nago and Gii to get rid of Tao.
...They can actually do things? I had no idea

Ohmigosh! Seriously.

What, are you a teenage girl, now?
I guess he's confused himself with Tao because they are both cats cat-like objects

If you leave any stink around here, I'll turn you to roadkill!

I guess that wouldn't be as hard at it sounds.
If an umbrella tried to run me over with a car, I would be too busy laughing to get out of the way.

Also, Nago?
When I said you should run people over, that was just a metaphor.
You don't actually have to attack people with a car.
Sorry for the confusion

The same goes for you, Jin
Oh wait, he's a famous hero. Never mind

Um...why were you asleep here...little kitty?

She is ten times bigger than you

As Gii wonders how Tao was able to walk into another dimension and Rachel threatens him, I am given a choice.
Tao can either:
-Attack Rachel
or
-Mistake Gii for a steamed bun and try to eat him

I'm pretty sure one of these choices leads to a penalty.
Fortunately, anyone who's been paying any attention at all knows which answer is the correct one.
So I will pick the wrong one first

She jumps to attack Rachel!!

Clearly, you require...training.

Sounds good to me

Oh wait, Rachel said it. That means it was an insult
Never mind
Aww I wanted to hit stuff with a sledgehammer

Rachel waves her hand around and thunderclouds start to form over Tao's head.
Hey uh maybe you should move
Yeah that's not likely. Even if Tao noticed them, she'd probably just stare at them for a few minutes

Fire of the skies, to me!

Actually, that's lightning

Tao gets electrocuted.
Rachel says a very clever joke or something.
Well you know what else is clever? GETTING STABBED IN THE

No nvm I stopped myself

Mmm...smells like burning...

You can't eat fire, Nago

Oh my... That's pretty rough...
You have my sympathy...

Gii obviously did not read my advice.
Watch, something bad's going to happen to him in a few seconds

What a scary she-devil, meow! That was such a cold-blooded thing to do.

I would even go so far as to say that she's inhuman

She...DEVIL...?

Tao has successfully insulted Rachel

Rachel flips out and attacks.
Somehow Tao beats her up.
Also she had full health even though she got electrocuted a second ago

Hahaha. That was fun, meow!

Tao likes playing BlazBlue way too much

...Finished? Then perhaps you should leave.

What happened to GET IT OUT OF MY SIGHT NOW NOW NOW
Maybe Rachel now considers her a semi-worthy adversary

Yeah I will, meow!

I guess she's still high off of adrenaline and will enthusiastically agree to anything

Rachel calls Valkenhayn over and starts telling him to prepare an identical outfit for her to change into
But then she sees Tao's wanted poster on the ground.
Valkenhayn psychically knows what Rachel is thinking at all times, so he picks it up and gives it to her. He'd better be careful not to stand too close to Tao, then

You are looking for Ragna?
Meow? Rawrgna, Rawrgna...?
Oh, yeah, I am, meow!

1. Meat
2. Fighting people who piss her off and also birds
3. Fighting people
4. Sneaking mission
5. Not doing work
6. Catching Ragna

Science

Tao asks where Rawrgna is and Rachel tells her that she saw him OBA DERE "over there" and points towards a cliff or something.
So Tao throws herself off the cliff.

Wow, hats off to you, Princess. You're so clever.

Tricking Tao is incredibly difficult.
Rachel actually had to point in a direction
That's almost impossible

What did you say?
N-Nothin'!

Rachel immediately attacks Gii because he gave her a compliment. Okay it was a lousy compliment but still
Gii's punishment for not being a dick came a bit later than I expected, but this'll do for now

At least these common people have kept me entertained.

All one of them

Gii, take one hundred laps around the garden.
Huh? What for?
I grow bored. You will entertain me.

Now that's more like it

Noooooo! That's not entertaining at all...!

It's entertaining if you're a dickhead.
I hope you've learned your lesson, Gii

This next part is called "Meet the Hat Person".
That's funny because the only part of Noel that's any good is her hat
It's cool

Ouch, I think my butt got squished...

...Aren't cats supposed to be able to land on their feet!?

Okay seriously what cat-powers do you have, anyway?
I guess it's time for more cat science

Cat-powers Tao does not have:
-Night vision
-Landing on feet after falling
-Having fur
-Stealth

Cat-powers Tao does have:
-Claws. But these don't really count because they're part of her outfit
-Sleeping for long periods of time
-Liking meat
-Ignoring things that aren't interesting
-Saying "meow". Even though cats don't actually do this

Okay this is stupid
She doesn't have any cat-powers that are actually useful
Why would they-

Oh wait, running really fast and jumping on things.
Well that's something. I'll accept this for now

Tao is at the airship dock, and

Excuse me, you there! Where did you come from!?

Looks like Noel is going to arrest Tao for confusing her.
Of course, if Noel actually arrested everything that confused her, all the jails in the world would be full within five minutes

Noel angrily storms up to Tao and then introduces herself. Okay sure
Is this standard procedure for arrests, or is Noel just saying whatever comes to mind?
...What am I saying? This isn't even an arrest yet

And you are?
Tao is Taokaka, meow.
That's a name you don't hear every day.

...says Noel, as she no doubt writes "Taois Taokaka Meow" in her police notebook.

Yeah. I'll see you around, then!

Even Tao realizes that this is not a good person to be anywhere near, and she tries to book it

Hey, wait.

Noel's not angry anymore. I guess it took too much effort

Um...the NOL is currently searching for a vicious criminal: Ragna the Bloodedge.

Tao was able to find Ragna.
The NOL was never able to find Ragna.
Speaks for itself, really

Do you know anything-

Let me cut you off there.
No she does not

Bloodedge? What's that, meow?

This is just Tao being stupid, but what is a Bloodedge, anyway?
An edge that shoots blood out of it? No, Ragna's shoots darkness or something
Maybe an edge that has blood on it?
But any sword can have blood on it. Even Jin's hand had blood on it at one point
Aw, whatever.
Obviously he's called the Bloodedge because blood is always really hardcore

Noel shows Tao one of Ragna's wanted posters.
Good call, Noel (4). A visual aid is pretty much the only thing that'd help in this situation

Oh! I know him! He gave me some food!

Unlike everyone else in the entire world, Tao is able to recognize Ragna instantly.
She actually wasn't kidding when she said she'd never forget him.
Ever.
..."You again!?"

Really!? So, he isn't too far away from here...

Yep, all you'd have to do to find him is to retrace Tao's steps, like so:

>Docks
>Rachel's un-findable mansion
>The restaurant where Ragna was

Easy

Why are you trying to capture a good guy?

I've been over this, actually. If you're good, the world hates you, etc
At this point, Noel starts to suspect that Tao is Ragna's evil accomplice.
I don't blame her. This is Tao's current expression.
You can practically SEE the pure evil in those eyes

But Tao does not care about any of this

*yawn* Not only are your breasts flat, but you're also boring!

It's true, Tao judges people entirely on first appearances.
That's unfair. It's never good to judge a book by its cover.

But it's funny how...accurate Tao's judgments are
She's just encapsulated the essence of Noel in a single sentence

...Oh god the look on Tao's face when she said that
She's gonna get shot

M-M-M-My breasts have absolutely nothing to do with this!

In fact, they have nothing to do with anything.
BECAUSE THEY ARE MICROSCOPIC

I'll have you arrested for contempt!









I seem to recall you referring to Taokaka as "fishy" just a moment ago...
But if anything here is fishy, it's your understanding of the law, Lieutenant.

Something just didn't sound right about your intent to arrest Tao for contempt, so I looked into just what you were talking about.


In legal terms, contempt is defined as "willful disobedience to or open disrespect for the rules or orders of a court (contempt of court) or legislative body." (Thanks, internet!)

It's true, Tao was openly disrespecting you.
But you certainly don't constitute a court all on your own, Lieutenant.
And although you do tend to...invent laws, you're not a member of any legislative body.


I'm fairly certain that I'm going to have to spell this out for you.
So, allow me to be direct:



YOUR BOOBIES ARE TINY!
YOU SHOULD EAT STEAMED BUNS.
THEY'LL MAKE YOUR BREASTS BIGGER!








...Wait, no.
I-I meant to say something else...


And so, to make a long story short, eventually Tao gets tired of beating up Noel and falls asleep.

Fortunately Noel comes to her senses.
Well, partially.

I may have overreacted...

I would say "Oh really? No, I think annoying children should get shot by the police, too"
But it was mostly just Tao beating on her for a while. So I cannot

But, she'll be blocking traffic....

It'd be worse if she were awake

...or she might catch a cold if I leave her lying here like this...

True (5). It's not healthy to sleep out in the open.

So Noel drags Tao out of the street and puts her in like an alley or something.
It goes without saying that Tao slept though all of this

Noel goes back to whatever task she was failing at, complaining about her breast size on the way out.

...

...She's still not done talking about her breasts?

...

...COME ON

Wait...

NO

I remember Makoto said something like, "if you have a boy massage them, they'll get bigger..."

Makoto is the best character in the game
And ironically, the character most likely to massage Noel's breasts is not a boy

"Taokaka didn't hear a word of Noel's mumbling"

GEE WOULDN'T THAT HAVE BEEN NICE

Amazing.

Hey kid. You can't sleep here. You'll catch a cold.

Again with the colds.
Geez, it's not like it's mid-December or anything

Jubei, who's wandering around in an alley for some reason, finds Taokaka and manages to wake her up by mentioning that he has food for her.

Tao instantly jumps up but there is no food.
She does not take this revelation very well

Wh-Wh-Wh-Wh-What the hell!?

Her voice goes from "regular" to "deathscreech"

Said I was sorry. What more do ya want?

I'd guess food

At this point Tao finally sees Jubei.
That means, up until now, she was cursing in a random direction

Cat person!?

Don't you mean, "person who looks more like a cat then regular cat people"?

Jubei is described by the narrator as one of the founding members of the Kaka clan.
The Kakas are made from his blood or something. So I guess that's one way of putting it, yeah

I got no time for playin'.

Eh!? Let's play, let's play, let's play!

Did you even hear what...never mind

Unless she was just describing what I'm doing here. You could call it that, I suppose

C'mon kid. Bein' selfish ain't right.

Tao gets really depressed right away. This is because Jubei has insulted her entire way of life

Ah hell-

Ragna's teacher, eh...

-don't get all bent out of shape. You're a good kid.

Does he know anything about her?
She's already tried to stab/mug several people

"Jubei gave her a good scratch on the head, and she purred."

...uh

I didn't know Jubei could even reach that high

He asks Tao how the village is doing. Of course she forgets about the whole Ragna thing

Whenever this weird black squiggly thing appears, the people of Kaka disappear, meow. It's a pain in the neck for everyone, meow.

Yes. When villagers are killed by a monster, "it's a pain in the neck".
People dying kinda sucks

Why don't you come back to the village, cat person?

Because Jubei has to be super mysterious at all times because hero

I got some stuff that needs doin'.

Ragna won't lecture himself, y'know

Look kid, you got the power to protect the village.

Being a hero, Jubei sends the retarded young girl to fight a deadly monster.
GOOD JOB JUBEI

...Tao really is the best warrior the Kakas have, isn't she. That's pretty depressing

Tao protects the village neow?

I guess someone should have told her that
...Or maybe they did

Yup. I reckon you're ready.

Seeing Tao asleep in an alley has given Jubei newfound confidence in her abilities!

Also is he trying to be a cowboy or something

He does add that if he sees the black squiggly, he'll "give it what for".
That's a relief. Now Tao won't have to fight it unless she encounters it within the next ten minutes or something

So Jubei tells her to go back home.

Heard rumors there's some dangerous people 'round these parts.

Dangerous people?
I have no idea what you're talking about

Tao's strong, so don't worry about me, cat person.

This is actually true. Imagine the force behind a punch powerful enough to send Tager flying backwards

Next time you 'n I cross paths, maybe there'll be time for a little playin'.

Unlikely. Jubei is the strongest creature alive and would be too broken

So Tao runs off.

Whoa, whoa! Careful there, kid!

Tao isn't that dumb, you know, cat person.

No comment

Tao is determined to get back to the village as fast as possible so that she can defend it from the black squiggly.
Actually it's because she's hungry. But still

"Taokaka just had an excellent idea."

If, from this line, you guessed that Tao is about to do the stupidest thing in her entire story, you would be correct.

Her plan is to reach the village (at the lowest level of the city) by jumping from the docks (at the highest level).

She has to pass several warning signs on her way to the gap between the metal plates which block the sun. The jury's still out on whether or not she can actually read

Tao's smart, meow!

She's gone from "not that dumb" to "smart" in a matter of seconds.
I guess this idea was so great that it doubled her intellect

"Taokaka leapt over the fence and struck a pose as she fell. She wanted to make sure she looked good when she landed."

Almost Becoming Two
Do it do it do it
Aww, too late. You can't do it in midair

I'll be arriving at the village soon, meow.

She says to herself while falling.
Does she ever stop talking to herself

"She could see it below her... it was tiny.
It looked like a toy village..."

For exactly how long was she holding that pose

"Things were going well so far, just as Taokaka had expected."

Taokaka has returned to the village quickly.

You could just let the narrator handle that, you know

But she is falling at terminal velocity and punches through the ground. This makes her "slightly concerned".

Back up on the dock, Jubei is talking to himself.
It might just be a cat thing

Quite a racket for such a small kid...

...Exactly how long have you known her for

Ah well. Don't rightly think there's much that can hurt her...

Yeah after playing this far I'm surprised any attack can damage her at all

Once she lands, the scene plays out the same way it does in her true story, "I thought my butt was gonna split four ways" and everything.

Litchi isn't here though. Thank goodness

"It was a wierd, ugly creature, covered in rags."

Rags?

"Taokaka didn't know it was called Arakune,"

Does anyone?
I don't think anyone calls him by name, ever

The black squiggly thing!?

No, it's a ghost or something

Kpft kpkuk kpukikikik.

You said the same thing last time!
Get some new material already

...

Wait a minute, it's actually slightly different.
My bad

<Don't make me laugh. I'll eat you.>
Eat Tao, meow!? Don't be ridiculous, meow!

Is it just me, or can Tao always understand exactly what Arakune's saying?

I'll eliminate you right now, once and for all, meow!

How does she know what "eliminate" means?
I guess her vocabulary is only the essentials

I actually get a choice here:
> ELIMINATE
> "You're all sticky and gross... Nyaaa."

Choosing the first option starts the fight right away so I pick the second one.
So much for that dramatic elimination speech

<Thanks to the Azure filter, your moves will be written in codes. They won't work.>

Is he talking about arcade terminology or something

Meow! What's this sticky thing all over me!? I-I can't move around well, meow!

This is Arakune's suggestive debuff attack.
Instead of reducing Tao's speed it drops her health to 25%, just like it does in fights.

Of course, that doesn't matter much because DIE

Tao won, meow! You know who's the man, meow!

Uh
Who is the man, exactly

"Just as she was about to deliver the final blow, Taokaka stopped."

SHE CANNOT DO IT

Hey, squiggly.

OH NO
Everyone stand back! She's using diplomacy!

Because Tao is such a sweet Kaka-

Okay we've been over this

Basically she lets him go.
Everyone in the game is a weak executioner

Hahahah! I'm sure that squiggly thing won't bother us again, meow.


...



It's all thanks to Tao, meow.

This time it actually is. Oh what

Tao's great! Please, somebody praise me!

Hey, that's selfish! Being selfish isn't
Wait never mind

Wait, there's no one around, meow.

(insert facepalm here)

By the way, where am I?

Priorities

"Just as Taokaka was about to start looking for an exit, a rope dropped down in front of her."

That was a close call
If she'd started looking for an exit, she'd have fought everyone in the entire city before getting back to the village

A couple Kaka kittens pull her out of the hole.
Yeah they're pretty strong, aren't they

It's playing Tao's theme again.
There's no way any of the other characters get victory music this often

So everyone celebrates Tao's defeat of the black squiggly YEEEEAAAAHHHH

"They were happy. Taokaka was happy."

I'm speechless, meow!

Uh huh

Meow! Nothing to worry about neow!

Unless the world blows up or something

"Festival booths had been set up in the town square,"

Whoa what
So Tao actually became some kind of epic hero in the last couple of minutes?

...Oh false alarm. It's because Litchi brought a bunch of food.
Makes sense

Suddenly Litchi leaps out from behind a trashcan or something

Gee, you haven't changed a bit.

...What were you expecting?

It's been playing Tao's theme this entire time.
Maybe there are loudspeakers around somewhere in the village

Hang on a second while I handle this meat bun, meow! Nom nom nom...

"Taokaka finished off the last several meat buns in her mouth and leapt on Litchi's breasts, poking and prodding them to test their softness."

Everything in the above sentence is wrong
And I don't mean factually incorrect

They are as bouncy as always, meow. I'm impressed, boobie lady.

So Tao recognizes Ragna as the good guy, can tell that Noel is boring, understands Arakune perfectly, and now, is able to pinpoint the exact reason Litchi is in this game to begin with.

Jubei lurks off in the distance because hero.

Farewell, folks. 'Til we meet again.

Yep it's a cat thing

So they gorge themselves for the entire rest of the day, then fall asleep.
You know, I'm not sure that's healthy...I seem to recall a doctor told me something about that once...

The next day, the kittens again run up Tao's hill like at the beginning of the story with an assignment for her.
But this time she ignores them and sleeps for the entire day.

YOU'RE WINNER!